I recently started listening to podcasts, and I heard one by a life coach (Cheryl Richardson) analyzing the movie version of Sense and Sensibility. It was pretty interesting, and only about 20 minutes long. She made one statement about Marianne Dashwood's attraction to the caddish John Willoughby that resonated with me. She said that women are attracted to "bad boys" because they allow us to express our darker sides.
That got me thinking about what attracted me to Goose to begin with. I've never made a secret of the fact that sex scares the shit out of me. I've been a sexually reserved and selective person my whole life, but after being assaulted at 21, I pretty much shut down completely. At some semi-conscious level, my mind and body are trying to protect themselves from ever being harmed that way again by making me avoid sexual situations and freeze up when they are presented. Then, you can add to that initial defense mechanism my worries that it has been so long since I had sex with anyone that I won't know what to do or be any good at it. And on top of all that, until about eighteen months ago, I had a minor physical issue that made sexual activity painful (though that has now been resolved, I didn't know that it was just a little bitty physical thing that was creating this problem -- I thought there was just something wrong with me). So, there's a lot of shit going on here that basically makes the prospect of sexual congress a horrifying and nerve-wracking one for me.
Goose did two things for me. First, he made me feel safe around him. He managed to be both sexual and non-threatening at the same time, which is surprisingly tough to do. I've had a lot of male friends I found non-threatening, but I found them non-threatening because I completely lacked sexual interest in them. On the other hand, there are guys like The New Guy in whom I had a (brief and ill-advised) sexual interest but who intimidated me in a lot of ways. I don't know that Goose's particular formula here could be replicated in the sense that I don't think I could become unthreatened by or sexually attracted to men who did not make me feel like that initially. Second, he created a safe space for me to express my more sexual side without feeling threatened or judged. Mostly, we just joked around about stuff, but I felt like he thought I was funny and that it turned him on. Whenever I tried to be more sexually flirtatious with The New Guy, he acted like I was being a total whore and if I was being more aloof, he acted like I was being a total prude.
Goose has a lot of problems, at least with respect to trying to interact with me. Chief among these is that he doesn't tell the truth to himself, so he can't tell the truth to anyone else, and this leads to he and I not being able to have a relationship founded on truth or even one in which truth makes the occasional cameo. However, one thing that I must thank Goose for is that he allowed me to be this more sexual person for a little while. I learned from spending time with him that that person is still in there and that she can surface under the right conditions. Maybe I don't have to enter the convent after all.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Give Me Some Credit
As I continue my efforts toward credit card sainthood, I am looking for ways to keep my future self out of trouble. I have heard that it is not a good idea to cancel credit cards because it increases the debt utilization ratio, which can lead to a lower credit score. After careful consideration, I have decided to take this advice with a grain of salt.
I estimated today that if I were to max out all my credit cards, I could generate about $40,000 to $50,000 in credit card debt. Yikes. Even when I made more money, I would not have had any prayer of repaying that much money. Surely, any potential creditor looking at my credit report would know that and feel trepidation about the possibility of extending me even more credit. So, that isn't good. Also, I have proved that I am not the best when it comes to handling credit cards wisely, so it's better for me to have a slightly lower credit score with a greatly decreased ability to get myself in over my head in debt than to keep the possibility of debt for an extra one or two points.
Based on my internet research, I determined that it is best to keep cards under two circumstances: (1) the card has a high limit and (2) you have had the card for a long period of time. I chose to cancel three cards today. Two of the cards had limits of $200 or less (seriously -- what is even the point of giving someone a credit card with such a miserly spending limit?), and I had not had any of them for more than a year and a half.
I estimated today that if I were to max out all my credit cards, I could generate about $40,000 to $50,000 in credit card debt. Yikes. Even when I made more money, I would not have had any prayer of repaying that much money. Surely, any potential creditor looking at my credit report would know that and feel trepidation about the possibility of extending me even more credit. So, that isn't good. Also, I have proved that I am not the best when it comes to handling credit cards wisely, so it's better for me to have a slightly lower credit score with a greatly decreased ability to get myself in over my head in debt than to keep the possibility of debt for an extra one or two points.
Based on my internet research, I determined that it is best to keep cards under two circumstances: (1) the card has a high limit and (2) you have had the card for a long period of time. I chose to cancel three cards today. Two of the cards had limits of $200 or less (seriously -- what is even the point of giving someone a credit card with such a miserly spending limit?), and I had not had any of them for more than a year and a half.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Happy Worker
I'm trying to remember to blog regularly while I work to pay down my credit card debt. I want to be able to recall how unpleasant it was to work so much in case I'm tempted to run up a lot of debt again in the future.
