Run, Run, Run Away, Lost, Lost, Lost My Mind

Still no word from the new guy.

Here Is What I Know Now, Brother...In Your Love, My Salvation Lies, In Your Love

I talked to my brother today to update him on my severing of ties with the new guy. He was proud of me for ending things and happy that I tried to get back in the game. I hadn't thought my brother noticed things like my dating life, but now I feel bad that he thinks I'm lonely. I don't want him to worry about me, and I really don't want him to feel sorry for me. He also said he respected the fact that I gave the new guy another chance after we initially had problems and tried to work things out. I guess that's something that everyone struggles with in relationships -- when to work at it and when to give up on it.

It's important to me to be the type of person my brother can respect and look up to. He's a grown man, and he's so smart and wise, and I value his opinion above all others. But we're still big sister and little brother, and even though he is my equal, I still feel that obligation to be a good role model for him. I don't want him to see me letting someone mistreat or abuse me.

I still miss the attention that the new guy paid me at the beginning of our relationship. I told my brother that it was nice to have a good-looking, smart guy with a nice job paying attention to me and noticing me because I feel like guys don't notice me generally. Still, I can't allow someone to treat me the way the new guy did.

I Let the Melody Shine, Let It Cleanse My Mind, I Feel Free Now, But the Airwaves are Clean and There's Nobody Singing to Me Now

I miss the new guy. I don't miss him in the sense that I think I made a mistake in telling him not to contact me again, but I miss the way that he was when we first started talking. It was so nice to have someone paying so much attention to me, especially a good-looking, smart guy with a job to whom I was attracted. It was nice to have him calling me all the time and telling me how much he liked me. I enjoyed talking to him and telling him about my day and hearing about his day.

I think that's the shit that people really like about being in a relationship -- the small things. Most people are capable of finding companionship with their friends, and most people can find sex without having to embark on a relationship to get it. To me, what is really special about being in a relationship is having someone care about the details. I talked to the new guy about things like my dentist appointment or what I was doing at work, and he talked to me about the same kind of stuff. It sounds like it would be so boring, but it was really awesome to get to know someone so well that I was invested in the nitty-gritty of his day.

Unfortunately, the better I got to know the new guy, the more I realized that he was just not playing by the same rules. And I readily concede that continuing to invest in that relationship was going to result in unlimited streams of verbal abuse and possibly getting my ass beat. It is obviously not worth a black eye to hear about someone's doctor appointments. But I would like to find that again with someone who isn't secretly Ike Turner.

You Keep On Pushing My Love Over the Borderline

The new guy and I are completely and totally done. After the texts I mentioned on Monday, he sent the following texts:

"And for the record, I did not call you a fucker! So drop whatever the hell you're smoking and LISTEN to your messages a little more clearly! Go dry your eyes out with a box of kleenex while you're at it!"

Charming. And...

"I totally agree! Why should I talk to someone like you who talks so much smack about me to someone else? And then tells me you cant [sic] wait to see me?!?! Who the hell do you think you are? Dont [sic] you dare make it sound like I have the problem here. But you know what? You're not worth it, certainly not worth something to get upset over. I wonder how much [our mutual acquaintance] knows about all the things you were planning on doing with me. Did you tell [her] how I had to tell you to slow down and think straight, or did you over exaggerate your side of the story to make yourself look all pure and innocent and me look like the bad guy? Dont [sic] worry, you don't have to answer that! I believe I did not do anything wrong. But thats [sic] ok, everyone only knows your side of the story and of course, I AM the bad guy! Dont [sic] you dare try to get away with elling me never to call you again. Im [sic] the one who should be telling YOU that!"

At the end there, he scared me. At the beginning of the texting, he had a point. Our friend should not have said anything to him, and I understand that he might not take it well that I talked about him behind his back. But before he gave me any kind of chance to talk to him about it, he got shitty with me about it. Then he denied getting shitty with me about it. Since some of his texts came from different numbers, it's possible he used friends' phones and the friends carried on texting without his knowledge, but I didn't care to drill down that deeply to find out the whole story. By that point, I knew I needed to be done with him.

Even if he felt totally innocent of any name-calling, his first text above was rude and inappropriate. It's one thing for him to say, "I didn't call you that. Why do you think I did?" But he was being an ass. He made no allowance for my having a legitimate reason to think he did call me a fucker. It doesn't sound like he even checked with any friends whose phones he used to see if they did it, if that was a possibility.

The second text above is just incredibly inappropriate on every level. Again, he starts off with a vaguely valid point about being upset that I would talk badly about him behind his back and tell him to his face that I couldn't wait to see him. I didn't bother to explain to him that I was, at one point, very excited to see him, but that I have grown increasingly unhappy with his behavior. He needs to have the last word, so I assume that's why he insists that he should be the one who gets to break off the relationship, but he sounds like he's threatening me. That frightens me. I also wonder what point he's trying to make in asking whether our friend knows what I was planning to do with him. I also wonder what I was planning to do with him. If he means that the possiblity that he and I might have had sex was discussed, well, he's the only one who thinks I would have been a whore for doing that.

