All the Thoughts I Didn't Say

I am sick. I am tired. I am sick and tired. I am sick and tired of waiting for the new boy to fucking gather his fucking thoughts. Fuck him and his fucking ungathered thoughts. My thoughts are gathered into a tight coil, a clenched fist. My thoughts are that I wish I had never spoken to him, that I wish he had just left me alone, that I wish he hadn't coaxed me into believing that he really cared about me when obviously he didn't. I don't care if I ever hear from him again.

Seriously, how long does it take to gather thoughts? We spoke on Saturday night, and it's now Tuesday night. That's three days, not to mention the entire week he had before that. And what's to gather? Does he want to visit me or not? He already said he did, so that should be the end of the fucking story until such time as the visit takes place.

I'm starting to think that I'm destined to become a spinster, and I'm starting to think that might be a good thing.

Deep Down in Your Heart, Do You Really Know How You Feel?

The new boy must have some mind-blowing thoughts because he's still off gathering them. I haven't heard boo from him in two days. I am uncharitably suspecting that he is either blowing me off or reasserting his dominance by making me wait on him after I reached out to him to try to repair the breach between us.

It might have been a mistake to email him. Well, it might have been and it wasn't. It might have been a mistake to think it was a good idea to reconcile. But it wasn't a bad idea to email him because I don't feel sad about the way things ended between us anymore. I no longer feel like maybe I should have tried harder.

I wanted to use this thought-gathering time to figure out what I want, and I think I finally got there. I want the same thing I always wanted from him. I want him to come here to visit me, I want it to go well, I want us to be together, and I want us to live happily ever after. The issue I'm having isn't with what I want, it's with how possible I think that outcome is. Before we had this fight, my feelings for him were bright and uncomplicated. Now, I have feelings for him in spite of myself, and, if we did get together, I would have to mount a campaign to exonerate him in the minds of the friends and relatives who think I'm better off never speaking to him again. I'm not sure those people are wrong, which is part of the problem. The trust that was once there is compromised, or perhaps gone entirely, and I don't know how he can earn it back or if he even cares to try. It doesn't bode well for our future together if I immediately conclude the worst when I don't hear from him for a few days. It doesn't really matter whether my conclusions are true or not, what matters is that my first reaction is that he's lying to me or jerking me around.

This morning, I questioned whether I should even answer the phone if he calls or respond if he emails. Now I think that I should. First, it's a dick move to reach out to him and then blow him off if he responds to my overtures. Second, it will take time for him to regain my trust, but I think he's a good man at heart and worth giving the chance. I can't expect that I will instantly feel a regeneration of the trust and the affection that I felt for him such a short time ago, but it might come in time. I think I owe it to myself to find out if it can. Assuming he ever gets back to me.

Stuck in No Man's Land, Ain't Nobody on Your Wave Band

So, still nothing from the new boy following up on his assertion that we need to talk. Perhaps he is still gathering his thoughts? I'm not wound up about it yet, but I wonder if he thought the better of talking.

I myself am not sure if it was such a great idea, and I was the one who reached out first. I've been trying to take advantage of today to gather my own thoughts, and I'm no further along than I was this morning. I know I'm still a little mad at him for the things he said because I keep fighting with him in my mind about it. I also know that I still want to see him and that my desire to see him outweighs my anger. Maybe that's all I have to know.

As for what I want from "us" or our relationship, that hasn't changed. My ultimate hope is that we'll end up together. Obviously, there are a lot of steps between here and there. If we decide to keep in touch, visit and so forth, we're going to learn increasingly more about each other. Maybe what we learn will bind us closer together and maybe it will teach us that we weren't meant to be. It's impossible to tell from this vantage point what the outcome will be or how long it will take to get there. I think there's enough between us (enough connection or chemistry or whatever you want to call it) to merit exploring things further. I don't expect him to know right this minute what he wants, but I also don't want to waste time on him if he knows already that he doesn't want to marry me or wants to wait years and years before marrying. I'm not schlepping back and forth between countries for years and years. Not at my age. Well, not at any age.

