If The Elevator Tries to Break You Down

So, there's this guy at work who may or may not be interested in me. I cannot figure him out.

My workplace is designed to minimize social interactions. Our cubicle-style seats are assigned, and there aren't many common areas where people linger and chat. Most of the people I work with are socially awkward in the extreme, so I don't mind the barriers to friendliness too much. But this fellow always smiles at me when I see him and seems really nice. One day, as I was walking out of our work space to take the elevator downstairs to go eat lunch, he purposely got up as I was walking out and walked with me to the elevator. He told me that he saw I was leaving and decided to go at the same time so he didn't have to wait for the elevator (the elevators in the building are pretty slow and one of them breaks down a lot, so it can be a long wait sometimes). I thought that was kind of odd, and I wondered if maybe he just wanted to talk to me.

After that, I kept more of an eye on him. I noticed he brought his lunch from home and used very nice containers for it. That made me suspect he was either gay or in a relationship because I usually assume single straight guys live like animals and can't imagine any of them investing in high-quality food storage.

I didn't get another chance to talk to him until last week. I usually eat my lunch on the steps of another office building down the block, but I decided to eat in the break room. He came in to rinse out his snazzy Tupperware, and he started chatting with me. I asked him about the Tupperware, and he went into a lengthy explanation about how he bought it because he cooks a lot and the brand is hard to find but it has some kind of special suction. He then demonstrated the suction capabilities for me. He is a bit of a low talker, so I couldn't understand everything he said. He might have mentioned a significant other at some point during his explanation, but I didn't hear it if he did. It has been my experience in the past that when a male goes on and on about something really inane, it's because he likes the girl he's talking to. However, the other possibility, which I cannot ignore, is that he's just massively weird. He also took the time to wipe down the counters in the break room, which our disgusting colleagues had let get covered with coffee stains and spilled sugar. I told him that I just wiped down those same counters that morning, and we agreed that our co-workers are gross.

Since then, I haven't been presented with any further opportunities to talk to this guy, and I haven't sought out any either. He hasn't followed me to the elevator again, and I haven't eaten my lunch in the break room. If he was or is interested in me, I don't know if my efforts to smile at him and make conversation with him sufficed to let him know that I might reciprocate his interest. I haven't chosen to be more aggressive with him because I don't know his situation.

Unfortunately, our job is about to come to an end. I expect an email sometime this week saying it is over -- maybe as early as today -- and then I'll probably never see this guy again. Poop.

Straight Up, With a Twist

I recently read the book Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert, and he said one thing that really captivated my interest. He said that it is very difficult to imagine the future as anything other than the present with a twist, but that the future tends to be different from the present in ways we couldn't have imagined. He brought up as one example certain advances in science and technology that would have been unthinkable a century ago, but I find it's equally true of my own life.

This time last year, I had just gotten the idea in mind to return to the Big Apple instead of staying in the Bean when I lost my job. In the past year, I've visited three new foreign countries (Peru, Guatemala and Russia) and one new U.S. city (Chicago), met a few new friends, met the man I consider my soul mate, and generally had a host of experiences that I would not have predicted. In fact, if I'd sat down on this date in 2009 and written down what I thought I would be doing today, the only thing I know for sure that I would have said is that I would be working at a permanent job. That's the one thing that hasn't happened to me.

I suppose you could take the view that the future might differ from the present in unexpected ways both good and bad, but I find it comforting nonetheless. Sometimes, it feels like my life will be an endless succession of days spent fruitlessly emailing resumes to job postings that promise secure employment and deliver nothing but rejection. It feels like my life will be spent cobbling together various temporary jobs to be able to pay my expenses and enjoy the kinds of things I like to do, like travel. Don't get me wrong -- I have been more fortunate than many downsized employees to find the work I've had and afford the things I've done, but it's still a tiring, grinding, stressful existence. Permanent jobs offer the illusion of, well, permanence. It is a very comforting illusion.

Gilbert's statement is one I cling to when I am tired and downtrodden. It's exciting to think that the future holds possibilities beyond my imagination.

It's Been a Hard Day's Night

I spent all this weekend in the office, working at my day job. My night job was supposed to generate some work, but it never materialized.

