Pride and Prejudice

"Here you've put me in a tough situation. I can't honestly decide whether to say 'duh,' 'uh, doy' or a very sarcastic 'oh really?'" -- Dr. Perry Cox, Scrubs

It is a truth universally acknowledged that I like neither being a lawyer nor looking for employment as one. So, I'm considering whether I should take a new tack with life and just give up on the entire concept.

Yes, that's what I said. Give up.

I went on a couple of interviews with temporary legal placement firms last week (a necessary step before they're willing to send you out on jobs to their clients, probably to weed out any of the obvious lunatics or office supply thieves). In both interviews, I very genuinely told the recruiters that I would work as a temp forever if I could. Then, yesterday, I was on the bus into the city to see Eclipse with my friend and I realized...I probably could. I decided I needed to give this radical notion some thought, which is what brings me to the computer today to write this here post to question my assumptions and challenge them with realities. To wit:

Assumption: I cannot afford to temp forever.
Reality: Since I started temping, I have paid off an enormous credit card bill and have more money in the bank than ever before. When I was a permanent employee at a law firm, not only did I not pay down my credit card debt, I added to it with purchases that I needed to keep up with the other associates or to console myself for working at a hateful job.

Assumption: I will die from lack of health insurance.
Reality: Many temp agencies offer health insurance. The rules of getting on the plans can be Byzantine, but there is also the option of getting an individual policy through an insurance provider. This is not cheap, but it would stave off the possibility of going bankrupt if I have an accident or get really ill. Frankly, I hardly ever go to the doctor anyway, so the most important thing is for me to have a hedge against catastrophe.

Assumption: People will think less of me if I forsake the path of a permanent career at a firm or in-house for the flighty and unpredictable world of temping.
Reality: Some people probably will, but those people are assholes. One thing I have noticed (with the aid of various self-help books) is that when people say, e.g., "Everyone will judge me harshly for leaving the world of permanent employment to become a temp," the "everyone" in that sentence is usually a bunch of jerks. My real friends may or may not understand the decision, but they'll be supportive. I mean, I didn't understand it when my friend decided she wanted to have a baby (life ruining!), but if that's what she wants for herself, then that's what I want for her.

Assumption: If I commit to temping, I won't be able to take back the choice later and pursue a permanent job.
Reality: That one might be true. This is really the main sticking point. I hate closing off options, which is one of the reasons I went to law school in the first place (the utter wrongness of that decision should propel me into making all kinds of door-closing commitments, but it doesn't).

Basically, I like temping because it's flexible, I have unlimited (though unpaid) vacation time, and I don't have to pretend to give a shit about my job after I go home for the day. I also don't have to deal with the politics of an organization, which was always a very weak point for me in my career at various law firms. Besides that, it makes my short attention span into a virtue. I look like a little bit of a job hopper on my resume because (1) I am and (2) I get bored being in the same place doing the same thing with the same people day after day after day. Temping gigs last a few months and then you're on to the next thing.

Ever since I got the no-offer after my 2L summer, I feel like I've been on the back foot in the job search. The no-offer led me to take a clerkship that was beneath me, which led to a law firm that was a step up but still beneath me, and then that led to the law firm I probably should have been at in the first place (from which I was laid off). It took three years of toil to get to dig myself out of a hole I shouldn't have been in to begin with. Now I find myself in a similar situation, and I've spent a year of my life already trying to dig myself out of this hole without success. I don't care to waste another two years just to get myself back to where I was in 2009, especially since I didn't even like where I was in 2009 to begin with. Maybe the no-offer situation way back in 2004 just soured me on the whole prospect of big firm life or maybe I wouldn't have liked it anyway, but it seems foolish to me to spend another two years (or more, or less) trying to get back to doing something I don't even like. This is especially true since most of the permanent employers who want to interview me have fundamental flaws that make me loath to pursue employment with them. One I spoke to last week has interesting-sounding work, but it would involve a hellish multi-hour-each-way commute. The work would probably position me ideally for a great in-house gig in a few years, but I don't even want to be practicing law in a few years, so, frankly my dears, who gives a damn? Not me (and not Rhett Butler either). Another one is a great law firm likely with great work, but it's in Tampa. Tampa is, I'm sure, a fine city, but I don't know a single person there (scratch that -- I know one person, but she was my frenemy in high school and not someone I'm really looking to strike up a friendship with in my 30s) and I suspect its airport has fewer direct international flights than, say, JFK or EWR.