The fact that he hasn't called yet probably isn't a big deal, but it annoys me. He knows I'm waiting to hear from him, and yet he's nowhere to be found. If he tries to tell me he didn't call or email because of a communications lockdown, I might punch him. When we first started talking, he was so sweet. He would tell me how he wished he could sleep next to me or how he only got through a difficult situation by thinking of me. And that was less than two months ago. If he's already this over me, that doesn't bode well. Maybe it wasn't such a hot idea to email him. Or maybe it was a good idea, just so I would see that this wasn't meant to be.

Tell Me What You Want

So, the new boy and I are supposed to be gathering our thoughts for a state of the union summit. Basically, we're supposed to figure out whether he should come to visit me (he wants to make sure he's coming for the "right reasons") and to discuss "us." In his words, "I think it's necessary to discuss about us.... there is an 'us,'" but I think he means if there is an us. He said he needed to gather his thoughts, and I figured I need to gather mine as well.

My thoughts remain scattered. I'm not sure if there is an "us." Before last weekend, I would have said unequivocally that there was. Now, I don't know. I guess there is an "us" because we're still interested in each other, but I think he really has to visit and see if there's an "us." I don't know what the right reasons would be for him to come to visit, but I think it's sufficient reason if he wants to see me and I want to see him.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

All right. Fine. So, I was still thinking about the new boy today, and I emailed him the following:

You've been on my mind this week, and I'm unhappy about how we left things. I know you're in a very stressful environment, and, if I'm understanding you correctly, it sounds like you said some things you didn't mean or some things that ended up sounding worse than you meant them to. On my end, I was hurt and confused and didn't take your apology very well.

If you'd still like to meet up for a few days, I think that would be nice.

Take care,
[my name]

If I Never See Your Face Again, I Don't Mind

I'm feeling like a new person today. I got my hair all chopped off, bought plane tickets to Guatemala for November (yes, I realize that is 8 months away, but it still buoys the spirit) and went to an acupuncture/cupping appointment (my back is a giant, glorious bruise). All of these things made me feel like I don't have to be upset about the new boy anymore. I still wish things had worked out differently, but they didn't, and there are good aspects to that like the ability to bugger off on a cool vacation to a random Central American country because I feel like it. Plus, I think getting the haircut and the acupuncture released some of the stored emotion and made me feel good because I was taking care of myself. So, this is the best I've felt in a week, and I hope to hold on to this feeling.

You're All Alone. Can You Really Make It On Your Own? Keep On Moving on a Fast Train.

I was doing pretty well today, but toward the late afternoon and early evening, I really started to miss the new boy.

I wish he hadn't said such mean things to me, but I also wish that things hadn't ended as abruptly as they did. I really don't think he's a bad person even though what he said to me was really fucked up. I don't know. I just miss him. I keep trying in my head to find reasons to email him, and as much as I tell myself to stop doing it, my mind keeps churning anyway. So far, I haven't come up with any reason that isn't laughably pretextual or shamefully desperate-sounding. I also have to admit that shouting at him to contact me with my mind doesn't seem to be yielding any results.

When my mind needs a break from concocting ludicrous scenarios under which I would be allowed to email him, it likes to traitorously contemplate things that inevitably upset me. For example, I wonder if he's thinking about me or if he's already put me behind him. Is he as bummed as I am that things haven't worked out between us? If so, why hasn't he caved in and emailed or called me? Rawr.

You Go Over the Line, Next Thing You're Out of Your Mind and You're Out of Your Depth

I feel like I've talked about the new boy until I've given myself TMJ.

The prevailing consensus among the people to whom I spoke today is that he'll calm down and feel differently in time and that I'm likely to hear from him again. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not, but I can say that my intuition tells me that we're not finished yet. (Then again, my intuition might be getting its signals crossed with what I want to believe.) The other prevailing consensus is that the onus is on him to make amends, which I'm also inclined to agree with even though it isn't what I want to hear.

I miss talking to him. He really acted like a shithead and he deserves to be shunned at the moment, but we had some good conversations. I really looked forward to talking with him. When he talked about stuff that interested him (history, for example), he got so endearingly enthusiastic. It was nice to have him to talk with about things going on in my life as well. I also worry about him -- whether he's safe, whether he's lonely -- and wonder if he misses me.

And You Start Breaking Down and Just Go Into the Sound When You Hear That Fast Train

Now that I've posted all the emails (in poorly redacted form) between the new boy and me, I feel more prepared to talk about them.