I can't pretend I was thrilled at going into the office, but it wasn't terrible. I was thinking today that I'm glad I left my old job for this one. The financial hit has been bearable, and I don't get that knot of trepidation in my stomach on Sunday nights about going back to work on Monday morning. I'm still nervous about the fact that the job is ending soon and I haven't found its replacement yet, but I'm glad I made the change.

Comments from the Peanut Gallery

The main hazard of keeping an online blog is the same hazard as leaving a diary around where anyone can read it -- people are going to read it. Inevitably, some people will be encouraging and supportive and others will feel the need to tear you down. It has never made sense to me why this latter group exists. After all, while my blog is freely available for anyone to read, it equally freely available for anyone not to read. With so many sites on the internet available for our perusal, why waste time on the musings of someone you disagree with, can't relate to or simply don't like?

Today, I received an email from someone who is or was a reader of the blog. I get occasional comments on posts, but I rarely get emails from people, so I took note and have reproduced it here with my responses. The email is in italics, while my remarks are in plain text.

Did you ever stop to consider that you're being a tad bit negative?

I have a blog whose entire purpose is stopping to consider things. So, in short, yes. A common mistake blog readers make is thinking that blog posts reveal the entire life of the writer. In my case, that isn't true. My blog makes my life sound worse than it is by omitting virtually anything positive because it's not a day-to-day diary of everything I do. Rather, it is where I come to process my feelings or deal with things that have happened to me. I (like most people, I suspect) don't often need to process my feelings about positive things or deal with positive things because I can just enjoy them. Finding a way to be okay with negative things is different and, for me, requires more introspection. Thus, the blog and its slant toward the negative.

Don't get me wrong, I think we've all been there and, more than likely, we'll probably go back. Isn't that just the cyclical nature of life? I really liked reading your blog when I was as pissed of as you are. But, now that things are looking a little better for me, the experience is totally different.

I don't really know what to make of this remark. It sounds like the author of it once enjoyed reading my blog but now does not because her life circumstances have changed for the better. I am happy to hear that, but I don't think it minimizes my own need to deal with my life experiences, which are separate and unrelated from hers. If she no longer finds entertainment or solace in my blog, I invite her to look elsewhere instead of continuing to return to my site, where she no longer finds enjoyment.

In your most recent blog you wrote

It's terrible to go through something like this -- where I am trying my hardest but there is nothing I or anyone else can do to hasten the process.

So, it's pretty simple to "know" that you cant "hasten the process." The hard part is accepting this reality?

Is that a question? That's just exactly what I said in my post.

First of all, a lot of our attitude is a reflection of our own personally imposed mental limitations. And you are bonded to all this 'garbage' ... a dad you can't forgive, an old friend you can't forgive, your position in life, etc. Breaking free! It's mental, which makes doing so difficult, but it's like you're not even trying.

I don't consider myself bonded to garbage. There are things that have happened to me in my life, both positive and negative, that are now part of who I am. I can no more break free from the negative things than I can from the positive things.

I also take issue with the assertion that I'm not "trying." What can this assertion be based on? Writing about my experiences, as I mentioned above, is my way of digesting them and trying to view them in a positive light. For example, if I hadn't lost my job, I would never have met some friends I now cherish or traveled to some amazing countries. Maybe those revelations don't always make it into blog posts, but, this is my blog and not CNN. Not every aspect of my life makes it into these pages because, at some point, I actually have to live it.

Secondly, perspective, my friend, will go a long way. Ultimately, others have it a lot worse than you. I'm not saying this is a reason for you to stop trying to better your self. Rather, suck it up. "It" being this shitty (brief) moment in your life.

This is just being condescending. The author has, by her own admission, come out of an unpleasant period in her life and into a more pleasant one. That's terrific, but it seems to have made her unfeeling toward people who are still going through unpleasant periods.

Obviously, any person on the planet can make a comparison to someone else's experience that is better and someone else's experience that is worse. Valentino Achak Deng can look at a Holocaust survivor and say "Auschwitz was worse," but that doesn't mean that being a Lost Boy of Sudan was a fun day at the rodeo. I'm engaging in wild exaggeration here, since my own struggles obviously pale in comparison to those of either Deng or anyone in the Holocaust, but the fact remains that my struggles are meaningful to me and the fact that other people have struggles too doesn't erase that. If you broke your leg and I broke both legs, does that make your leg hurt less?

