Conspiracy Theory

I'm starting to think that all the guys in the world who don't want to go out with me formed a guild and named the website for their guild "Match.com."

If I Could Do Just One Near-Perfect Thing, I'd Be Happy; They'd Write It on my Grave or When They Scattered my Ashes

Things are going better at work lately. I've been pretending to be cheerful and enthusiastic to the point that I have become the fakest bitch on the planet. I am like Little Suzy Cream Cheese. Anytime anyone gives me something to do, I practically do a backflip for them to demonstrate my joy.

The thing is, I actually do like my job for the most part. I mean, I don't love every aspect of it, but I love it enough to keep doing it if given that choice. But my natural personality is wry and sarcastic. Even when the topic is something I genuinely love -- like cashmere or international travel -- I find it difficult to express sincere, direct enthusiasm. So, it's obviously very challenging for me to express enthusiasm for something like working on a weekend or until midnight, which no one could possibly enjoy. That said, I'm doing my damndest. And I think it's working. My nemesis has been telling me how much she appreciates my help a lot, so that has to be working in my favor. Fingers crossed.

Who Was That Masked Man?

Okay, my fleeting success on Match was a blip because now I'm back to winking at people without success (even a few ladies, thanks to my sexual identity crisis).

However, all is not lost! Hilarity can still be found! The photo to the left is the profile photo of one of the users on the site. I was like, "Wow, that guy is cute. I like the hair." When I clicked on the profile and took a closer look, I was like, "Wow, that guy is mothereffing Jon Stewart from The Daily Show." I kind of love the person who posted this.

I Remember When, I Remember, I Remember When I Lost My Mind

I'm back on Match. I know, I know. But things are progressing slowly with my Colombian crush, and I thought I'd give it another shot. Surprisingly, I've been slightly more successful on this go-round than I have been in the past. I haven't gone out on any dates yet, but more guys are winking at me, and some of them don't have a physical appearance that makes me want to retch. Small victories.

You Some Kind of Star, No, I'm a Comet, I Just Want You

I signed up for the salsa classes so I can spend some more time with my current love interest. I'm excited to spend more time with him, especially time that involves touching, but I'm incredibly nervous about doing something I'm not good at that he's really good at in front of him. I have heard that a lot of guys enjoy flirting with a girl by teaching her to do something athletic, but I have never been comfortable with that. I'm too much of an uptight perfectionist to believe that a guy I like will like me if he finds out I'm not perfect. (I actually didn't really realize I felt that way until I just wrote that.)

I'm not sure what, if anything, will end up happening with this man. But one thing I will say for him is that after knowing me for about a hot second, he has lured me more outside of my comfort zone than any other man I've ever liked. For this, he deserves many snaps.

Let's Hop a Cab and Split It, I'm Kiddin', We Both Goin' to Where You Livin'

I can't stop thinking about this guy I met the other night. He has bewitched me. What right does he have to be so entrancing? I'm trying to resist the urge to Facebook stalk him too much (so far, only once since Thursday, which is superhuman resistance, and I was elated to notice that his relationship status was "single").

I don't know what it is about this guy. I mean, he's obviously good-looking and nice and funny, so it's not like I'm pining over some loser, but I don't know why he has rung my bell quite so much. Maybe because we're so different? Maybe because I met him when I was stepping outside my comfort zone and he makes me want to step even further outside my comfort zone? I mean, I had a dream the other night that he and I had a daughter together, and I was so happy about it. I hate children! I have had dreams about being pregnant before, but I've never had a dream where I had the baby, and even in my pregnancy dreams, I was miserable about having a baby. It was so strange because I saw our daughter, and I heard her name (her name was Anna, and she had his last name). I just don't even know, but this guy has really done a number on me.

If I Were You Then It Would Be Me That I'd Go Home With

I met the most amazing guy the other night. A friend of mine has been taking salsa dancing lessons, and she talked to me about her instructor and his amazing smile. I thought she had a crush on him, but she suggested that I might want to meet him. (He is exactly my brand of heroin, to paraphrase Edward Cullen -- dark-haired, thin, younger than I am, poor, and not from the United States.) She invited me to her last salsa class and their graduation party at a club.

Normally, my answer to her invitation would be, "Thanks but no thanks." However, I have been considering what my work mentor told me about habits and how the habits I have got me to this point and are no longer useful. He was talking about work when he said it, but I see a broader applicability. I think when it comes to dating, I need to get outside my comfort zone to be more successful. In my experience, when I'm doing something outside my comfort zone (i.e., when I travel), I'm more open to meeting new people because I'm already doing something that makes me feel more open. So, I decided that since my knee-jerk response would be to decline her invitation, then I should accept.

I am so glad I did.

This guy...wow. He has a gorgeous smile and big brown eyes that made me finally understand what people mean when they talk about getting lost in someone's eyes. But there was something else about him -- beyond his scorching hotness -- that drew me to him. He just had the greatest energy. It made me feel excited and safe at the same time. I looked at him and thought, "Mine," and I've never thought that about any guy before. He coaxed me into dancing with him during class (by which I mean I scarcely restrained myself from flinging my body against his chest when he beckoned).

Unfortunately, this amazing man seems to have a more serious involvement with a girl we encountered when we went to the club. She, of course, is a talented salsa dancer as is he, so they have that in common. I talked to him a little, but there wasn't much for us to do since I don't know the dance.

The following day (Friday), my friend made me go to the restaurant where he tends bar at lunch to get take-out, and he and I talked again. He seemed happy to see me, and I was proud of myself for not leaping over the bar to throw myself into his arms. We talked for five minutes or so, and he encouraged me to take his beginner's salsa class.

I don't know what it is about this guy (other than the vague, unsatisfying and New Age-y explanation of his energy or vibe), but he has spun me right round like a record. I dreamed about him the last two nights. I really like him, and I don't know why. My friend thinks that girls throw themselves at him all the time (he's young, sexy, and an amazing dancer so that makes sense), so the way to get him is to play the long game and give him a chance to get to know me. I don't even know what to do with myself. I feel swept away, and I think I'm alone in that feeling, and I just don't want to get hurt or be disappointed.