I can't discuss them intelligently because I don't understand what happened. I assume that the new boy was taking out something on me that didn't have anything to do with me, which he sort of admitted in his apologetic email. If that's not true, then I just don't know what possessed him to unload on me like that. Nor do I understand why he would claim he still wanted to visit me when he holds me in such low regard.

A friend of mine reviewed the emails between us, and she interpreted my response to his apology as saying that the things he said were unforgivable and that I never wanted to talk to him again. That threw me into a little bit of a tail spin because that was not what I meant to say. Another friend (hi, TSCGirl) said that I obviously wanted him to fight for me, at least a little bit, which sounded more accurate to me.

I spent most of the day wrestling with whether I should email him. No one to whom I mentioned this idea thought it sounded wise. The general consensus was that: (1) the new boy is a giant asshole and (2) anything I could say to him in an email would make me sound like the type of lonely, pathetic, deluded person he accused me of being. The first point is hard to dispute, but the second point is impossible.

My mom had the most interesting theory. She said that his email was a power play, and that I'll hear from him again in a few days when he gets tired of waiting for me to cave in. She also said that I should break every single one of my fingers myself rather than reply to any email he might send. She took particular umbrage at the new boy's suggestion that I am a skank since I am the furthest thing from skanky and since she just has a bee in her bonnet generally about guys leveling such charges at girls, especially girls with whom they themselves have been physically involved. In other words, if I'm a skank then the boy is equally skanky because he was an active participant.

Anyway, I'm not as certain as my mom that the new boy will contact me again. It wouldn't shock me, but it wouldn't surprise me if he didn't either.

When Your Lover Has Gone Away, Don't It Make You Feel Sad?

Him:

Yep, you're right. All of it.

So I guess this is goodbye.

Me:

I'm surprised that's what you decided you wanted. If this is good-bye, then take good care of yourself and get home safely.

You Start Breaking Down 'Cause You're Under Strain and You Jump on a Fast Train

I'll just let these emails between the new boy and me speak for themselves. There are four altogether.

Him:

I know we were going to talk about what was said on the phone, but I ran out of minutes on my calling card. The other thing was there was yet another communications lockout. 4 [redacted] soldiers and 1 dignitary died in a roadside bomb. It was pretty messed up. So needless to say, I have been pretty busy for the last couple of days. Now you're probably wondering what the hell is with me being so busy, yet I have time to add pictures on Facebook? A lot of people knew that I was trigger happy on the pics I was taking and they were bugging me about adding pics to Facebook. When I added them, that's when I got the comms lockout, and the long email I wanted to send you would have to wait. So... here this email.

Everything that I said to you for the month up until now has been the truth. I do want to see you. So to put your mind at ease, that will not change. However.... yes, this is what you're probably wondering.... I have a few things on my mind that I have to get out in the open. I was hoping that we can talk about it when I come visit, but I don't think it can wait. One of the main reasons why I want to come visit is because I want to actually see if this "relationship" we are in is actually going to work. Sure we know a lot of the good things about us, but we didn't have ample opportunity to find out our "real" selves. We only know each other from the week we were getting to know everyone, and of course, that 1 night you and I fooled around. Let's also not forget our countless number of phone calls. But you see, that's all we know about each other. You and I still have to see each other in person, and live together for a few days to really know what we're like. Having that being said, I also don't think it's worth me staying with you for an entire month. I think I was way out of line when I brought that up. So I think a more reasonable and more realistic figure would be a few days, possibly a week at the most.

Secondly, are we in a relationship? One of the main reasons why I didn't accept the "relationship" status on Facebook is because I am not entirely sure myself. You see, this is one of the reasons why I want to see you, to see if this relationship we're in will actually work, or to see if we can actually develop a relationship and if it CAN work. Don't get me wrong, I am being optimistic and I am going in head first with an open mind. So I do hope for the best. But at the same time, since you and I are diving in head first, we also don't know anything about what's going to happen and what the future holds for us. I remember I jumped into a relationship before and it went sour really quickly. Not only that, but I felt like we were stuck. I emphasize that I DO NOT want to go down that road again, that's why I think it is necessary for the both of us to see what we're like first before we can develop a real relationship.