Like I said at the beginning, the danger of using a public forum to process feelings is that it is public. It's obvious to me that if you stumble across a point of view you find repugnant, you should avoid it, but it's equally obvious to me that not everyone does that.

I have this uncle who is Facebook friends with one of my cousins (his nephew). My uncle complains ceaselessly about my cousin's Facebook status updates, decrying them as "filth." My uncle has several means available to him to avoid these status updates, but he acts like he's Alex in A Clockwork Orange, strapped down with his eyelids forced open as my cousin's Facebook status updates assault his helpless eyeballs. Some people just like to be annoyed and will deliberately seek out people or situations that irritate them because of it. That says more to me about the annoyed person than the annoying person.

Obviously, it bothers me that someone would send me this email or I wouldn't have dedicated a blog post to it. When I got the email, my first thoughts were: "What the fuck did I do to you?" and "Who are you to give me advice?" Those are still basically my thoughts, but like I said, some people just like to be annoyed, so perhaps I provide a useful service.

I Get So Tired of Working So Hard for Our Survival, I Look to These Times With You to Keep Me Awake and Alive

I'm getting resume fatigue again.

About six months ago, I wrote fifty postcards to a generic address for American military personnel overseas. I didn't entirely understand why I was doing it. I hear that getting mail makes soldiers feel better, but I can't imagine they get much of a morale boost from a generic postcard. Still, I dutifully wrote encouraging messages on the postcards and sent them off into the abyss. Obviously, I never heard from anyone in response because they didn't have my address. I don't know if anyone even saw my postcards.

I'm starting to feel the same way about sending off job applications as I did about those postcards. I no longer associate the sending of a resume with an offer of employment. Even in a prosperous economy, unsolicited resumes yield a low rate of return, but this is ridiculous. There are jobs out there for which I am ideally suited, but I'm not getting calls from the employers. I assume this is because there are so many other unemployed or under-employed people who have the same qualifications I do, and I have to stand in line with all of them to wait for enough jobs to come back to sustain all of us.

I just want to cry. It's so hard not to feel defeated by this job search. It's terrible to go through something like this -- where I am trying my hardest but there is nothing I or anyone else can do to hasten the process.

Don't Call Me Daughter, Not Fit To, the Picture Kept Will Remind Me

Trying to make room for my father in my life again has been both easier and harder than I anticipated.

On the easier side, Dad graciously didn't ask for any explanation as to why I suddenly started talking to him again after so long or why I stopped talking to him in the first place. I appreciated that since I didn't really feel like getting into that with him, at least not at this time.

On the harder side, there are still big portions of my life from which I want to exclude my father. For instance, my mother decided to "help" by emailing him a photo of Teh Doggeh and me titled "your daughter and your grandson." (Side note: Dad didn't realize for several moments that the grandson was the dog and perused the photo for a real baby and got all mad at my brother for not mentioning the entire person I'd given birth to. Ha.) Dad emailed me referring to Teh Doggeh as his grandson, and it made me mad. I thought to myself that my stepfather is Teh Doggeh's grandfather and my dad is just some guy Teh Doggeh would like to bite. I guess it's progress that there are even tiny parts of my life in which I am willing to include my father.

Outside the Cars are Beeping Out a Song Just in Your Honor

Sometimes we bring heartache on ourselves.

I emailed Goose. To be more specific, I included him on a group email with a link to the photos from my most recent vacation. This was a pretty wuss way to contact him, but I thought that a more casual group-type email would be easier on both of us than if I just told him I'm in love with him.

When my mom was here, I told her that when I decided not to go to Las Vegas with Goose, I thought one of two things would happen. I thought either he would come around to what I wanted (breaking up with his girlfriend and at least giving something between him and me a chance) or I would stop missing him. Neither of those things has happened. I don't know if he and his girlfriend are still together, but he hasn't told me that they're not, and I'm still in love with him. Mom told me that you never stop being in love with people you truly love. The best you can hope for is that someday, you meet someone else and can make room for that new person in your heart. This was not exactly what I wanted to hear, but my mom's specialty is "shit you don't want to hear."