I guess overspending is just like any other addiction. Shopping provides a temporary rush of excitement and happiness, and, when it ends, another rush must be sought. Like with drugs or alcohol, the rush of spending money tries to compensate for what is lacking in other areas. It combats loneliness, sadness and disappointment. It attempts to stand in for honest emotions or a true feeling of connection.
While I've been chiseling away at my credit card debt, I have surprised myself a few times by feeling really sad. I'm sure part of it is fatigue, but I think another part of it is because I'm chipping away at the outward manifestation of an emotional buffer I created and trying to address what got me to that point in the first place.
Anyway, I'm just trying to keep at the task of working to pay off these bills. Sometimes, it seems like I'm making rapid progress and other times, it seems like I'll never get to the end of it.
I guess overspending is just like any other addiction. Shopping provides a temporary rush of excitement and happiness, and, when it ends, another rush must be sought. Like with drugs or alcohol, the rush of spending money tries to compensate for what is lacking in other areas. It combats loneliness, sadness and disappointment. It attempts to stand in for honest emotions or a true feeling of connection.
While I've been chiseling away at my credit card debt, I have surprised myself a few times by feeling really sad. I'm sure part of it is fatigue, but I think another part of it is because I'm chipping away at the outward manifestation of an emotional buffer I created and trying to address what got me to that point in the first place.
Anyway, I'm just trying to keep at the task of working to pay off these bills. Sometimes, it seems like I'm making rapid progress and other times, it seems like I'll never get to the end of it.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
When You Call Me on the Phone, You're Buggin' Me
If I needed any additional confirmation that paying off my credit card bills is the right thing to do, I got it today.
I'm signed up for electronic receipt of my credit card statements with all my cards. I realized last night that I couldn't remember when the last time was that I received a statement email from one of my two remaining cards, so I checked online. To my dismay, I was already a few days late with my payment, so I scheduled one immediately. Today, I received three phone calls in about seven hours hounding me to make a payment. When I finally spoke to someone after the third call, I informed him shirtily that (1) I had already scheduled a payment and (2) it's annoying and unnecessary to call people that frequently. Then I had to talk to two other departments about my missed statement email.
Seriously, though. Why do collections agencies have these practices. Nowadays, everyone has caller ID, so the chances of a collections agent getting you on the phone are slim unless you want to talk with them. If you've already scheduled your payment, it will just piss you off. If you haven't scheduled it, then it won't suddenly cause you to find money and give it to them. Weird.
I'm signed up for electronic receipt of my credit card statements with all my cards. I realized last night that I couldn't remember when the last time was that I received a statement email from one of my two remaining cards, so I checked online. To my dismay, I was already a few days late with my payment, so I scheduled one immediately. Today, I received three phone calls in about seven hours hounding me to make a payment. When I finally spoke to someone after the third call, I informed him shirtily that (1) I had already scheduled a payment and (2) it's annoying and unnecessary to call people that frequently. Then I had to talk to two other departments about my missed statement email.
Seriously, though. Why do collections agencies have these practices. Nowadays, everyone has caller ID, so the chances of a collections agent getting you on the phone are slim unless you want to talk with them. If you've already scheduled your payment, it will just piss you off. If you haven't scheduled it, then it won't suddenly cause you to find money and give it to them. Weird.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Who's Gonna Take Your Place? There Ain't Nobody Better. Oh, Baby, Baby, We Belong Together
I dreamed last night about shopping for wedding rings with Goose. Fuck you, subconscious mind.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Confessions of a Shopaholic
I paid off my smallest credit card balance today. It represents only about 10 percent of my overall credit card debt, but I'm trying to be proud of myself anyway. Even reducing my total burden by 10% is an accomplishment, a step in the right direction, and I need to feel good about this win to sustain me for the more difficult work of paying off the two larger balances.
When I first started thinking seriously about getting my credit card debt in hand, I researched the best way to do it. (Answer: find a leprechaun, steal his gold, give enough of it to the creditors to make them go away.) It makes the most financial sense to pay off the credit card with the highest interest rate first, but several sources suggested paying off the credit cards in order of smallest to largest balances to give yourself some early successes to boost your spirits and resolve. It makes sense. The interest rates on most people's credit cards will probably be sufficiently similar that if you're paying an extra percentage point up or down, it won't really kill you compared with how much money you've already squandered on interest. But I didn't get in to credit card debt because I'm good with delayed gratification, so it's important to keeping myself focused on my goals that I see some pay-off to my hard work early on.