I also see in a lot of your emails that begin with "hey love" and ending with "I miss you". I don't see much harm in that, but at the same time I have to ask... are you implying anything? I have to know because I will be honest, I am not in love with you... yet. (I say "yet" because who knows where it can go, maybe I will love you, or maybe it won't happen. But I can't tell the future, and neither can you. But if it doesn't imply anything, then just disregard this last concern). How much of me do you miss? Honestly, that's a legit question. I miss everyone on the Egypt tour, but I don't miss them in the sense that I am going through withdrawls and I want to see them again. So once again, is that what you were implying? And if that is not what you are implying, then rather than saying you miss me why not say you're looking forward to seeing me again, rather dwelling on the past?

I do want to ask you something though, and this is only coming from my policing and investigative experience. I am not an expert in love or anything like that. Are you by any chance lonely at times? Believe me when I say this, it's very difficult for me to ask you this because it's not the nicest thing to say to someone. But I am only asking because I figure we have to be open with each other if we want to make a relationship work, and some things that we have to be open with may or may not hurt the other, but that's the whole part of being in a relationship. I am asking if you are lonely sometimes because I am factoring in all of the things that I know of you thus far. For example, the last night we were all together getting drunk and having a good time, you saw me hugging all sorts of other people, and I saw the jealousy and defensiveness from you. That night when I walked you back to your room, sure we got a little hot and heavy, but it kind of seemed like you didn't held back.... well a little you did, especially when I was really all over you in your bed. It's a good thing that you cut me off and kicked me out, so for that I give you kudos for, because even I can't believe I did that, LOL! But there are other things too, such as whenever I call you, you're extremely happy to hear from me, but from your emails you're also pretty anxious to hear from me too. Being happy and anxious is always a good things, but like I said... it's just another factor, that's all. You also told me that you don't usually sleep with strangers, but now you're talking about wearing some sexy lingerie and having some romantic nights... and your huge rack. LOL I know, even I like that sort of stuff too. Also, I remember you sent me an email about your tour to Ecuador. I think it's pretty cool that you're going there, but I found it kind of odd that you were giving me info on it and telling me there are still some spots open. Were you really considering that I should come? You have also been talking a lot about me to your mother, and sure your mother is your best friend like you mentioned. I see you have also been talking to other people from the group tour about us as well. I'm just curious as to what was said? It just seems like you're expecting more out of this than what it shows right now. And maybe from what I gather, you're making it seem like it is a lot more than what it is. I'll give you another example, and this is something that has been lurking over me the last couple of days. I remember when we last talked you got really upset that I declared we're not in a relationship right now and we shouldn't talk about marriage, and we should take one step at a time. I mean to me it is fairly obvious that this is the best way to go, really slow down, wait until I come visit you, see what we're like in person, and carry on from there. It seems like from you, as I am reading you, you're ready to either drop your career and move up to live with me in [redacted], or considering whether I should drop my career and live with you, so that we can get married, have children, and live happily ever after. First of all, I am NOWHERE NEAR ready to take the plunge and tie the knot. I am NOT EVEN CLOSE to being ready to be a dad. At first I thought we were joking around, but then it seemed like you were serious. Reed, listen to yourself! I cannot be serious right now about a serious relationship and possibly marriage, and neither should you. I have lived all of my life to be a police officer and now I finally am one. And you have spent countless number of hours, all nighters, and spent a ridiculous amount of money to get through university and law school just to be a lawyer. I DO NOT expect you to drop your career over some guy you have met on a vacation who lives in [redacted]. So my original question... do you feel lonely at times? I am only asking because from my experience in policing, these are some factors that add up to what we would consider lonely people. DO NOT GET ME WRONG! It does NOT make you an awful person. You're still the same [my name] who I am excited to come visit and get to know more of. But many lonley people develop these dreams and/or fantasies in their minds and think that everything will fall into place. So they usually cut out all of the steps, and leap right into what we call the final chapter so they can experience their ultimate happiness. However, to some people like myself, taking a nose dive into the final chapter without reading the whole book can get a little scary. It just shows on the big picture that someone may have lived a very lonely life, wasn't very popular with the crowd, and spent so much time living alone. I think it's bullshit! Nobody should ever feel that way. And lonely people do have the right to be happy all the time, and they deserve to be happy. But unfortunately they may have experienced pain in their lives that caused them to be lonely, alone from the real world, and they see everything and everyone else advancing while they feel they are stuck behind... when really, they're not. So to fix this problem, most lonely people escape this awful illusion of their world by thinking the end-all be-all happiness they have always dreamed of, and they want to skip everything for the final chapter to experience this happiness, which they have been striving for. FINALLY, my happiness is here! This is what it is like to be happy! I want it so bad that I can't wait for the end! But.... the problem is, as soon as lonely people find out one flaw in their trek to happiness, then it's like the domino effect. One bad thing leads to another, and another, and another, and then their whole world comes crashing down. They blow things out of proportion, make one small flaw like it is the end of the world, and it could lead to another enormous factors such as laziness, addiction, and even quite possibly suicide. I hope to god that that is not what you're thinking. But I still have to ask you... do you feel lonely?