I shouldn't have emailed him. I know this. I have no one to blame but myself for the fact that I'm feeling like someone poked my heart-bruise. I know this also. As naive as it may seem, I thought he might be glad to hear from me and maybe we could at least be friends. I think I'd rather have him in my life in some capacity than not in my life at all. Apparently, he does not share that feeling.

Widespread Panic

I think I made a mistake switching jobs.

The temp job I'm at now is only going to last for three weeks. Typically, when a temp job says it will last for three weeks, that means it will last for a year. I started my night job in August 2009 being told it was a three-week project, and I'm still working on it. There are some people who started on it in March 2009 who are still on it. This one has a hard deadline of July 1, and they say that there isn't going to be anything much going on beyond that deadline.

Shit. Shitty shit shit. Shit on a shit cracker.

I hated my old boss, and I complained about him every day. I hated going into that job. But the work wasn't drying up in a matter of weeks. Now I'm freaking out because I traded in a long-term job for one that will last only for the next few weeks. I came home tonight and emailed every legal temp placement agency I could find about jobs starting in July, so I hope to find something else. The good news is that Craig's List shows a lot of document review jobs, all paying about the same rate that I make at this new job.

The Way We Were

In the past week, I feel like I've taken the table that is my life and completely upended it. I've basically taken a few situations that I was manageably unhappy about and taken the risk of changing them. I've already mentioned my job, but wait! There's more!

I also started speaking to my father again after barely talking to him for the past eight years. My father and I had a troubled, tumultuous relationship for most of my childhood and young adulthood, and, as I've said before, I severed contact with him not long after I graduated from college. It doesn't take a psychology degree to know that my flawed skills at choosing suitable male partners stem from my fractured relationship with my dad. A lot of people think I'm attracted to guys with girlfriends, but it's more complex than that. I'm attracted to guys who have something else in their lives that is their number one priority (see, e.g., Goose, who has a girlfriend but whose main priority is his job), like my dad with his work and his money and his hoarding problem. What I continually hope for is the guy choosing me over whatever this other priority is, which will make me feel important and worthy. So far, this hasn't happened.

My mom held the strong opinion that "healing the relationship" (her words, or maybe Dr. Phil's) with my father would allow me to stop the cycle of choosing unavailable men and maybe get, like, a real boyfriend. I'm not so sure. My dad is still who he is. I don't know how to accept him the way he is and not feel disappointed in his lack of fathering skills. I am trying though. I emailed him to wish him a happy birthday the other day, and he sent me a short, pleasant response. I was surprised, since I thought he would send some overwrought email simultaneously praising me for renewing contact with him and lambasting me for freezing him out for so long. He showed admirable self-restraint though, so maybe I don't know him as well as I thought. So, getting back in touch with Dad ended up being anti-climactic, but I hope it's leading toward a positive end.

In the sillier realm of things, I also planned a trip to Asia for September and bought a new couch from a neighbor who is moving away. I know putting a new piece of furniture on par with a new job or a fresh start with my dad is ridiculous, but when all the changes started piling up, I felt overwhelmed.

I'm Starting With the Man in the Mirror

I quit my job!

Yes, that sound you hear is a gospel choir singing "Hallelujah."

I was offered that other temp job today, and I jumped on that shit. I'm taking a pay cut to go there, so I was a little reluctant, but I'm doing it anyway. When I was growing up, my mom used to keep a page from a page-a-day calendar on her office bulletin board with the quote, "Unhappiness can be a great motivator if we don't get too comfortable with it." I normally don't pay any attention to platitudes like that, but that one stuck with me, and it applies in this situation.

I was unhappy at my day job, but it had three things going for it. First and most importantly, it paid better than other temp jobs available to me. Second, it was familiar. I've had a lot of changes in the past year, which has made me cherish the familiar, even if the familiar is also unpleasant. Third, even though I was unhappy, it was usually a manageable level of unhappiness. My supervisor was predictably shitty to me -- he didn't try to get creative with his shitty behavior, probably because he isn't smart enough to innovate. In other words, I became comfortable with my unhappiness and it wasn't motivating me to find something better.

