You Start Breaking Down 'Cause You're Under Strain and You Jump on a Fast Train

I'll just let these emails between the new boy and me speak for themselves. There are four altogether.

Him:

I know we were going to talk about what was said on the phone, but I ran out of minutes on my calling card. The other thing was there was yet another communications lockout. 4 [redacted] soldiers and 1 dignitary died in a roadside bomb. It was pretty messed up. So needless to say, I have been pretty busy for the last couple of days. Now you're probably wondering what the hell is with me being so busy, yet I have time to add pictures on Facebook? A lot of people knew that I was trigger happy on the pics I was taking and they were bugging me about adding pics to Facebook. When I added them, that's when I got the comms lockout, and the long email I wanted to send you would have to wait. So... here this email.

Everything that I said to you for the month up until now has been the truth. I do want to see you. So to put your mind at ease, that will not change. However.... yes, this is what you're probably wondering.... I have a few things on my mind that I have to get out in the open. I was hoping that we can talk about it when I come visit, but I don't think it can wait. One of the main reasons why I want to come visit is because I want to actually see if this "relationship" we are in is actually going to work. Sure we know a lot of the good things about us, but we didn't have ample opportunity to find out our "real" selves. We only know each other from the week we were getting to know everyone, and of course, that 1 night you and I fooled around. Let's also not forget our countless number of phone calls. But you see, that's all we know about each other. You and I still have to see each other in person, and live together for a few days to really know what we're like. Having that being said, I also don't think it's worth me staying with you for an entire month. I think I was way out of line when I brought that up. So I think a more reasonable and more realistic figure would be a few days, possibly a week at the most.

Secondly, are we in a relationship? One of the main reasons why I didn't accept the "relationship" status on Facebook is because I am not entirely sure myself. You see, this is one of the reasons why I want to see you, to see if this relationship we're in will actually work, or to see if we can actually develop a relationship and if it CAN work. Don't get me wrong, I am being optimistic and I am going in head first with an open mind. So I do hope for the best. But at the same time, since you and I are diving in head first, we also don't know anything about what's going to happen and what the future holds for us. I remember I jumped into a relationship before and it went sour really quickly. Not only that, but I felt like we were stuck. I emphasize that I DO NOT want to go down that road again, that's why I think it is necessary for the both of us to see what we're like first before we can develop a real relationship.

I also see in a lot of your emails that begin with "hey love" and ending with "I miss you". I don't see much harm in that, but at the same time I have to ask... are you implying anything? I have to know because I will be honest, I am not in love with you... yet. (I say "yet" because who knows where it can go, maybe I will love you, or maybe it won't happen. But I can't tell the future, and neither can you. But if it doesn't imply anything, then just disregard this last concern). How much of me do you miss? Honestly, that's a legit question. I miss everyone on the Egypt tour, but I don't miss them in the sense that I am going through withdrawls and I want to see them again. So once again, is that what you were implying? And if that is not what you are implying, then rather than saying you miss me why not say you're looking forward to seeing me again, rather dwelling on the past?