Perhaps the paragraph above sounds very cruel, so for that I apologize, but it had to be said. This email is a really tough thing for me to send, and hurting you is the absolute last thing that I want to do to you. But anyways, I think I have written enough for now and I will wait for your response.

Me:

Hey, [his name],

Thanks for getting back to me. I'm sorry to hear about the deaths that caused a communications lockdown. I hope none of the people involved were your friends, and I'm glad you're all right.

Your email hurt me. I don't know how else to put that. Since our last night together in Egypt, I felt like you really liked me and wanted something serious to happen between us, and now I feel like you're pushing me away and finding reasons to pick this apart.

From my point of view, we were in a relationship. I wouldn't go so far as to say we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but I felt that there was some level of involvement there beyond just friendship. For example, a guy I used to date in [my old city] called me for my birthday to follow up on a plan we talked about before I went to Egypt for him to visit me, and I didn't return his call because I didn't want to jeopardize things with you by having him come up here to stay with me. It doesn't mean I thought you and I were going to get married, just that I felt I should be respectful of your feelings in a way that went beyond how I would treat a regular male friend.

I'm not in love with you either though I care for you very much. You've called me "baby" or "darling;" I've called you "love." It's just a term of endearment, not meant to imply anything other than affection. As for saying I miss you, I don't know what more I can tell you about that beyond the lengthy conversation we had about it a week or so ago. I miss you in a different way than I miss other people from the tour because you and I have talked a lot more than I have talked to almost anyone else from the tour (with the exception of [a girl on our tour with whom I've remained very close friends]), and our relationship (and I don't mean anything by that term) had become richer and more important to me. You told me it made you feel good to hear that I miss you and care about you, and now it sounds like it just makes you feel trapped and annoyed. I don't understand that at all.

As for all the stuff about lonely people...I don't know what to say about that at all except that it was needlessly hurtful and entirely incorrect. Everyone gets lonely from time to time, but I don't see myself in the description you gave of someone who sounds pathetic and deluded. I know all too well that meeting someone and falling in love, even with the right person, is not the solution to all life's problems or maybe even to any of life's problems. For the most part, my life is as busy as I want it to be with work, friends, volunteering and my family, and while I would like to meet the right person, I don't feel like there is anything missing because I haven't yet.

As for the way I've acted, we've talked several times about when I snipped at you the last night of the tour for being affectionate with [a pretty girl on our tour]. I told you that I was joking. If you don't accept that, I don't know what else to tell you. It also sounds like you want me to feel bad for saying that I would have sex with you if you came to visit or for letting you stay in my room (briefly) on the last night of the tour, and I don't know where you're coming from at all with that. I don't have sex with strangers, but I don't consider you a stranger, and I didn't think you considered yourself to be one to me either. I admit that I have thought about what the future might look like for us if this were to turn into something serious and long-lasting in terms of who would move where and things like that, but it's my nature to plan in advance and I wanted at least to consider those issues before getting involved with someone who lives in a different country. I thought you were thinking about those things too, as well as the possibility of a more serious future including marriage and kids (not that you were planning for it -- just that you hadn't ruled it out), and to the extent that I mistook your joking for being serious, I misunderstood. I sent you the information on my Ecuador trip because I thought you were bummed that I would be gone during time we could have spent together, and I told you I would send you the information so you could come with me if you wanted to. I guess you don't want to, which is your prerogative, but I thought that if you wanted to spend that time with me, you could. As for what I've said to our mutual friends about you...I told them that I thought you were amazing and a great guy, that I felt lucky and happy.