Anyway, the actual scheduling of the payment was a little bit anti-climactic, I have to say. I had hoped to feel more excited about it. Maybe I should have set up a balloon drop for myself. It's also hard to know what to do to reward myself for a job well done if I'm not supposed to be overspending or overeating. But, good for me. I'm making progress on my new year's resolutions and it's only January 4th.
When I first started thinking seriously about getting my credit card debt in hand, I researched the best way to do it. (Answer: find a leprechaun, steal his gold, give enough of it to the creditors to make them go away.) It makes the most financial sense to pay off the credit card with the highest interest rate first, but several sources suggested paying off the credit cards in order of smallest to largest balances to give yourself some early successes to boost your spirits and resolve. It makes sense. The interest rates on most people's credit cards will probably be sufficiently similar that if you're paying an extra percentage point up or down, it won't really kill you compared with how much money you've already squandered on interest. But I didn't get in to credit card debt because I'm good with delayed gratification, so it's important to keeping myself focused on my goals that I see some pay-off to my hard work early on.
Anyway, the actual scheduling of the payment was a little bit anti-climactic, I have to say. I had hoped to feel more excited about it. Maybe I should have set up a balloon drop for myself. It's also hard to know what to do to reward myself for a job well done if I'm not supposed to be overspending or overeating. But, good for me. I'm making progress on my new year's resolutions and it's only January 4th.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Bills, Bills, Bills
My new year's resolution for 2010 is to pay off my credit card debt.
I'm sure I'm not alone in having an amount of credit card debt that freaks me out a little bit, but everyone who finds themselves in that situation gets there their own way. I've made numerous attempts over the years to rid myself of the scourge of credit card debt without success. I started thinking about that today, and it occurs to me that I failed because I never addressed the underlying issues that lead me to overspend.
Overspending, for me, is like overeating. It's pretty much exactly like overeating. The two problems both originate from issues of control, punishing myself, shame and a sense of lack. I grew up feeling like I never had enough love from my father, so I tried to fill the void with food and goods. I hate feeling out of control of my life, so I cheer myself up when things get hairy with rewards of food and goods. When I see a reading on the scale or the balance on my credit card statements, I feel ashamed of my lack of self-control, which then leads to further binging. And at some level, I suppose all this emanates from a feeling that I don't deserve real love and happiness, so I try to make do with substitutes.
I've more or less got my food issues in hand. I'm far from perfect, and it's a constant struggle, but I'm doing pretty well. Now it's time to address the overspending.
Two things need to happen in concert for me to be done with this issue. First, I need to make enough money to be able to pay off my outstanding debt. To that end, I started working a second job a few weeks ago. At this point, I've earned enough money to pay off the smallest of my three credit card bills, so I'm happy about that. The job could end at any time, but at least I'm making progress. Second, I have to believe I deserve real love, real things, real happiness. That's the part I haven't quite figured out yet.
I'm sure I'm not alone in having an amount of credit card debt that freaks me out a little bit, but everyone who finds themselves in that situation gets there their own way. I've made numerous attempts over the years to rid myself of the scourge of credit card debt without success. I started thinking about that today, and it occurs to me that I failed because I never addressed the underlying issues that lead me to overspend.
Overspending, for me, is like overeating. It's pretty much exactly like overeating. The two problems both originate from issues of control, punishing myself, shame and a sense of lack. I grew up feeling like I never had enough love from my father, so I tried to fill the void with food and goods. I hate feeling out of control of my life, so I cheer myself up when things get hairy with rewards of food and goods. When I see a reading on the scale or the balance on my credit card statements, I feel ashamed of my lack of self-control, which then leads to further binging. And at some level, I suppose all this emanates from a feeling that I don't deserve real love and happiness, so I try to make do with substitutes.
I've more or less got my food issues in hand. I'm far from perfect, and it's a constant struggle, but I'm doing pretty well. Now it's time to address the overspending.
Two things need to happen in concert for me to be done with this issue. First, I need to make enough money to be able to pay off my outstanding debt. To that end, I started working a second job a few weeks ago. At this point, I've earned enough money to pay off the smallest of my three credit card bills, so I'm happy about that. The job could end at any time, but at least I'm making progress. Second, I have to believe I deserve real love, real things, real happiness. That's the part I haven't quite figured out yet.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)