Well You've Been on a Fast Train and It's Going Off the Rails and You Can't Come Back

Still nothing from the new boy. I can't even really call him my new boy at this point, given his radio silence. I'm trying not to get myself too upset about it, especially around other people, since my meltdown around my birthday ended up being the fault of a communications lockdown rather than a lack of interest on his part. But since he moved to a less war-ravaged country, he told me communications lockdowns would be less likely and the timing is fishy.

It hurts that he hasn't gotten in touch. We didn't even really have a fight, but my understanding was that he would be in touch yesterday. Where he is, it's already tomorrow, and I haven't heard a peep. Not even an email to say, "I'm busy, but I'll talk to you later." When we wound up our conversation on Tuesday, he sounded like he was still invested in the relationship, so I don't know what his game is at this point.

The bigger issue is what's going on with me. My mom and one of my best friends separately told me they were worried about the emotional rollercoaster I've been on with this guy, vacillating between ecstatic and miserable. They're not wrong. When things are good with the new boy, I'm elated. When things are bad or murky like they are now, I feel a physical ache in my chest. I'm not sure I'm cut out for these kinds of highs and lows. I'm prone to highs and lows as it is, and this just makes it worse, and I'm not sure that's the healthiest thing for me.

My friend asked me why I'm letting my emotions be so tied up with what's going on with this guy I haven't known very long. It's a fair question. A big part of it is that I genuinely feel a connection with this man. We have good conversations, we enjoy each other, we're attracted to each other, and I think we are a good match and a good fit. Another part is that it's been so long since someone was interested in me that I don't want to let this slip away. It feels good to be liked and to like someone in return, and the last time I felt that was so long ago that I barely remember it. But does this man really respect my feelings? Blowing me off when I need reassurance the most suggests he does not. Can I deal with this? If he calls, do I even want to talk to him? Or is it better to end it now?

The only thing I know for sure at this point is that it is some seriously unfair bullshit that he was the one pursuing me, and I'm ending up the one who gets her heart broken behind this mess.