You told me that I was everything you were looking for and asked me not to break your heart. Now you're telling me something that sounds entirely different and far less flattering. Like I said, it feels like you're trying to push me away. It sounds like you want me to be the one to say we should stop wasting each other's time and go our separate ways, so I will. I'm sorry it didn't work out differently, and I wish I understood what happened.

Him:

Well, don't I feel like the jackass. The last thing that I wanted to do was hurt you, but I guess I clearly went way overboard on my last email that it did hurt you afterall. And I also sense that maybe you don't think I am this amazing guy anymore that you have been describing me as. Today I read over what I wrote to you and even my eyes were bulging out, and I said to myself... eek, I think I may have been a little too harsh.

You have no idea how sorry I am for the way I sounded. I really do feel like a jackass for saying all those things. Maybe my mind wasn't in the right place. With these 4 soldiers that died, thank god I didn't know any of them. Even that sounds bad because I should still feel some sympathy, but I usually feel less for those who I do not know. I think it's pretty common with most people. But I did lose a couple of friends on this tour in [redacted]. That kind of hit home for me. Another thing is I am a little homesick. I haven't been home since September, and I have been a horrible wreck since because I am stuck in this war-torn country. A real shit hole. It was very relaxing for me to be on vacation in Egypt, and it put my mind at ease too, but then when I went back to the meatgrinder, my morale plummeted down to rock bottom. That's when I found out a couple of my friends died. I am sorry I didn't tell you about them, but I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news and make YOU feel like crap......... lol too late, I guess I did that with my last email.

I don't want to push you away, and I certainly do not want you to push me away either. It is true, I have been thinking a lot about you and I really really want to see you. More than anything else in the world. I am such an idiot.

I'm sorry.

Me:

You acted like a jackass, so it's right that you should feel like one.

Again, I'm sorry about the soldiers who died. I'm even sorrier to hear that you lost some friends in [redacted]. I wish you had talked to me about it, but I understand why you didn't. I won't pretend that I understand what it's like to work in an environment where people actually die doing their jobs or what it's like to worry that you might be one of them, but I can only imagine how horrible and stressful that must be because I have been worrying about your safety being over there as I would for anyone I knew in the service (if I knew anyone other than you in the service, which I don't). That said, it's not okay for you to take out whatever you're feeling about that on me.

I really don't understand what you want from me or from this situation. I was content to leave things where they ended in Egypt, but you wanted to keep in touch and see each other again. I was open-minded to that, obviously, and I was happier and happier about it as we talked. It felt really good to get to know you and to hear you say things like all the reasons you thought we were a good match and that I'm everything you're looking for in a woman. I really did think you were an amazing guy, and I'm sure I got a little starry-eyed whenever I talked about you, especially to people who know the both of us. But you're right in thinking that I'm re-evaluating that opinion. I felt that your email this morning basically called me lonely, pathetic and deluded and, at one point, it sort of sounded like you were calling me a skank. That hurt. A lot. I couldn't (and still can't) reconcile the person who said those horrible things to me with the person who, less than a month before, was saying such kind, wonderful things to me and who just now said that he wants to see me more than anything. That's why I felt that you were trying to sabotage this situation, and I really don't understand why you would do that, but I don't want to deal with mixed signals, which is what I was trying to say in response to the phone conversation we had on Tuesday.

What is it that you want from me? You don't have to answer right away. You can spend some time thinking about it if you want to, or you don't have to answer at all. But you've said a lot of stuff to me that hurt me, and as much as I truly appreciate your apology, it can't be unsaid, and I'm not sure whether it's a good idea to spend any more of my time on this. Again, thanks for your apology.

Well You've Been on a Fast Train and It's Going Off the Rails and You Can't Come Back

Still nothing from the new boy. I can't even really call him my new boy at this point, given his radio silence. I'm trying not to get myself too upset about it, especially around other people, since my meltdown around my birthday ended up being the fault of a communications lockdown rather than a lack of interest on his part. But since he moved to a less war-ravaged country, he told me communications lockdowns would be less likely and the timing is fishy.

