You Were Meant for Me, and I Was Meant for You

Is there a boyfriend factory somewhere that designed Slumdog Millionaire's Jamal Malik for me? If so, how do I get there? It is not in Google Maps.

Seriously, it's like the writer of this script set out to find my man-kryptonite and succeeded admirably. This dude is tall, skinny, Indian, young and poor. He grew up in a slum! Mrowr! And he's 18, which makes him young but also legal! Double mrowr! Now, if only I could get to Fictional Movie World and break up him with that super-hot Muslim chick he was madly in love with...

My Whole Entire Unit is Dangerous

I may be reaching a critical point of needing to find myself a boyfriend. Yesterday, I flirted with one of our clients for no reason other than that he's single and I'm bored. That's not a good reason, actually.

I've Realized That I Just Don't Love You, Not Like I Used To

Catalano is officially deleted out of my cell phone. He never responded to my email from the Friday before last. I kept thinking that he would, and when he didn't, I became more and more hurt and pissed.

Catalano's main virtue as a man and a friend was his willingness to apologize when he did something hurtful. That is a good quality to have, but its value is diminished by the fact that he keeps doing things that he needs to apologize for. At some point (and this is that point), I have to say that whether he means to be a jerk or not, he's not a good friend to me and having him in my life is more trouble than it is worth.

Mystic Crystal Revelations

Aquarius!

I did a phone consultation with a psychic on Tuesday. My family has always been pretty into psychics and other things in that vein, which is what I think happens to people who feel fundamentally lost but have no religious upbringing, but I haven't delved into that area in a long time. A friend of mine mentioned she had visited this psychic recently and that the woman was dead-on when it came to work stuff, though she didn't think she was as accurate about romance. For once in my life, I want to know more about work stuff than romance, so I decided to give her a call to see what she saw in my future.

Some of the stuff she said with respect to my job was not surprising. Basically, she sensed without my prompting her that things have not been going well overall at work. She said that it wasn't my fault, and that people were putting things on me and placing expectations on me that I couldn't possibly live up to. She saw me leaving this job soon, probably going to a smaller firm, which would improve my health and overall well-being. I think she made a valid point about the job. Things have gone better lately in terms of the feedback I'm getting, which is obviously great, but it's not a good fit for me in the long run. At some level, I knew that but I hadn't openly acknowledged it. Frankly, in this economy, I'm not sure it's a good time to be engaging in professional fulfillment-type soul searching, but the economy will improve eventually, and it's good to start marshaling my resources for a move when possible.

She also saw me starting my own business down the road, once I have more experience, and she saw that business focused on counseling. She said that if I weren't in law, I would be a psychologist, which is probably true because I am a know-it-all and enjoy advising other people on how to live their lives. (Or, as I prefer to think of it, helping them to identify their goals and the most effective strategies for reaching them.) I have been interested in career counseling for awhile, so that didn't seem wildly off base to me, even though I have never seen myself as an entrepreneur.

Perhaps most importantly, she told me that I am supposed to be writing a book. I don't know why it resonated when a psychic I have never previously met told me that considering that my mom and my best friend have been telling me that for years. I guess it's easy to dismiss a mom or a best friend when she tells you that you have a talent to share with the world because those are people you expect to be supportive to the point of being blind to the limitations of your talents. But having a complete stranger tell me makes me think that maybe it is something I should be doing. I wish I had some idea what I was supposed to be writing a book about.

Some Shit I Definitely Don't Need

Still nothing from Catalano. It occurred to me this morning that he may have had to prepare for a trial this weekend after all, but my very next thought after that was, "I do not care." Being up to his eyeballs in trial preparation this weekend is a perfectly rational reason not to respond to my email, but it doesn't erase the sting of the weird text message fight we had. And all his reticence has done, regardless of why it is happening, is give me more time to think and get pissed off.

He was offended that I de-friended him after not hearing from him pursuant to his previous plan to visit between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and he said he wanted to come this weekend because a three-day weekend would give him a chance to spend more time with me. Then, the day before he was supposed to come, he has some weird malfunction and decides he doesn't want to come. Even worse, he manages to make me feel bad about it first and push me into being the one to suggest he not come. As the grand finale, when I try to smooth things over, he makes no reply. Rawr!

He's the Time Taken Up But There's Never Enough and He's All That I Need to Fall Into

I still haven't heard anything from Catalano in response to my email Friday morning. Not an email, not a phone call, not even a stupid text message. Catalano has an iPhone from which he has sent me emails on numerous occasions, so I have no doubt that he received and read my email and has simply chosen not to respond yet. The best case scenario is that he is trying to compose his thoughts for a pithy, heartfelt reply, but I can hardly get that statement out without snickering.

So I Drive Home Alone, As I Turn Out the Light, I'll Put His Picture Down and Maybe Get Some Sleep Tonight

Still no response from Catalano. My mom thinks, and I'm not currently inclined to disagree, that it's time for him to make his way to the dumpster permanently. It's not cool for him to keep crawling out of the mists of the past to make me feel bad about myself. I don't know why it was easier to jettison The Only Living Boy in New York than Catalano, but I think it's because Catalano is genuinely remorseful when he hurts me and is just sad and confused in the wake of his break-up. I feel for him, but I have my own sanity to protect. He isn't my responsibility.

