Seize the Days 2

An update on my list:

1. Egypt (pyramids)
2. Dubai
3. Jordan
4. Syria (Damascus)
5. Kenya/Tanzania/Uganda/Rwanda (safari(s))
6. Madagascar
7. India (Taj Mahal)
8. Nepal
9. Russia (Moscow/St. Petersburg)
10. Cambodia (Angkor Wat)
11. Bhutan
12. China (Great Wall, Terracotta Warriors, Hong Kong)
13. Macau
14. Argentina/Uruguay
15. Peru (Machu Picchu)
16. Ecuador (Galapagos Islands)
17. Antarctica

So, I've checked off three of the things on my list in a little over a year. Well done, me.

Thinking But Not Out Loud, There Are Too Many Prophets Here

I interviewed today for a recruiting job that I didn't think I wanted. I'm still not sure I want it, but it gave me a new idea. Here are three things I know for sure: (1) I don't like practicing law and I wouldn't miss it if I stopped, (2) The practice of law has indicated that the feeling is mutual, and (3) I don't know what else I want to do. That means I'm in a state of arrested development, or suspended animation. I keep waiting to figure out what I want to do with my life, but I'm just in a rut. Maybe if I took a job in a slightly different (but admittedly related) area, it would give me some new insights. Maybe it's even possible that recruiting would end up being what I want to do. Just a thought.

Here is My Heart, Here is My Song, There Are Too Many Prophets Here

I watched the season finale of How I Met Your Mother yesterday, and it affected me unusually deeply. I daresay it affected me even more profoundly than Chuck's declaration of love to Blair -- an event that caused Teh Doggeh to kiss both Teeny and me. Specifically, I was moved by Lily's speech to Ted that he needed to stop trying to be an architect when the universe was clearly telling him that it wasn't going to work out and take a leap into doing something else. Lily urged Ted to forget about his rigid plan to be an architect and let his life unfold the way it is going to unfold without worrying about what is supposed to happen.

I am a total Ted, which is probably why I find that character a little dull and annoying. The Ted Show is playing all the time in my head. The main difference is that, unlike Ted, I occasionally do suit up. In this instance, I am married to my belief that I have to be a lawyer and, not only that, but a highly-compensated lawyer. (Frankly, I do not enjoy the law enough to be any other kind. The money is the only thing making this job worthwhile.) I feel like the universe (or whatever) keeps telling me that I'm not meant to do this, much like Ted with architecture. If I was meant to be a lawyer, would it be so hard? I went to a top five law school and yet this is the second time in my short career that I've faced a difficult employment search. I'm not saying that there are not other people out there who have encountered similar or more daunting obstacles, but what I am saying is (1) most of them didn't go to the school I went to and (2) maybe those people aren't meant to be lawyers either.

Where my life diverges from Ted's -- probably mostly because I'm not the main character on a hilarious sitcom -- is in the fact that the universe hasn't presented any obvious alternative path to me. In Ted's case, he had an offer to be a professor at Columbia. The dolt didn't want to take it because of the old saw that "those who can't do, teach." (It occurs to me that a professor of architecture might still be able to design the occasional structure and might, in fact, have enhanced credibility because of his professorial status.) I don't know what else to do or what else I would want to do.

My mom thinks I should be a writer. Obviously, I enjoy writing since I spend a lot of my free time writing a blog that is read by a maximum of two people. But I really only enjoy writing my little blog. I've tried to write fiction, and it never goes well. I have no gift for dialogue, pacing, plot or any of the other things I so enjoy in the fiction I read. My friend Teeny encourages me to go into the travel industry, but I think working in the industry would suck all the joy out of it for me. I have no desire to shepherd a revolving cast of drunk twentysomethings through a foreign country, trying to discourage them from raping the locals or each other, and most of the other jobs in the travel industry are analogous to jobs in any other industry.

I wish someone had left me at the altar so the person for whom he left me could come back to offer me a sweet teaching gig at an Ivy League university. What should I do next? Universe?

You Look So Dumb Right Now, Standing Outside my House, Trying to Apologize

The latest from the new guy:

Okay, so are you going to say anything anytime soon or are you going to continue ignoring me?