Meanwhile, I've got a job in a city I want to be in paying me enough money and giving me enough flexibility that in the past year, I was able to travel to Peru, Guatemala and Russia while still paying off the aforementioned heinous credit card debt. So, why not just embrace it and ride this shit out as long as I can?

The struggle is ultimately a battle between the person I want to be and the person I think I should be (I think I stole this line from Bella Swan). I think I should be an associate at a major law firm, working toward being either a partner or an in-house counsel. I want to be someone who gets to dabble in the law (a field I find I enjoy when the fun isn't being sucked out of it by some nightmare partner) and also gets to have a life not connected to the umbilical Blackberry cord. I'm fine with working 12 hours a day, but when I'm having my me time, either here or abroad, that's my fucking me time, and I don't want to hear jack shit about work. So, will I allow my life choices to be made based on pride and prejudice (the law firm route) or on what I really want (something else)?

I haven't completely committed yet, but I think it's obvious which way I'm leaning.

And Forevermore That's How You'll Stay

So, I heard back from the guy who must be the real-life inspiration for Drew Barrymore's character in 50 First Dates. His most recent response was much more acceptable than his previous one. He revealed that he meant to say "receipts," not "recipes," which makes more sense since I educated him on the importance of saving receipts for future income tax deductions. I don't know if I'll see him again (I hope I will), but at least now I don't feel like a total piece of garbage.

Unforgettable, That's What You Are

I emailed a friend of mine to ask her what she thought about this business with the guy who totally forgot who I was despite having spent an entire evening of his life three scant days ago talking to me. This was her thought on how he should have responded:

Hi [my name]!! I am so glad you emailed because I wanted to get in touch with you but was mugged immediately upon leaving the meet-up and I lost your card! AAAAhhhhh NY :o) I would love to get together for drinks and chat more - although lets be real, Twitter sucks and between you and me, I was dying to say that at the meet-and-greet but I couldn't because of my job. Now, feeling free to be who I am, I will say that it is obnoxious, egomaniacal and I would have nothing to do with it otherwise. Oh, and did I mention that in my spare time I save puppies and baby seals? How about dinner at Balthazar or someplace else insanely expensive? I would love to treat you like a princess...Say Friday at 8? My driver and I will pick you up in my Rolls. Oh yea...and my dad is a Duke. Look forward to trying to sweep you off your feet! - [his name]

At least the people who do remember me are funny. I think only Blair Waldorf meets guys who turn out to be dukes, and, as we all know, I am Serena van der Woodsen.

I Knew This Much Was True

Last Tuesday, I went to a meet-and-greet for a podcast that I really like. Most of the other people there were podcasters and bloggers, and I spent most of the evening chatting with this really cute blogger. There was a lot of heavy eye contact, he showed me the photos on his digital camera, he shooed away someone who tried to steal my seat next to him and he gave me a big hug when we said good night. I thought, "Hm, this dude is definitely interested, and I am definitely interested. I don't see a big future here since he's only in town for the summer, but I could at least see an exciting present." I held off emailing him for a couple of days to play it cool before sending him the following email last night:

Hi [his name],

It was great to meet you on Tuesday at the [podcast] meet-up. If you're around soon, maybe we can grab a drink and you can teach me how to use Twitter to enhance my life.

[my name]

The Twitter remark was based on the fact that all the other attendees jabbered on about Twitter for much of the evening and, on the subway home, he jokingly inquired if I intended to join because everyone had talked so much about it.

Today, I got the following complete disappointment of a reply:

Hi [my name],

It was a pleasure meeting you as well! I found a ton of recipes that I used over the weekend. I'll be saving them more often. Thanks for all the advice! Might come back for more someday. Though it might seem complicated at first, Tweetdeck is what I use for twitter. Next time I'm in the city, I'll let you know for sure.

See you around,

[his name]

What the eff is that? The advice he refers to is some free legal and tax advice I gave him about his fledgling blog business, but as far as I recall, he and I never talked about recipes or saving recipes. I have no idea what that means apart from probably meaning that he doesn't really remember who I am at all. I can sort of deal with a lack of interest, but how can he just not remember who I am? We spent the entire night hanging out together. I told him exactly where we met, and at any given time, there were not more than 12 people at the event including him and me, and he clearly already knew most of the other attendees quite well and could thus have eliminated them as possibilities if he didn't catch my name at the beginning of the evening and therefore didn't connect the beguiling female he met with the name on the email he received. (Of the attendees, there were four other females, two of whom were married and there with their husbands, one of whom was his business partner, and one of whom was a friend of his business partner's) We never talked about any fucking recipes. What the fuck?

