I've Been Trying to Get Down To the Heart of the Matter

Heather Graham played a psychiatrist named Dr. Molly Klock on Scrubs who chose her profession because of her ability to zero in on people's insecurities. A college roommate of mine was her evil counterpart.

Kolly Mock and I were best friends for probably two or three years in college, and we lived together for a lot of that time. I'm not totally sure why I was friends with her because she enjoyed making me feel bad about myself way too much. I'm sure she only did that because either she was jealous of me for something or because she was covering up her own insecurities, but it was still hurtful. By senior year, I had started to throw myself into therapy pretty intensively, and as I started to gain more respect for myself, I stopped wanting to associate with her as much. Almost simultaneously, she started dating the man she ultimately married a few years ago and I left for my study abroad program. Strangely, even though we were inseparable for years, I haven't laid eyes on her since I left for my study abroad. We didn't even talk all that much after I left. We had been growing apart for awhile, and I decided I had lost patience with her superior attitude toward everything I did when she was considering going to graduate school for the same thing I went for and I emailed her to share some of my thoughts with her about it, and she was incredibly snotty to me. Right. Like, why would I know anything about that type of grad school program considering I fucking got into one of the five best programs for it in the country? Anyway, she didn't end up going to grad school for anything. Then, she got into a huge fight with a few mutual friends of ours, and that pretty much cemented the severance of ties between us.

Today, I got a wild impulse to Google her, and even though I am certain that I would rather be leading my life than hers, she managed to make me feel bad about myself. That's right. The bitch managed to make me feel bad about myself from another state, using only the internet, without even needing to talk to me. I have a good job, I am a home owner, I have a cute dog, I make sweet moolah (without even needing Uncle Rico), and I basically do whatever I want. But she has two things that just stick in my craw: she's married and she's thin. Mind you, she is married to someone I would not look at twice (and I'm not saying he is or is not a good guy or right for her, but I met him once, and he was just not doing anything for me personally, and the mutual friend Kolly Mock had a fight with said Mr. Mock was a fucking asshole), and I am now doing Weight Watchers, but of course that bitch would have lost weight since college and would be married. Fuck her. I can't even believe I'm so annoyed about this.

It probably wouldn't even annoy me as much (yes it would) except that even earlier today, I had another wild impulse to Google my very first boyfriend. I sort of expected I wouldn't find much about him because I didn't think that whatever gas station employed him probably posted personal information about its employees online, but to my chagrin, the motherfucker is in a sketch comedy troupe. It's not a sketch comedy troupe of which I have heard (meaning, it is not The Kids In the Hall or Upright Citizens Brigade), but they have DVDs of their work for sale on Amazon, and they had a film accepted to a film festival in New York. The last time I talked to this guy, he was a jerk and he smelled like Pert Plus. Now, I'll grant you that that was when he was 15, and he may have changed some in the ensuing years, but still.

I don't know why I'm so annoyed by the successes of people who I once cared about. I'll admit I'm not so fond of either of the above-mentioned people anymore, but I once felt close to both of them. And yet, I begrudge them their successes when I should be wishing them well. After all, it's not as if I'm doing poorly and it's not as if I want to trade lives with them.

In the case of Kolly Mock, I think part of it is being angry with myself for having such a long-standing (i.e., longer than five minutes) friendship with someone who treated me so shabbily. This is not to say that Kolly Mock spent all of her time punching me in the emotional gut; there were times when she was really there for me, and she could be a lot of fun. But overall, she just was not that nice to me, and I probably should have found a way to bow out of the friendship long before I did. By the same token, I should not now hold an image of her in my mind as this relentless bitch when there were lots of times when we had fun together. Being friends with Kolly Mock was a lot like being in a shitty romantic relationship, and even though I've had more than my fair share of those, I have not found a way to accomplish the goals of letting myself off the hook for participating in the dynamic and to accept the other person as a complex individual possessed of good and bad qualities who just was ultimately not a health association for me. If I could say anything I wanted to Kolly Mock now, I would probably tell her that I didn't like the way she talked to me a lot of the time, that she should have treated me more respectfully, and that I think she beat up on me to feel better about herself and that that was a crappy thing to do, but I would also thank her for the fun times and the laughter and the listening to me complain about the loser guys I dated.