My response was:

When I said I forgave you, I absolutely meant it and still do mean it. When I said I care about you, I absolutely meant it and still do mean it. But forgiving you for things you've done only encompasses the past. The issue of whether we should have a relationship going forward is a separate question, and I don't believe it is a good idea at this point.

He can't be serious, can he? He ignored me for a fucking month and when he finally did talk to me after I hounded him into doing so, he spent half the email talking about the hot chick he was formerly fucking. Now, because he magically decides he wants to resume a relationship, I need to respond tout de suite or he will have a tantrum.

Update:

Apparently, he can be serious. His response:

Who said anything about a relationship??? I only added you on Facebook as a friend. I am not looking to pursue anything with you, so relax yourself!

My response:

A relationship of any kind, including friendship. I understood you were as disinterested in pursuing something romantic with me as I am with you.

His response:

LOL Whatever! If you're going to be like this then it's you who is losing out, not me. Friends or no friends, having you on Facebook is not going to harm anyone or anything. But fine, suit yourself.

Who Do You, Who Do You, Who Do You Think You Are? Ha Ha Ha, Bless Your Soul.

The latest email missive from the new guy:

I added you to Facebook again. I'm actually quite surprised you forgave me. Maybe as friends we can work on it, and besides I still want to show you what I am doing with myself these days. I don't think cutting you out completely is really the best thing to do.

My friend Teeny analyzed his email thusly, and I find I cannot improve upon what she said:

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Me. Me. Me. I. I. I.

Nuts!!

I've Realized I've Got Me, Myself and I

I'm glad I talked to the new guy yesterday. His email is truly an egregious display of callowness and low-class behavior unrivaled in the annals of male history, but I see now that he's just an asshole. This is his modus operandi. It's disappointing that he's such a worthless human being, but I feel free because I realize that his behavior isn't personal. He wasn't mistreating me in particular, he was just behaving the way he behaves in a relationship. He comes on like gangbusters, tells the woman all manner of lovely things, discovers a miniscule flaw, and then bails without ever being seen or heard from again. I assume this all comes from his cripplingly low self-esteem. He makes mountains out of molehills because he doesn't want the relationship to get to a point where it gets real and he might get hurt. He also isn't capable of feeling empathy for others, as evidenced by the fact that he wasn't going to say anything to me about not wanting to keep in touch despite having said mere days earlier that he needed me. All he can feel is self-pity. He is exactly like my father -- a toxic person, a Dark Artist (to borrow a phrase from Martha Beck). He's someone to flush out of my life without a second thought, and that gives me the closure I need to move on.

This is Gonna Hurt if It Ever Ends, Somehow You Have Shattered my Defense

So, he responded...

Well I figured I should send you a response now since you sent me the same message to me like the one on Facebook. I actually ignored the one you sent me on Facebook, kind of like my own way to brush it off. But I guess since you're emailing me now with the same message, it sounds like you do want a response. So here it is.

I was really pissed off with the way things unfolded. When I called you that day and I was hearing a constant push button tone, like you were trying to make a point for not talking to me, I thought that was extremely immature. Whatever [our friend] told you, I really don't give a shit. She doesn't know me, or my side of the story, and she jumped to conclusions like I'm the bad guy. Whatever! Rather than you talking to me like a mature adult (that is still up in the air and I am really questioning whether you are or not) you had to constantly push buttons on your phone with an annoying tone, like you don't want to talk to me. Well I don't know how you felt, but I was feeling rather annoyed and pissed off. What else... WHERE THE HELL did you get the retarded idea that I called you a bitch??? Did [our friend] tell you that? I wonder what else she told you, or what other distortions of the truth she over elaborated on telling you. Once again, I really don't give a shit. [Our friend] had absolutely no right to interfere in our business. Ok so you turned to her for some comfort. Fantastic! She should have just been a shoulder to cry on, not someone to mediate, take sides, or go as far as attacking me. She has NOTHING to do with our situation! To me, [our friend] is a nobody. I hope to god I never have to cross paths with her again. As for her stupid little scarf, tell her to get over it! I have no idea what happened to it, frankly I don't care!

