Deep Down in Your Heart, Do You Really Know How You Feel?

The new boy must have some mind-blowing thoughts because he's still off gathering them. I haven't heard boo from him in two days. I am uncharitably suspecting that he is either blowing me off or reasserting his dominance by making me wait on him after I reached out to him to try to repair the breach between us.

It might have been a mistake to email him. Well, it might have been and it wasn't. It might have been a mistake to think it was a good idea to reconcile. But it wasn't a bad idea to email him because I don't feel sad about the way things ended between us anymore. I no longer feel like maybe I should have tried harder.

I wanted to use this thought-gathering time to figure out what I want, and I think I finally got there. I want the same thing I always wanted from him. I want him to come here to visit me, I want it to go well, I want us to be together, and I want us to live happily ever after. The issue I'm having isn't with what I want, it's with how possible I think that outcome is. Before we had this fight, my feelings for him were bright and uncomplicated. Now, I have feelings for him in spite of myself, and, if we did get together, I would have to mount a campaign to exonerate him in the minds of the friends and relatives who think I'm better off never speaking to him again. I'm not sure those people are wrong, which is part of the problem. The trust that was once there is compromised, or perhaps gone entirely, and I don't know how he can earn it back or if he even cares to try. It doesn't bode well for our future together if I immediately conclude the worst when I don't hear from him for a few days. It doesn't really matter whether my conclusions are true or not, what matters is that my first reaction is that he's lying to me or jerking me around.

This morning, I questioned whether I should even answer the phone if he calls or respond if he emails. Now I think that I should. First, it's a dick move to reach out to him and then blow him off if he responds to my overtures. Second, it will take time for him to regain my trust, but I think he's a good man at heart and worth giving the chance. I can't expect that I will instantly feel a regeneration of the trust and the affection that I felt for him such a short time ago, but it might come in time. I think I owe it to myself to find out if it can. Assuming he ever gets back to me.