It hurts that he hasn't gotten in touch. We didn't even really have a fight, but my understanding was that he would be in touch yesterday. Where he is, it's already tomorrow, and I haven't heard a peep. Not even an email to say, "I'm busy, but I'll talk to you later." When we wound up our conversation on Tuesday, he sounded like he was still invested in the relationship, so I don't know what his game is at this point.

The bigger issue is what's going on with me. My mom and one of my best friends separately told me they were worried about the emotional rollercoaster I've been on with this guy, vacillating between ecstatic and miserable. They're not wrong. When things are good with the new boy, I'm elated. When things are bad or murky like they are now, I feel a physical ache in my chest. I'm not sure I'm cut out for these kinds of highs and lows. I'm prone to highs and lows as it is, and this just makes it worse, and I'm not sure that's the healthiest thing for me.

My friend asked me why I'm letting my emotions be so tied up with what's going on with this guy I haven't known very long. It's a fair question. A big part of it is that I genuinely feel a connection with this man. We have good conversations, we enjoy each other, we're attracted to each other, and I think we are a good match and a good fit. Another part is that it's been so long since someone was interested in me that I don't want to let this slip away. It feels good to be liked and to like someone in return, and the last time I felt that was so long ago that I barely remember it. But does this man really respect my feelings? Blowing me off when I need reassurance the most suggests he does not. Can I deal with this? If he calls, do I even want to talk to him? Or is it better to end it now?

The only thing I know for sure at this point is that it is some seriously unfair bullshit that he was the one pursuing me, and I'm ending up the one who gets her heart broken behind this mess.

Deep Inside Your Heart You Really Know How It Feels and You Start Breaking Down and Go Into the Pain -- Keep On Moving on a Fast Train

Things aren't going so well with my new boy and me right now. We had a disagreement on the phone yesterday.

The way I saw things, we'd been talking about some pretty serious stuff -- marriage, kids, the future. The way he saw it, we were just making conversation. Now, I understand that it's unrealistic and maybe even unhealthy to expect someone to consider marriage at this juncture in a relationship. I don't blame him for that. But he said he's not even ready for a serious relationship, and when he said that, it just broke my heart. Because if he's not ready to be serious, then what are we doing here? I'm not saying he even has to commit to being in a serious relationship with me now, just that he has to be open to the idea at least.

I don't know what he intended to convey, but I felt that he was sending me mixed signals. I am sensitive as hell to that because I get mixed signals from every guy I ever like. I just thought this one was different. He wants me to trust him, but sending mixed signals is the exact way to make me not trust him. There is, in fact, no better way to decimate my trust. Between that and the fact that he keeps trying to coax me into having phone sex with him, I'm wondering if he's just coming here for some kind of protracted booty call. I'm not down for that. If he wants ass, there are easier pieces out there than me, and he's a good-looking guy, so I'm sure he would have no trouble finding one of them.

I got really quiet on the phone when he started saying this shit, and he kept asking me to talk to him, but I didn't want to say anything I didn't mean out of anger. His phone card started to run out of minutes (I guess icy silence will eat up those minutes), so he suggested we take last night to relax and collect our thoughts. That was a good idea because I didn't even know how to articulate what bothered me about the way he was acting until we were off the phone, and I realized it was the mixed signals.

I didn't dwell on it as much as I normally would last night (i.e., it ruined only fifty percent of my evening instead of the entire thing, which is progress of a sort). Today, I sent him this email:

Hey [new boy],

I took some time to think and collect my thoughts like we talked about, which was a good idea, and I realized what upset me about our conversation.

I agree that it's too early to discuss the future seriously, and I don't expect you to give me any guarantees about what will happen down the road because I can't give you any either. You're also absolutely right in saying that if you come to visit, we might drive each other crazy or figure out that we're poorly suited to each other or better off as friends. But the way that you've acted and the things that you've said previously made me think that you could see, at least potentially, a real future for us down the road. Yesterday, when you were saying you weren't ready for a serious relationship, I didn't feel that you felt that way, and it confused and upset me. I felt like you were giving me mixed signals, and that has happened to me a lot in the past, and I don't like it. If you come to visit me, I don't expect any promises, but I do expect you at least to be open to the possibility that this could turn into something serious.