I'm not very good at processing the end of a relationship or dealing with the idea that not every relationship, of whatever type, is meant to last forever. I remember that when Doug Funny and I broke up, I told a friend of mine that he must never have cared about me at all. She said that if I needed to believe that to get past it, then I should but that she doubted it was true. She was probably right. Doug Funny broke my heart and he treated me poorly, but, looking back, I believe that he and I were in love and that he cared about me very much and probably still cares about me at some level. Doug Funny and I had a relationship with more than its fair share of tears and whisper-fighting, but we had some good times too, and he made me laugh. But the relationship went as far as it could go, and that's likely the end of it. For some reason, I find it hard to hold in my mind the image of someone who had so many positive and alluring qualities and the image of someone I no longer want in my life and who no longer wants me in his. The same kind of goes for Kolly Mock. It's hard for me to remember that she could be fun and charismatic and yet also prey unfairly on my insecurities in a way that ultimately makes her someone that I don't choose to continue to have as a friend.

I think it all comes down to the issue of forgiveness, which is something I have always struggled with. I think part of accepting someone who has hurt me as a complex individual who had good qualities as well and not just thinking of him or her as a "bad guy" involves forgiving that person. It requires accepting that that person is human, is going through his or her own journey and probably grappling with lots of things, and probably either did not intend to hurt me or did so more because of something going on internally than because of something that I did. And of course, the person I find it hardest to forgive is myself (an issue I want to explore as part of my desire to deal with some psychological things that have gotten me to the Weight Watchers point in my life). It's hard for me to look back at, say, the friendship with Kolly Mock and not think that I was an idiot for letting her mistreat me instead of thinking that it was part of growing up and learning how I would and would not tolerate being treated and that we obviously shared a lot of fun times or I wouldn't have stuck around as long as I did. It's also hard for me to look at the relationship with Doug Funny and not think I was an idiot to get involved with him at all instead of remembering that I fell in love with him at first sight, that I still believe he is my soul mate (bearing in mind that I believe people have many soul mates and that the fact that Doug Funny and I are not going to be together does not dash my hopes for future romantic happiness), and that I would have regretted it if I hadn't made an attempt to see where the relationship could go. Forgiveness has gotten fractionally easier as I've gotten older, but it's still a struggle.

Baby Vamp

I succumbed (suck-umbed?) to the call of the Twilight series this weekend. I didn't have any plans, as per usual, so I bought all three of the books and read them. The books are long, but since they are aimed at young adult readers, they don't take very much time to read. I remain convinced that L.J. Smith's The Vampire Diaries were a major inspiration for this series, but they were entertaining books. My only complaint is that the heroine ends up with the guy I was rooting against (this always happens to me -- I rooted for Felicity and Noel, Joey and Dawson, Sydney Bristow and Will, Jim Halpert and Karen, etc.), but they were pretty good.

Other than reading these vampire books, I ate. I recently (as in, last Wednesday) decided to join Weight Watchers online, and I don't think I've ever been hungrier. Weight Watchers has a choice of two plans, but the one I chose allows me to eat any amount of food I want as long as I choose from a list a of "core foods." So, if I feel like eating a whole jar of dill pickles, that's no problem. I can also eat as much 94% fat-free microwave popcorn and drink as much Diet Coke as I want.

Why did I join Weight Watchers? I don't really think I'm fat, though I have to concede that I'm at the larger end of mainstream sizing. Lately, I've been going to a more challenging exercise class and the changes I've noticed in my body have made me more confident that I've been in a long time. Bizarrely, I think the very fact that I've been feeling better about myself influenced my decision -- like, I felt like I deserved to feel even better about myself than I already do. I would be lying if I didn't also concede that The Only Living Boy in New York played a role in the decision. I don't honestly think that my physical appearance impacted his decision because the fact that someone is aesthetically pleasing does not always mean you want to be in a relationship with that person and sometimes, you want to be in relationships with people who are not traditionally good-looking. However, if and when I run into him again, I don't want him to think, "There's what I'm definitely not missing." It's kind of the same strategy Anne Hathaway is employing against Raffaelo Follieri. Plus, I really need to stop attracting these emotionally unavailable men (The Only Living Boy in New York is just Puffy Redux, but there have been others as well like Doug Funny). Maybe if I felt better about myself, I would attract guys who felt better about themselves. Or maybe I would attract more guys period, and I could weed out the emotionally damaged ones.