As for our situation... ok so I have to now tell you that I am not perfect. I am making it sound like this is all of your fault. That's not true. It is mine too. I admit that I was way out of line and I totally made you feel so good by telling you that I will come down and visit you, and then I dropped the bomb on you and didn't come afterall. Yep, I'm a jerk for that. Perhaps you need to hear my side of story. You have NO idea how gigantic my family is. I have A LOT of friends and A HELL OF A LOT of family and relatives who were dying to see me when I got home. Sure I made you feel like you're number 1 priority and said that I will come and see you, and stay with you for as long as I can. Well, obviously that changed. During the time that I was at home meeting friends and family, I was barely having enough time for myself, to have a life, because people were always calling me up and asking me to meet and hang out. During that time... this is going to be something that you might not want to hear... I met someone. Things were going great, really hot and heavy, and then we decided to kick things off. Once again... something that you may not want to hear... since you were in Boston and of course I'm in Toronto, I figured it was easy for me to cut you off and not talk to you, and eventually we'll drift apart. But the day that [our friend] and I were bashing our heads together, I figured that I should step up to the plate and man-up, and stop acting like a jerk and call you to tell you what's going on in my life... despite whether you'll talk to me or hate my guts for the rest of my life. Then when I saw the childish behaviour between you and [our friend], that was A LOT easier for me to push you out of my life and close the door.

There's other things that really fucking annoy me to death! The fact that you don't, or refuse, to take care of yourself! I'm sorry [my name], but having a healthy AND ACTIVE lifystyle is VERY IMPORTANT to me!!!!!!!!! And I EXPECT the person who I am seeing to be the same as me. I like.... no, I LOVE working out! I LOVE going for runs! I LOVE eating healthy! I LOVE burning calories and fighting hard in the gym, making a BIG FUCKING MESS SWEATING ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!! You have NO IDEA how important health and fitness is for me. I want a woman who I can wake up in the morning with and go out for runs, or go to the gym and do spin classes, lift weights, work out in general! I NEED THAT! You were not willing to do that with me, and you were being very stubborn about it. That in itself right there was a major turn off! I'm sorry it sounds so harsh, but it has to be said. Men love women who actually take the time to take care of themselves, that includes eating properly and healthy. It is FAR too important for me. The girl I was seeing was being just that. She is everything that I have ever wanted, and she loved working out. She was just like me... she could not go a day without going to the gym. Some days she went to the gym twice in the same day! She was SMOKING HOT, perfect body, gorgeous figure, and because she was taking extreme care of herself, that made it all better. The fact that she wanted to spend time with me, including wanting to work out with me, was a dream come true!

So now here I am... late in the month of May. The girl I was seeing, well... unfortunately she and I didn't work out. We ended things mutually because we both figured that our lives were going in opposite directions. I think about her all the time but I know nothing is going to work because of our situations. But I'll be honest with you now... throughout this month I was also thinking about you too. Sure I saw your pictures on Facebook and I thought to myself, what if I came down to see [my name]? But the other part of me thought... it's a good thing that I didn't come down because I knew I would be miserable. So rather than breaking your heart in person, I broke your heart from afar.

So now you see my side of the story. Now you can make all the judgements you want, call me whatever name you want to call me, and hate me for the rest of my life (honestly, I am actually expecting that). But I have to say something....[my name], I am sorry. If you respond to me saying that you forgive me, I'll be rather quite surprised because I am now expecting you really hate my guts. But, for real, I am sorry for the mess I put you through.


I responded to that by saying:

I don't hate you -- far from it. I care about you very much, and even though we haven't known each other that long, I think that will always be true.

I get that you're mad at [our friend], and I get why. I agree with you that she should have just listened to me and not said anything to you. Had she asked me beforehand, I would have asked her not to say anything to you. She didn't (obviously). I don't expect you to agree, but I think she was just trying to be a good friend in a misguided sort of way. I don't think I was childish to talk to my friend about my feelings, and the rest was either between you and [our friend] or a misunderstanding (see below).

I'm sorry that you kept getting a weird tone when you called. It was unintentional on my part. I didn't even know you were calling. At the time you called, I was walking my dog over to a friend's apartment, and I had my hands full with the dog leash and stuff I was bringing for dinner, and I have a new phone. I may have pressed buttons that gave you that tone -- I don't know what happened. I get that you were already in a bad mood when you called, so I'm sure that was very frustrating, but it was unintentional and definitely not me trying to make a point of not talking to you.

