Deep Inside Your Heart You Really Know How It Feels and You Start Breaking Down and Go Into the Pain -- Keep On Moving on a Fast Train

Things aren't going so well with my new boy and me right now. We had a disagreement on the phone yesterday.

The way I saw things, we'd been talking about some pretty serious stuff -- marriage, kids, the future. The way he saw it, we were just making conversation. Now, I understand that it's unrealistic and maybe even unhealthy to expect someone to consider marriage at this juncture in a relationship. I don't blame him for that. But he said he's not even ready for a serious relationship, and when he said that, it just broke my heart. Because if he's not ready to be serious, then what are we doing here? I'm not saying he even has to commit to being in a serious relationship with me now, just that he has to be open to the idea at least.

I don't know what he intended to convey, but I felt that he was sending me mixed signals. I am sensitive as hell to that because I get mixed signals from every guy I ever like. I just thought this one was different. He wants me to trust him, but sending mixed signals is the exact way to make me not trust him. There is, in fact, no better way to decimate my trust. Between that and the fact that he keeps trying to coax me into having phone sex with him, I'm wondering if he's just coming here for some kind of protracted booty call. I'm not down for that. If he wants ass, there are easier pieces out there than me, and he's a good-looking guy, so I'm sure he would have no trouble finding one of them.

I got really quiet on the phone when he started saying this shit, and he kept asking me to talk to him, but I didn't want to say anything I didn't mean out of anger. His phone card started to run out of minutes (I guess icy silence will eat up those minutes), so he suggested we take last night to relax and collect our thoughts. That was a good idea because I didn't even know how to articulate what bothered me about the way he was acting until we were off the phone, and I realized it was the mixed signals.

I didn't dwell on it as much as I normally would last night (i.e., it ruined only fifty percent of my evening instead of the entire thing, which is progress of a sort). Today, I sent him this email:

Hey [new boy],

I took some time to think and collect my thoughts like we talked about, which was a good idea, and I realized what upset me about our conversation.

I agree that it's too early to discuss the future seriously, and I don't expect you to give me any guarantees about what will happen down the road because I can't give you any either. You're also absolutely right in saying that if you come to visit, we might drive each other crazy or figure out that we're poorly suited to each other or better off as friends. But the way that you've acted and the things that you've said previously made me think that you could see, at least potentially, a real future for us down the road. Yesterday, when you were saying you weren't ready for a serious relationship, I didn't feel that you felt that way, and it confused and upset me. I felt like you were giving me mixed signals, and that has happened to me a lot in the past, and I don't like it. If you come to visit me, I don't expect any promises, but I do expect you at least to be open to the possibility that this could turn into something serious.

I'd really like to talk about this by phone if you have any minutes left. If not, I guess email is okay.

He hasn't replied yet. I'm hurt because we had this little tiff, and I thought he would email me today or call me to follow up, and he's nowhere to be found. It makes me so sad, but maybe this just isn't going to work out.