I'd really like to talk about this by phone if you have any minutes left. If not, I guess email is okay.

He hasn't replied yet. I'm hurt because we had this little tiff, and I thought he would email me today or call me to follow up, and he's nowhere to be found. It makes me so sad, but maybe this just isn't going to work out.

Feel Like Makin' Love

My new boy and I have been talking more about what's going to happen, physically speaking, when he comes to visit. It's not that I don't want to sleep with him, but I'm nervous about disappointing him with my inexperience and awkwardness. He asked me today when the last time was that I had sex, and I said, "None of your business," but the real answer is more like, "When dinosaurs roamed the earth." I just hope this doesn't go horribly.

It's a Love Story, Baby, Just Say Yes

My new boy called me today. It was so nice to hear his voice, and he was being really sweet on the phone. He couldn't believe that I would think he would just blow me off. I explained testily that I don't know anything about the military or their stupid communication lockdowns, so I could not reasonably be expected to use my special magic powers to deduce that he wanted to talk to me but couldn't. He also let it slip that he's in love with me, but I didn't call his attention to it. I just tucked it away to smile about later.

She's Seduced by the Sunsets and Her New Life at Hand

I finally heard from my new boy by email. The stupid military had him on communication lockdown because some unspecified shit went down, so he was out of touch. He apologized for being out of touch and conceded that he should have mentioned that stuff like that happens. I was like, "Um, yes, you should have. Ideally before I spent three days in tears thinking you didn't want anything to do with me anymore." But I'm relieved that he's safe and that we're still on track.

From the Halls of Montezuma to the Shores of Tripoli

I talked to my BFF today about the situation with my new boy and his mysterious absence. Her cousin is in the military also, and she told me that he has to disappear for lengths of time on a moment's notice without being able to get in touch with anyone to do maneuvers or missions. In her view, it made a lot more sense to conclude that my new boy was called away on something like that than that his feelings toward me reversed polarity overnight.

I hope my BFF is right. I really care about this man. This time that we've been apart, thinking he didn't care about me anymore, makes my chest ache. I feel like part of me is missing. It's my birthday, and all I want is to be with him. I just hope he's okay.

The Girl She Was in New England is Different Now and Dead

So, I think things have already bottomed out with my new boy and damned if I can figure out what happened.

The last time I heard from him was his note to me on Tuesday morning about which I posted. Thursday was his birthday, and I sent him a couple of emails, but I received no response. I thought for sure that he would call me on his birthday so we could talk, but he didn't. I thought he would call me last night too, but he didn't call me then either. He was on Facebook at least for brief periods on Wednesday and Thursday nights, which is the real reason I'm upset. He was online, and he chose not to spend any of that time corresponding with me.

Yesterday morning, I sent him an email basically just doing a pulse check and reminding him that it's my birthday tomorrow and saying that I hoped to hear from him soon. Then I spent the entire day in my office with the door shut crying.

I don't understand what's going on here. Monday, he was lobbying to move in with me for a month. Tuesday, he told me he was thinking about me. Then, he drops off the face of the earth. Did he get freaked out about how fast things were moving, even though he was the one pushing them along? Did something happen to him? Did he suddenly realize that I'm not worth it? I'm torn between worrying about him and wanting to burn down his house.

In This World of Loneliness, I See Your Face

My new boy emailed me last night just to tell me he was thinking about me.

Movin' On In to a Deluxe Apartment in the Sky

I had a great weekend with my mom down south. Unfortunately, I was stuck in the airport overnight and all day yesterday trying to get home due to a major snowstorm.

On the positive side, I talked on the phone to my new boy at the airport, and I feel more convinced than ever that this could be something serious. He wants to stay with me for an entire month when he's on vacation. I guess it's like a practice run of living together.

It feels like things are moving quickly, but I'm happy about it. In all practicality, with the two of us living in different countries, it makes sense to give it a real, full-on shot instead of dinky-dorking around with a weekend here and there. If it works, we'll know right away and can figure out the logistics of how to be together in the long term. If it doesn't, at least we'll know before we waste any more of each other's time and, I hope, we can down shift to being friends. But I think this man could be the one. We're a good match, and I feel like he gets me and I get him. I'm excited to see what happens.