I have a lot of conflicting emotions about the rest of what you said. I understand how important a healthy lifestyle is to you, and I'm happy that you take such good care of yourself and get such enjoyment out of it. I maintain that my lifestyle is also healthy; without being here and actually spending time with me, you don't really have any basis to say it is or isn't. When we argued about that, I suspected it was, in part, a pretext so you could push me away. Now that you tell me you met someone else after you got home, I feel like I was right about that.

I'm happy that you met someone else (though I really could have done without hearing how hot she is, frankly) (and by "happy," I mean, "glad for you as a friend but also feel sad for myself"), and I'm sorry it didn't work out. It sounds like the two of you had more interests in common than you and I do. I wish you had called me to tell me that instead of just blowing me off when I thought you were coming to visit. The fact that you wanted to end our friendship/relationship by just not calling me anymore just breaks my heart. I think you owed me that honesty, and I think you know that, so I won't belabor the point.

I don't know whether we would have been miserable if you had followed through on the plan to come visit me. Certainly, we are very different people, and we have always agreed that the fact that we live in different places was a big problem that we didn't see any efficient way to resolve. My perspective was that we had a strong and special connection that was worth exploring, but it sounds like you don't agree. (Or at least the fact that you were having a relationship with someone else and just decided to stop calling me makes me feel like you don't agree.)

Anyway, I don't want to call you any names, and I don't hate you at all. You did some things that hurt me very much, but I forgive you. I think you're an amazing person, and I wish things were different.

This Is Gonna Hurt if It Ever Starts, So Just Promise You'll Be Careful With my Heart

I didn't hear anything back from the new guy, so obviously he's laboring under the delusion that when I say no response is required, I mean it. I am surprised that he harbors this particular misapprehension because it's so unlike him to let anyone else get the last word, especially me. Maybe he really doesn't care anymore. Hunh.

Love Is Good, Love Can Be Strong, We Got to Get Right Back to Where We Started From

I caved in and emailed the new guy after we talked indirectly on Facebook for a little while this morning. This is what I said:

Hey,

I know things between us ended on a bad and sudden note. Although I care about you very, very much, I don't know if it was wrong that things ended (depends on what day, and what minute of the day you ask me), but I wanted to say something about the way it happened.

I did talk to [our friend] about you, which you obviously know already. It wasn't malicious. I was hurt by the argument we'd had earlier that week and by the fact that I hadn't heard from you since that argument even though I had thought you were going to come to [where I live] for the weekend. Since it had been so many days since I'd heard from you, I thought things were done between us anyway, and I turned to [our friend] for comfort and support. What she did after that was her own decision. I didn't ask her to confront you about anything, and I didn't know she had until you both started texting me. If there was something I had wanted to say to you, I would have said it to you myself.

That's all I wanted to say. It has been bothering me for awhile. No real need to respond.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Big interview tomorrow...

He Blinded Me With Science, He Hit Me With Technology

After the weird comment the new guy made about our mutual friend's photo on Friday night, this is what our mutual friend had to say about it:

I think its really simple. You two still have feelings, you both act as if your over it but I think you still both are a bit tender about the whole thing and seeing you out with some one else - even a guy he knows is gay still hurts and he's just reacting bad.

This makes me ache for the new guy. On the one hand, I'm glad to think that he hasn't forgotten all about me already. On the other hand, I care about him, and I don't want to think he's upset. One of the down sides of the way I chose to end things is that it didn't provide closure for either of us. It just left us with raw wounds. I'm so tempted to reach out to him, but I don't think it's a good idea. I feel confused.

Baby, Baby, Where Did Our Love Go? And All of Your Promises of Love Forevermore?

The new guy unwittingly (maybe) answered my question of whether he's still thinking of me in the affirmative. A mutual friend of ours invited me to dinner tonight (this mutual friend is gay, so this was a platonic dinner), and he asked someone to take our photo outside the restaurant with his camera phone. Because it's a camera phone, he instantly posted the photo to Facebook. The new guy posted a weird comment to the tune of, "Hey nice picture! [Mutual friend's name] you look like you just got potty trained. Good boy.... GOOD BOY!"