I do want to ask you something though, and this is only coming from my policing and investigative experience. I am not an expert in love or anything like that. Are you by any chance lonely at times? Believe me when I say this, it's very difficult for me to ask you this because it's not the nicest thing to say to someone. But I am only asking because I figure we have to be open with each other if we want to make a relationship work, and some things that we have to be open with may or may not hurt the other, but that's the whole part of being in a relationship. I am asking if you are lonely sometimes because I am factoring in all of the things that I know of you thus far. For example, the last night we were all together getting drunk and having a good time, you saw me hugging all sorts of other people, and I saw the jealousy and defensiveness from you. That night when I walked you back to your room, sure we got a little hot and heavy, but it kind of seemed like you didn't held back.... well a little you did, especially when I was really all over you in your bed. It's a good thing that you cut me off and kicked me out, so for that I give you kudos for, because even I can't believe I did that, LOL! But there are other things too, such as whenever I call you, you're extremely happy to hear from me, but from your emails you're also pretty anxious to hear from me too. Being happy and anxious is always a good things, but like I said... it's just another factor, that's all. You also told me that you don't usually sleep with strangers, but now you're talking about wearing some sexy lingerie and having some romantic nights... and your huge rack. LOL I know, even I like that sort of stuff too. Also, I remember you sent me an email about your tour to Ecuador. I think it's pretty cool that you're going there, but I found it kind of odd that you were giving me info on it and telling me there are still some spots open. Were you really considering that I should come? You have also been talking a lot about me to your mother, and sure your mother is your best friend like you mentioned. I see you have also been talking to other people from the group tour about us as well. I'm just curious as to what was said? It just seems like you're expecting more out of this than what it shows right now. And maybe from what I gather, you're making it seem like it is a lot more than what it is. I'll give you another example, and this is something that has been lurking over me the last couple of days. I remember when we last talked you got really upset that I declared we're not in a relationship right now and we shouldn't talk about marriage, and we should take one step at a time. I mean to me it is fairly obvious that this is the best way to go, really slow down, wait until I come visit you, see what we're like in person, and carry on from there. It seems like from you, as I am reading you, you're ready to either drop your career and move up to live with me in [redacted], or considering whether I should drop my career and live with you, so that we can get married, have children, and live happily ever after. First of all, I am NOWHERE NEAR ready to take the plunge and tie the knot. I am NOT EVEN CLOSE to being ready to be a dad. At first I thought we were joking around, but then it seemed like you were serious. Reed, listen to yourself! I cannot be serious right now about a serious relationship and possibly marriage, and neither should you. I have lived all of my life to be a police officer and now I finally am one. And you have spent countless number of hours, all nighters, and spent a ridiculous amount of money to get through university and law school just to be a lawyer. I DO NOT expect you to drop your career over some guy you have met on a vacation who lives in [redacted]. So my original question... do you feel lonely at times? I am only asking because from my experience in policing, these are some factors that add up to what we would consider lonely people. DO NOT GET ME WRONG! It does NOT make you an awful person. You're still the same [my name] who I am excited to come visit and get to know more of. But many lonley people develop these dreams and/or fantasies in their minds and think that everything will fall into place. So they usually cut out all of the steps, and leap right into what we call the final chapter so they can experience their ultimate happiness. However, to some people like myself, taking a nose dive into the final chapter without reading the whole book can get a little scary. It just shows on the big picture that someone may have lived a very lonely life, wasn't very popular with the crowd, and spent so much time living alone. I think it's bullshit! Nobody should ever feel that way. And lonely people do have the right to be happy all the time, and they deserve to be happy. But unfortunately they may have experienced pain in their lives that caused them to be lonely, alone from the real world, and they see everything and everyone else advancing while they feel they are stuck behind... when really, they're not. So to fix this problem, most lonely people escape this awful illusion of their world by thinking the end-all be-all happiness they have always dreamed of, and they want to skip everything for the final chapter to experience this happiness, which they have been striving for. FINALLY, my happiness is here! This is what it is like to be happy! I want it so bad that I can't wait for the end! But.... the problem is, as soon as lonely people find out one flaw in their trek to happiness, then it's like the domino effect. One bad thing leads to another, and another, and another, and then their whole world comes crashing down. They blow things out of proportion, make one small flaw like it is the end of the world, and it could lead to another enormous factors such as laziness, addiction, and even quite possibly suicide. I hope to god that that is not what you're thinking. But I still have to ask you... do you feel lonely?

Perhaps the paragraph above sounds very cruel, so for that I apologize, but it had to be said. This email is a really tough thing for me to send, and hurting you is the absolute last thing that I want to do to you. But anyways, I think I have written enough for now and I will wait for your response.

Me:

Hey, [his name],

Thanks for getting back to me. I'm sorry to hear about the deaths that caused a communications lockdown. I hope none of the people involved were your friends, and I'm glad you're all right.

Your email hurt me. I don't know how else to put that. Since our last night together in Egypt, I felt like you really liked me and wanted something serious to happen between us, and now I feel like you're pushing me away and finding reasons to pick this apart.

From my point of view, we were in a relationship. I wouldn't go so far as to say we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but I felt that there was some level of involvement there beyond just friendship. For example, a guy I used to date in [my old city] called me for my birthday to follow up on a plan we talked about before I went to Egypt for him to visit me, and I didn't return his call because I didn't want to jeopardize things with you by having him come up here to stay with me. It doesn't mean I thought you and I were going to get married, just that I felt I should be respectful of your feelings in a way that went beyond how I would treat a regular male friend.

I'm not in love with you either though I care for you very much. You've called me "baby" or "darling;" I've called you "love." It's just a term of endearment, not meant to imply anything other than affection. As for saying I miss you, I don't know what more I can tell you about that beyond the lengthy conversation we had about it a week or so ago. I miss you in a different way than I miss other people from the tour because you and I have talked a lot more than I have talked to almost anyone else from the tour (with the exception of [a girl on our tour with whom I've remained very close friends]), and our relationship (and I don't mean anything by that term) had become richer and more important to me. You told me it made you feel good to hear that I miss you and care about you, and now it sounds like it just makes you feel trapped and annoyed. I don't understand that at all.

As for all the stuff about lonely people...I don't know what to say about that at all except that it was needlessly hurtful and entirely incorrect. Everyone gets lonely from time to time, but I don't see myself in the description you gave of someone who sounds pathetic and deluded. I know all too well that meeting someone and falling in love, even with the right person, is not the solution to all life's problems or maybe even to any of life's problems. For the most part, my life is as busy as I want it to be with work, friends, volunteering and my family, and while I would like to meet the right person, I don't feel like there is anything missing because I haven't yet.