I Know This Much Is True

I was talking to my mom today, and I realized that in my 30 years of living, I have learned only two things about the male of the species:

1) All men like Band of Brothers. If they don't like it, it means they have not seen it.

2) If a guy is interested in you, he will have a sudden and uncontrollable urge to show you the photos on his digital camera.

That's it. That's everything I know. I think this explains why I remain unmarried.

If The Elevator Tries to Break You Down

So, there's this guy at work who may or may not be interested in me. I cannot figure him out.

My workplace is designed to minimize social interactions. Our cubicle-style seats are assigned, and there aren't many common areas where people linger and chat. Most of the people I work with are socially awkward in the extreme, so I don't mind the barriers to friendliness too much. But this fellow always smiles at me when I see him and seems really nice. One day, as I was walking out of our work space to take the elevator downstairs to go eat lunch, he purposely got up as I was walking out and walked with me to the elevator. He told me that he saw I was leaving and decided to go at the same time so he didn't have to wait for the elevator (the elevators in the building are pretty slow and one of them breaks down a lot, so it can be a long wait sometimes). I thought that was kind of odd, and I wondered if maybe he just wanted to talk to me.

After that, I kept more of an eye on him. I noticed he brought his lunch from home and used very nice containers for it. That made me suspect he was either gay or in a relationship because I usually assume single straight guys live like animals and can't imagine any of them investing in high-quality food storage.

I didn't get another chance to talk to him until last week. I usually eat my lunch on the steps of another office building down the block, but I decided to eat in the break room. He came in to rinse out his snazzy Tupperware, and he started chatting with me. I asked him about the Tupperware, and he went into a lengthy explanation about how he bought it because he cooks a lot and the brand is hard to find but it has some kind of special suction. He then demonstrated the suction capabilities for me. He is a bit of a low talker, so I couldn't understand everything he said. He might have mentioned a significant other at some point during his explanation, but I didn't hear it if he did. It has been my experience in the past that when a male goes on and on about something really inane, it's because he likes the girl he's talking to. However, the other possibility, which I cannot ignore, is that he's just massively weird. He also took the time to wipe down the counters in the break room, which our disgusting colleagues had let get covered with coffee stains and spilled sugar. I told him that I just wiped down those same counters that morning, and we agreed that our co-workers are gross.

Since then, I haven't been presented with any further opportunities to talk to this guy, and I haven't sought out any either. He hasn't followed me to the elevator again, and I haven't eaten my lunch in the break room. If he was or is interested in me, I don't know if my efforts to smile at him and make conversation with him sufficed to let him know that I might reciprocate his interest. I haven't chosen to be more aggressive with him because I don't know his situation.

Unfortunately, our job is about to come to an end. I expect an email sometime this week saying it is over -- maybe as early as today -- and then I'll probably never see this guy again. Poop.

Straight Up, With a Twist

I recently read the book Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert, and he said one thing that really captivated my interest. He said that it is very difficult to imagine the future as anything other than the present with a twist, but that the future tends to be different from the present in ways we couldn't have imagined. He brought up as one example certain advances in science and technology that would have been unthinkable a century ago, but I find it's equally true of my own life.

This time last year, I had just gotten the idea in mind to return to the Big Apple instead of staying in the Bean when I lost my job. In the past year, I've visited three new foreign countries (Peru, Guatemala and Russia) and one new U.S. city (Chicago), met a few new friends, met the man I consider my soul mate, and generally had a host of experiences that I would not have predicted. In fact, if I'd sat down on this date in 2009 and written down what I thought I would be doing today, the only thing I know for sure that I would have said is that I would be working at a permanent job. That's the one thing that hasn't happened to me.

I suppose you could take the view that the future might differ from the present in unexpected ways both good and bad, but I find it comforting nonetheless. Sometimes, it feels like my life will be an endless succession of days spent fruitlessly emailing resumes to job postings that promise secure employment and deliver nothing but rejection. It feels like my life will be spent cobbling together various temporary jobs to be able to pay my expenses and enjoy the kinds of things I like to do, like travel. Don't get me wrong -- I have been more fortunate than many downsized employees to find the work I've had and afford the things I've done, but it's still a tiring, grinding, stressful existence. Permanent jobs offer the illusion of, well, permanence. It is a very comforting illusion.

Gilbert's statement is one I cling to when I am tired and downtrodden. It's exciting to think that the future holds possibilities beyond my imagination.