Can anyone explain to me what that comment means?

The Book of Love is Long and Boring and Written Very Long Ago. It's Full of Flowers and Heart-Shaped Boxes and Things We're All Too Young to Know.

I missed the new guy a little less today. It's like I'm living that "I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow" song in reverse. I talked to a mutual friend of ours today, one who has been saying since we first hooked up that we are too different to work, and it reinforced my belief that I made the right decision in cutting the new guy loose. The more I talk about him, the more I realize that the new guy bears a striking and unsettling similarity to my father. Both of them can be the nicest men you'd ever hope to meet when they're in the mood, but when they're not in the mood to be nice...look out.

Both are also prone to obsessions. The new guy loves exercise like he found Jesus on the elliptical machine, but I have a crisp dollar bill that says that if we checked in on him two years from now, he would be equally passionately invested in something else. My father, in my lifetime, has been deeply devoted to such varied pursuits as woodworking, guitar, harmonica, Tae Kwon Do and raising orchids. He was excellent at all of those things, but he lost interest. I think both the new guy and my father doubt themselves and don't like themselves very much, so they are looking for validation and fulfillment from the outside. They want to channel all of themselves into a hobby to distract themselves from dealing with themselves. And it's a shame because I think that, at heart, they're both wonderful men and I love both of them very much. It's not up to me to help them to see that though. That's their journey, and I have my own to follow.

Cecilia

People Who Are Breaking My Heart

What the fuck is the matter with the new guy? (Also, I really should have thought of a blog name for him, but now it's too late.) It has been over two weeks, and he still hasn't called, texted, emailed, written, visited or sent a carrier pigeon. I know I told him never to contact me again, but he never listened to anything else I ever said, so I can't imagine why he's decided to start now.

My friends are divided into two camps on this issue. Well, that's not entirely accurate. All of my friends are in the "it would be best never to talk to this assface again" camp. But within that unified camp, there is one faction that thinks it's inevitable that he'll resurface and one considerably smaller faction that thinks that he'll never be the first one to cave in and contact me and that he'll just wait for me to contact him and lose interest when I don't.

I don't even know why I'm still invested in this "relationship."

People Who Are Shaking My Confidence Daily

Potential employers. Today, I had a recruiting coordinator call me about an in-house position for which I submitted my resume (at this point, no other kind of in-house position exists in the world). The person who eventually takes the job will be doing a certain kind of securities law work. I have securities experience, but in another area, which it clearly says on my resume. Said recruiting coordinator called to inquire a little further about my level and type of experience and my reasons for being interested in the position. (I love when recruiters ask this. The reason anyone is ever interesed in any position is because they need a job and a job is being offered. End of story. Stop asking this fucking ridiculous question.) Anyway, he said that he was going to meet with the hiring decision-makers on Friday, and that I would probably hear something about next steps within five business days. Three hours later, I get a form email of rejection. Why did this guy waste my time? Why did he waste his own time? Why did he even bother to give me a time frame for a response when he planned to ding me in a form email mere hours later? Why?

And in general, why aren't I getting more interviews? Yes, I know, the economy is bad. But I have a good resume and solid work experience, and I'm really not seeing much interest in that. Places that, frankly, should be psyched to get my resume are thumbing their noses at me. This economy needs to improve immediately.

I've Been Down-Hearted, Baby, I've Been Down-Hearted, Baby, Ever Since the Day We Met

I really miss the new guy. I know it's crazy. He acted like a complete and total asshole there at the end. The way he behaved was unforgivable, but it isn't getting any easier to be away from him. In fact, now that time and distance blunted the sharp edges of my anger, I just miss him and want to talk to him. I remind myself that talking to him will quickly devolve into listening to him holler at me, but I can't quite convince myself that he's a bad idea. I've done everything I can to protect myself from myself -- I deleted all his emails and Facebook messages, I deleted his phone number from my phone and my entire call history to make sure I didn't succumb to the desire to text him based on getting his phone number from my missed calls log. But shouldn't this be getting easier instead of harder?

Pop! Six! Squish! Uh uh, Cicero Lipschitz!

The new guy is seeing this other chick from our Egypt tour this weekend. If he isn't trying to hit that, I will give you one million dollars.