As for the way I've acted, we've talked several times about when I snipped at you the last night of the tour for being affectionate with [a pretty girl on our tour]. I told you that I was joking. If you don't accept that, I don't know what else to tell you. It also sounds like you want me to feel bad for saying that I would have sex with you if you came to visit or for letting you stay in my room (briefly) on the last night of the tour, and I don't know where you're coming from at all with that. I don't have sex with strangers, but I don't consider you a stranger, and I didn't think you considered yourself to be one to me either. I admit that I have thought about what the future might look like for us if this were to turn into something serious and long-lasting in terms of who would move where and things like that, but it's my nature to plan in advance and I wanted at least to consider those issues before getting involved with someone who lives in a different country. I thought you were thinking about those things too, as well as the possibility of a more serious future including marriage and kids (not that you were planning for it -- just that you hadn't ruled it out), and to the extent that I mistook your joking for being serious, I misunderstood. I sent you the information on my Ecuador trip because I thought you were bummed that I would be gone during time we could have spent together, and I told you I would send you the information so you could come with me if you wanted to. I guess you don't want to, which is your prerogative, but I thought that if you wanted to spend that time with me, you could. As for what I've said to our mutual friends about you...I told them that I thought you were amazing and a great guy, that I felt lucky and happy.

You told me that I was everything you were looking for and asked me not to break your heart. Now you're telling me something that sounds entirely different and far less flattering. Like I said, it feels like you're trying to push me away. It sounds like you want me to be the one to say we should stop wasting each other's time and go our separate ways, so I will. I'm sorry it didn't work out differently, and I wish I understood what happened.

Him:

Well, don't I feel like the jackass. The last thing that I wanted to do was hurt you, but I guess I clearly went way overboard on my last email that it did hurt you afterall. And I also sense that maybe you don't think I am this amazing guy anymore that you have been describing me as. Today I read over what I wrote to you and even my eyes were bulging out, and I said to myself... eek, I think I may have been a little too harsh.

You have no idea how sorry I am for the way I sounded. I really do feel like a jackass for saying all those things. Maybe my mind wasn't in the right place. With these 4 soldiers that died, thank god I didn't know any of them. Even that sounds bad because I should still feel some sympathy, but I usually feel less for those who I do not know. I think it's pretty common with most people. But I did lose a couple of friends on this tour in [redacted]. That kind of hit home for me. Another thing is I am a little homesick. I haven't been home since September, and I have been a horrible wreck since because I am stuck in this war-torn country. A real shit hole. It was very relaxing for me to be on vacation in Egypt, and it put my mind at ease too, but then when I went back to the meatgrinder, my morale plummeted down to rock bottom. That's when I found out a couple of my friends died. I am sorry I didn't tell you about them, but I didn't want to be the bearer of bad news and make YOU feel like crap......... lol too late, I guess I did that with my last email.

I don't want to push you away, and I certainly do not want you to push me away either. It is true, I have been thinking a lot about you and I really really want to see you. More than anything else in the world. I am such an idiot.

I'm sorry.

Me:

You acted like a jackass, so it's right that you should feel like one.

Again, I'm sorry about the soldiers who died. I'm even sorrier to hear that you lost some friends in [redacted]. I wish you had talked to me about it, but I understand why you didn't. I won't pretend that I understand what it's like to work in an environment where people actually die doing their jobs or what it's like to worry that you might be one of them, but I can only imagine how horrible and stressful that must be because I have been worrying about your safety being over there as I would for anyone I knew in the service (if I knew anyone other than you in the service, which I don't). That said, it's not okay for you to take out whatever you're feeling about that on me.

I really don't understand what you want from me or from this situation. I was content to leave things where they ended in Egypt, but you wanted to keep in touch and see each other again. I was open-minded to that, obviously, and I was happier and happier about it as we talked. It felt really good to get to know you and to hear you say things like all the reasons you thought we were a good match and that I'm everything you're looking for in a woman. I really did think you were an amazing guy, and I'm sure I got a little starry-eyed whenever I talked about you, especially to people who know the both of us. But you're right in thinking that I'm re-evaluating that opinion. I felt that your email this morning basically called me lonely, pathetic and deluded and, at one point, it sort of sounded like you were calling me a skank. That hurt. A lot. I couldn't (and still can't) reconcile the person who said those horrible things to me with the person who, less than a month before, was saying such kind, wonderful things to me and who just now said that he wants to see me more than anything. That's why I felt that you were trying to sabotage this situation, and I really don't understand why you would do that, but I don't want to deal with mixed signals, which is what I was trying to say in response to the phone conversation we had on Tuesday.

What is it that you want from me? You don't have to answer right away. You can spend some time thinking about it if you want to, or you don't have to answer at all. But you've said a lot of stuff to me that hurt me, and as much as I truly appreciate your apology, it can't be unsaid, and I'm not sure whether it's a good idea to spend any more of my time on this. Again, thanks for your apology.