I feel good about making this change. It might not lead to a better employment situation, but I feel empowered because I took action to change a bad situation instead of just complaining about it.

If You Wanna Make the World a Better Place, Take a Look at Yourself and Then Make a Change

It's no secret that I haven't been happy about my employment situation, populated as my workplace is by abusive bullies. I have considered many times whether I ought to quit even before I find another job to replace this one, just to salvage some sanity and self-esteem, especially since I have a second income through my night job.

I have stayed thus far because this job pays significantly more than any other unskilled temporary position I have seen in the marketplace -- almost twice as much, in fact. Financially, staying is the right choice.

Today, I received an email about a temp position that caught my eye. It pays less than my current day job but more than a lot of what I've seen advertised. I think it pays enough that I could make the financial transition with minimal pain. I sent in my materials, and I am now being considered.

My biggest concern about taking this job (if it's offered to me) is whether I'm going from one negative workplace environment to another equally negative one for less money. In other words, am I jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire? Throughout my struggles to deal with my career setback in the economic downturn, I've been trying to learn some recession lessons that I might be able to carry with me during rosier times. One question I'm asking myself right now is whether, when faced with an insupportable situation like the one at my day job, it is a good idea to take a risk even knowing that it might fail.

Taking chances and making changes are both hard. I'm comfortable taking chances in certain areas of my life (witness my love of travel) but not others (witness my constant choice of unavailable men). Based on my selection of law as a profession, I would say that I am uncomfortable taking chances when it comes to my career. Being laid off has made me even more risk-averse because my self-confidence is bruised, making me less likely to believe in my own instincts.

I hope that one day, when I look back on this period of adversity in my life, I see it as a time of tremendous personal growth. I have spent the past year or so outside of my comfort zone more often than ever before, and this instance is another example of that. Normally, when faced with a decision of whether to stay in a shitty job that pays well and is familiar or leave for a different, lower-paying job that might also be shitty, I would stay with the pat hand. Now, I'm at least trying to change jobs in the hope of being happier at work even though there is a chance that I won't be.

It's Always the Same, It's Just a Shame, That's All

When I got home from my vacation on Sunday, I found the rejection letter from the place I interviewed before I left. That was a big let-down.

I had reservations about going to this firm. I wasn't enamored of the idea of moving back to the Bean (though I wasn't strongly opposed to it either) and I heard that this firm treated some of its employees really poorly (though that probably describes every major law firm in this economic climate). I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a job working almost exclusively for one partner, subject entirely to his whims and moods. In other words, given that I need to stay with my next employer for a minimum of three years, it might not have been a great situation for me. That said, I was deeply disappointed to be passed over. Maybe a day will come when I look back and think I dodged a bullet, but today is not that day. I thought I did well at the interview, or at least that I did my best, and it hurts not to be chosen.

Coming back from vacation was really hard today. I don't think anyone is happy on the first day back to work after a fun trip, but I was completely miserable. It was so refreshing to be away from work and away from all the attendant indignities and humiliations that accompany each and every day of this job. People treated me like a human being, worthy of respect.

Sitting at my desk, I contemplated my choices. Basically, I can quit or I can stay. If I quit, all evidence suggests that I won't be able to replace the job with another similarly-paying temp job. I guarantee that after a week of gleeful elation and triumph over quitting my hated job, panic will set in and I will stop remembering the truth of how awful the job is and start regretting that I surrendered a decently-paying temp assignment. If I stay, the job will continue eroding my already-diminished self-esteem. These are not great choices.

The best case scenario is obviously to leave the job under the positive circumstances of finding alternate employment elsewhere. So far, this has not happened. On the positive side, I've been getting more interest from employers in interviewing me lately, which is encouraging. On the negative side, none of these interviews has led to an offer of employment. It's demoralizing to continue sending out resume after resume (usually at least five per day) and going on the occasional interview without anything to show for it. When I talk to other people, I can feel their relief at not being me rolling off of them like a tidal wave. I'm afraid that when I actually do find a job, I won't have anything left to give my employer. I'm even more afraid that I'll never find a job at all.