In other news, I had acupuncture and cupping today to alleviate the chronic pain in my neck (though ditching Catalano might have cured that -- har har). The photo is the results of the cupping. Nasty.

He's the Song in the Car I Keep Singing, Don't Know Why I Do

Me to him at 11:15 this morning:

Hi [Catalano],

I feel awkward about how we left things last night. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable or that you can't visit, but the phrasing of what you said made me wonder if you saw something happening or hoped for something happening between us in the future. I'm sorry for the bad timing, because I know the conversation is awkward so soon after things with [the ex-girlfriend]. I hope you're doing well, and you can always talk to me about whatever is going on.

[Known Associate]

No response.

Teardrops on my Guitar

Catalano isn't coming.

That is unsurprising. What surprised me is how it came about that he isn't coming.

He texted me this afternoon as I was leaving work to get a pedicure and a Brazilian wax (ouch, by the way) to find out if I have to work this weekend. I said I did not and asked if he did. He said that, as of now, he also does not have to work this weekend. So, I asked if that meant he planned to come visit me. He said that if the weather didn't get worse, he would come, and then he said that he wanted to clarify that, contrary to what he agreed to before, he would rather sleep on the couch than share the bed with me.

That upset me. I had been wondering what his expectations are since we planned this rendezvous, and his saying that made me feel like he was rejecting me. It also made me feel like he was pulling the classic Catalano move of acting interested (in agreeing to share the bed initially) and then taking it back. He said that after everything that happened with his ex-girlfriend, he would rather take the couch. So, I asked if something was going on with his ex-girlfriend, and he said there wasn't but that it had been only a couple of months, and he wasn't ready. I asked if that meant he foresaw being ready or something happening between us at some future point, and he said he didn't know, but that nothing could happen right now. Then he decided not to come this weekend. He says we'll do it another weekend, but I don't think he really will. In fact, I would be surprised if we talk again. It seemed like one of those conversations (via text message) that became more intense than either person really meant for it to become and then ends up ending the friendship.

I'm so disappointed. I didn't know what I wanted to happen between Catalano and me this weekend, but I always hoped something would happen between us eventually. For him, it has been only a couple of months since he broke up with his long-time girlfriend (so his feelings of unreadiness to move on are completely valid), but for me, it has been two and a half years of waiting for him to realize she sucks and try something with me instead (these feelings are also valid). Now I just feel sad and confused.

Crazy Train

Catalano hasn't emailed me since Monday, and now I'm convincing myself (baselessly, I admit) that he's blowing me off about this weekend. In between assuring myself that he isn't coming, I'm winding myself up about whether he expects us to have sex if he does come (there's almost a pun in there). And, of course, my concern about that is that he's going to have sex with me and then his ex-girlfriend is going to snap her fingers and he's going to callously cast me aside and get back with her because he's in love with her and not with me. I think it might be time to go to bed before I drive myself completely insane.

Weekend Update

I talked to a friend of mine last night about Catalano's (purported) upcoming visit, and she helped to put my mind at ease. She opined that, given that there has been some flirtation between us in the past, he's probably coming up here with an open mind just to see what might happen. I can deal with that, especially since I'm approaching the weekend with the same mindset. This friend is also Jewish and is dating a guy who is Christian, and she assured me that if being with someone Jewish is important to him, that will come up earlier rather than later.

Unfortunately, now that I'm feeling cheerier, Catalano has stopped responding to my emails. I emailed him yesterday and then emailed him again this morning, and he didn't respond to either. Rawr.

This Bed is On Fire With Passionate Love

My mom decided to throw herself atop the freak-out dog pile with respect to Catalano's (purported) upcoming visit by asking me if I have considered "sleeping arrangements" because, as she put it, if a guy is sleeping in the same bed with you, he expects to have sex with you. I don't know if my mom and I have only recently met and all the memories I have of her from growing up are created (like when Buffy remembered Dawn) but obviously I have considered the sleeping arrangements. I have put more thought into the sleeping arrangements than Eisenhower put into D-Day. And today I realized that the weekend that Catalano and I discussed as our first-choice option for his visit is next weekend, and I just want to pee my pants with nerves.

If I Stay in One Place, I Lose My Mind, I'm a Pretty Impossible Lady to be With

Catalano purports that he's coming for a visit.

He discovered that I de-friended him on the social networking site we both use, and he texted me late Sunday night to ask what was wrong. I emailed him on Monday to say that he'd led me to believe he wanted to come visit me and then blew me off, and that it made me feel like he only talked to me when he wanted something (long story). He explained that his brother had come to town from Asia and he wanted to talk to me to see if the invitation to visit was still open. So, then I felt guilty for acting like a nutburger.

So, now I guess he might actually come. I'm freaking out about so many different things that it is hard to narrow down the freak-outs. Here is the list of everything I've had a panic attack about:

1. That he might not actually come.

2. That he might come and not make any kind of move on me.

3. That he will come, make a move, and I will have to actually have sex with him.
3a. And that he'll never call me again.
3b. And that it will lead to a long distance relationship.
3b1. That will lead to his expecting me to convert to Judaism.

Back in the U.S.S.R.

I booked my trip to go to Russia today! Said trip is not happening until May 2010, but it is nonetheless booked. I promised myself I would go to Russia the year I turn 30, and I'm now I'm doing it. Da!