Leaving Las Vegas

Las Vegas is becoming my new Toronto. I have planned to visit Toronto with two different men I've been interested in. Guess how many times I've been to Toronto. Zero. Las Vegas is starting to become the same way.

The more I think about Goose's announcement that he is planning to come to Las Vegas in early 2010, the more tense I feel. After much consultation with friends and family as well as much soul searching, I concluded that I must tell him we can only see each other if he's single.

If Goose and I see each other, we are going to have sex. If that happens when we're both single, it could be sticky. If that happens when he's in a relationship, it will definitely be a nightmare. I'll be broken-hearted and feel used, and he'll be disgusted with himself and never talk to me again. Also, I'll probably have wasted a bunch of money going to see him for the privilege of feeling cheap. And of course, it's disrespectful to his girlfriend (though I won't lie -- that's the least of my worries). Insisting upon his single status as a condition to visiting is the right thing to do.

So why don't I feel better about it? Basically, I think that if I tell Goose how it is, he's going to tell me that he prefers to remain in his relationship and forgo the chance to see me, which is also going to break my heart (though for less money than if I traveled to Las Vegas to let him do it in person). I also really want to see him. I love this man, and I think he's the one. There's a big part of me that says I should be content with whatever level of involvement he chooses to have with me, even if it means I just get the crumbs. It's not exactly that I feel I deserve so little; it's that a big part of me would rather have crumbs from Goose than the entirety of someone I want less.

In truth, I think I'm going to lose Goose either way. I don't think he'll choose me over his girlfriend, and I don't think he'd ever speak to me again if he cheated on his girlfriend with me. (When I say "cheated," I mean physically. There are extremely persuasive arguments to be made that he has already cheated on her emotionally with me and that inviting me to spend time with him while he's here on business would be further emotional cheating even if he keeps his hands to himself.) It's just a matter of how I want things to end, and I guess I would rather they end while I still have a little dignity.

Team Jacob!

This year, I give thanks that he's almost 18.

Your Empty Eyes Seem to Just Pass Me By and Leave Me Dancin' With Myself

My friends have been overwhelmingly negative in their responses to my news that Goose is planning to be in the United States early next year. Par exemple:

Me: [Goose] is coming to Las Vegas in February.
Friend #1: Good for him. I hope he catches an STD.

And in a separate conversation:

Friend #2: You're not planning to go to Las Vegas when he's here, are you?
Me: Of course I am. [Goose] is my man-kryptonite.
Friend #2: Superman doesn't go flying around looking for kryptonite.

It's Off to Work I Go

Some good news on the employment front at last. Well, good-ish news. I'm starting a new job on November 30th. It's another temporary job, but it's supposed to last a long time. The recruiter who tipped me off to it said it would last six months, but when I went for the interview, they said they anticipated needing me for about a year. It also pays a little bit more than my current job, although I'm still nowhere near what I made at my firm.

It's not a permanent solution, but it gives me a chance to relax a bit and be more selective while I continue to look for a permanent solution.

Here I Come When I Better Go, I Say Yes When I Ought to Say No

Guess who resurfaced today? Goose. (As a side note, every person I posed that question to today responded: "Oh, God. Not [The New Guy].") Goose says he is coming to the United States in February or March for work, and he wants to get together. He also said he's been horrible about emails because of a deluge of work but that he's been Facebook stalking me in his down time to keep up with my adventures.

Goose is most likely an evil sorcerer. How else could he know that I've just recently decided to make my best effort to accept that he's not coming around anymore and move on? My wise friend said the following when I told her that men are evil sorcerers:

they all are. I am convinced that every man's penis is magically linked to the heart strings of a certain lady-friend. When the lady-friend's heart strings are tugged, he gets a pain in the crotch.

My other friend made a half-hearted attempt to persuade me of the folly of going to see him unless he declares that he has broken up with his girlfriend, but eventually she said it was inevitable "like one of those Shakespeare dramas where you know everyone is going to die at the end." Yeah, pretty much.

I'm All Right, I'm Just Fine, And You're a Tool

So, I finally heard back from Friday night's date, and I think I might be more annoyed than if he'd just continued to ignore me. He chose to respond only to my remark about the Schwarzenegger movies available on one of the on demand channels (he mentioned being a big fan of 1980s Schwarzenegger movies on our date, and I told him I would find out which on demand channel had a bunch of those movies available this month), but he didn't say anything about hanging out again.

I'm no fan of the book He's Just Not That Into You, but it appears that this fellow is just not that into me. It took him two days to respond to my email, and when he did, he didn't suggest hanging out again in the future, even as a tentative plan (e.g., "let's hang out later this week"). I cannot put it more succinctly than one of my friends did, so I will cut and paste her words:

"Write him off. You don't need the stress of trying to figure out his mixed messages. There could be a million and one reasons why he is behaving like this but the fact is, he failed to measure up to expectations within 48 friggin hours of meeting you, and you deserve better."

Ain't That a Kick in the Head

Well, I guess I'm not going to hear from Friday night's date. I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt Saturday because of his roommate's birthday party and yesterday because of the possibility of a vile hangover due to the aforementioned party, but if he hasn't emailed me all day today, then he just isn't interested. I can't claim to be broken-hearted since I didn't know him all that well, but I'm a little hurt and confused since it seemed like he had a good time on our date. At the same time, it's not a complete surprise since he did act strangely at the end of the night. Oh well.