I had dinner last night with a friend of mine from school. I hadn't seen her in four or five months, so it was nice to catch up. (She paid, and that was nice also.)
I filled her in on the most recent developments with Goose (the Las Vegas invitation), and she called him the most selfish person she had ever heard of. She took the position that he knows that he's going to hurt me by having me visit him, but he's doing it anyway because it's what he wants. She also advanced the hypothesis that since he has feelings for me (which she believes he does, and I believe he does) and since he knows he can't give me what I want, he should want me to be happy and want what's best for me instead of wanting me to pay attention to him.
My friend made the rather obvious point that I attract a lot of men who are already in relationships. I knew that already, but she added to my existing awareness of the problem by giving her theory on why that is. Relationships are hard work. Everyone I know, even people who are madly in love with their partners, tells me that relationships can be a grind. I assume that if you are not really in love with your partner, the humdrum quality of being in a relationship is even more grueling than it is for someone who has a more deeply-felt reason to slog through the low points. My friend says that I am a free, open spirit, that I am beautiful and joyous and fun and one of the least judgmental people she's ever met, that I am accepting of people as they are, and that I blow into these men's lives like a breath of fresh air to show them how their lives could be if they discarded their tiresome girlfriends or wives. Which they never do, at least not permanently.
I choose to believe what my friend says -- primarily because it's filled with compliments toward me, but secondarily because it makes sense. Goose, for example, may care about and love his girlfriend, but in no way do I believe he is in love with her (nor she with him, to be fair). I don't know why they stay together, but it isn't because they are soul mates. When I came along, I probably felt like a relief to him. It probably didn't hurt that we met during a vacation, which is a situation designed to maximize fun and joyousness. I'm sure he loved the way he felt when he was with me, which is why he stayed in touch and why he invited me to rendezvous with him in Las Vegas. But he's still not discarding the girlfriend.
Maybe these guys don't break up with their girlfriends for me because, at some level, they know that being in a relationship with me would inevitably turn into the same drill they already have. I contend that this could be improved upon if they're in love with me, but that doesn't mean there won't be sad, tedious, frustrating or annoying moments being with me. In 2004, Doug Funny actually did break up with his girlfriend for me for a very short period of time before going back to her. I don't know why he left her for me, only to leave me for her seemingly moments later, but maybe it was because he realized that there is no such thing as a relationship without work. (As a side note, I should say that I don't believe any of the men I've ever been in these situations with has been in love with his girlfriend. I have met a lot of scorching hot, really kind-hearted men who were madly in love with their girlfriends or wives, and I shared no attraction with them beyond friendship.)
Unfortunately, my friend did not offer any suggestions about why my joie de vivre fails to attract available men, but I think I'm further along in understanding my life than I was yesterday.
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