I have some definite concerns about losing weight. The first and silliest is the feeling that I don't want to date anybody who wouldn't have been attracted to me at my larger size, assuming I succeed in losing weight. That's just dumb, but it's something I think about. The second is that I want to make sure that as I'm effectuating a physical change, I'm dealing with the psychological aspects as well. I mean, I didn't let my weight get to a level with which I'm not comfortable because I was just that hungry. Eating has an emotional component for me as well as a physical one, and I would say the emotional is more important. Food is something I've had a love-hate relationship with my whole life, and a few years ago, I just decided to stop caring about what I ate or trying to go on a diet. The first diet I can remember being on was when I was eight years old, and I was off and on them basically until I went to law school. I think that taking that time just to eat what I wanted without judging myself had the healthy effect of breaking me of the shame associated with eating, but it didn't cure me of the desire to use food to self-soothe. If I'm upset, my first thought is to eat either because I want to feel the comfort of building a protective layer of fat around myself or because I want to punish myself by being fatter. My weight has yo-yoed over the years almost as much as Oprah's, and while I'm not at the biggest I've ever been, I'm probably toward the top end. I think the reason I haven't sustained any of the weight losses I've achieved over the years is because I never dealt with the psychological motivations for eating (well, that and the fact that I haven't always used the healthiest methods to lose weight). It's not something I'm going to resolve in one night, but if I hope to make any kind of lasting change in my life, it must be addressed.

Maybe if lose weight, I can find myself a cute vampire and/or werewolf boyfriend like Bella in the Twilight series.

Suck It

What is the deal with these Twilight books that people like? Are they good? Because I just read about them on Jezebel (in connection with the forthcoming movie), and I realized that I had, in fact, seen some of the books in book stores but never felt compelled to pick one up. Then, I read a description of the series, and I was like, "Um, I read these books in sixth grade back when they were called The Vampire Chronicles and were written by L.J. Smith, and they were fucking awesome."

This Is the End, Beautiful Friend

I think things are really over with The Only Living Boy in New York. It sounds silly to say that since I had already vowed never to speak to him again, but I think he's done too, and I didn't really know that until now. How do I know this? A former co-worker of mine who is friends with both of us gave his notice at my former office (where, you will recall, The Only Living Boy in New York still works), and The Only Living Boy in New York failed to email about it. Normally, he would be diving for his keyboard, fingers afire, to email me such a juicy piece of gossip (in the movie of my life, he's going to have to be played by the voice of Kristen Bell, so great is his love of gossip), but I did not hear a peep out of him today and I confirmed that he knew the information.

I'm Going to Miss You Like a Child Misses His Blanket But I've Got to Get a Move On With My Life

I'm back from my visit to my family, which was restful and fun. It's healthy to get out of my normal routine, especially after the situation with The Only Living Boy in New York.

I haven't heard anything from The Only Living Boy in New York, by the way, which I'm sure was obvious. I'm disappointed but not surprised. I hoped, without basis in reality, that he would reverse his position after realizing his mistake, but that won't happen. I also thought, with some slight basis in reality, that he might try to reach out to reaffirm a friendship, but he's giving me my space. Maybe an infinite amount of space. It makes me sad, but it's also for the best, I think.

Maybe I Will Feel Better Alone, Or Just Feel Something, My Heart is Turning to Stone

Days without talking to The Only Living Boy in New York: 2

Today was worse than yesterday. I almost emailed him, not because I was struggling with whether or not to do it but just because I saw something funny that would have made him laugh, and I almost did it as a reflex before I caught myself. Realizing that talking to him is instinctual was hard and fighting against that instinct was even harder. I'm going home to see my family tomorrow morning, so I think that getting out of my normal routine will make it easier to break the habit of him.

Hey, Let Your Honesty Shine, Shine, Shine...Like It Shines On Me

Days without talking to The Only Living Boy in New York: 1.

How is it going? I almost screamed at an old man to shut the fuck up when he started singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight?" at the pharmacy counter of the drugstore, so I guess it's going great.