He is very sensitive to any suggestion that he is being talked about behind his back. In his previous "fuck you" email in which he basically called me lonely, pathetic and deluded, he mentioned my talking about him to people he and I both know and wondering what was said. Maybe he has been the victim of rumors in the past. In any case, while I don't think our friend should have said anything to him and he had some legitimate basis to feel annoyed, his response was out of proportion to the wrong perpetrated on him. It made me realize that he is abusive and way too angry for me and that I made a very good decision in severing ties. I just hope it's really over.

But You Put on Quite a Show, Really Had Me Going, Now It's Time to Go, Curtain's Finally Closing

I managed to have another confrontation with the new guy that only served to further cement my resolve that we must get out of each other's lives.

He sent a friend request to someone we both know from our trip to Egypt. This woman has become a dear friend of mine, and she is none too fond of him. She didn't like him to begin with on the trip, and she has grown to dislike him more and more as she has heard about our relationship. She told him that I'm her friend and she loves me and that he needs to start treating me right or she will fuck him up. So, the two of them get into some kind of verbal tussle on Facebook, and the next thing I know, my cell phone is blowing up with text messages from the two of them.

He immediately started getting angry and mean in his texts to me, saying that I was being completely immature and acting like a five-year-old, and that I should call him when I was ready to get over it. I texted him to say that I was at a friend's house for dinner (true) and couldn't talk to him at that moment. I also said that whatever our friend said, I didn't put her up to it. He still felt that I was partly to blame because I must have talked to her about us (true that I talked to her about us, false that this makes me responsible for her actions). He got mad and called me a fucker.

When I got home, I texted him to say that I didn't think we should talk anymore because we bring out the worst in each other. He texted me back just now to say that he did not do that. Some of his texts were coming from different phone numbers, so maybe they were being sent from other people's cell phones or something, but it's not cool.

I Don't Know How You Do It, Making Love Out of Nothing at All

I'm deciding to be done with the new guy.

I think everyone has a person -- the person that she has to hear something from before she can accept it as true. For me, that person is my brother. Everyone has said basically the same things about the new guy, but my brother finally got serious with me today. I complained to him that the new guy called me up to yell at me on Tuesday, and he said, "Why are you talking to this guy anymore? You need to be proactive or don't talk to me about it." He said that the new guy is, at a minimum, verbally abusive, which does not bode well for the future. You deserve a lot better than this cat." (His Oprah-like pep talks now come with a twist of Sammy Davis, Jr.) My brother also pointed out that most people pretend to be nicer than they are at the beginning of a relationship and that this is the new guy's pretending -- in other words, it gets worse from here.

So, I've decided it isn't going anywhere from here.

I Will Be Your Father Figure, Put Your Tiny Hand in Mine

I haven't heard anything from the new guy since he sent me that dirty text message yesterday morning, but he was posting photos on Facebook. I don't know why I allow him to hurt me, but I do. He was supposed to visit me this weekend, and he never even bothered to tell me he wasn't going to.

He really is exactly like my father -- hot and cold, withholding and then emotional. And I have played right into it by working harder to get his attention and approval when he starts to withdraw, just like I do with my dad. What is wrong with me?

When the new guy first started calling me, he used to ask me about my day and listen to what was going on in my life. Now, I feel like he only wants to talk to me to berate me about something (e.g., loneliness, lack of health discipline) or initiate phone sex. As it turns out, being yelled at is not much of a turn-on for me. Obviously, I deserve more. I just wish I could turn off my feelings for this person.

Down the Basement, Lock the Cellar Door, and Baby, Talk Dirty to Me

I finally heard from the new guy. He woke me up at 4 this morning with a dirty text message. Ol' charmer.

Controlling, You Say That You Love Me But You Don't

I haven't heard from the new guy since our dust-up on Tuesday.

I've had so many other things going on that I haven't had as much time as I normally would to dwell on this. Last night, Teh Doggeh and I spent the night at a hotel to avoid the mice in my apartment. The landlord came in yesterday and stuffed crevices full of steel wool and caulk to impede rodent entry, but I didn't want to take the chance that a mouse would wake me up at three o'clock in the morning because I had a job interview today, and I needed to be as fresh and well-rested as possible. I slept for about 15 glorious hours.

I think the job interview went all right. I was the first candidate interviewed, so I think the interviewer was guarded because he doesn't know yet what my competition will be like. I thought the job sounded good, but it didn't sound like something I would be in love with. That said, I'll be disappointed if I'm not offered the position because I don't have any other interviews scheduled at the moment.

Between the rodent invasion and the job interview (and stress of finding other jobs for which to apply), I haven't had the energy to pander to the new guy's snit. I also don't think the onus is on me to call him, despite the fact that I've basically conditioned him to think that every time we have a fight, I'll make he effort to repair the breach. If anything good has come out of the frayed nerves I have from job searching and mouse eradicating, it's that I don't have the patience for asshole tolerating.

Big Girl, You Are Beautiful

In a big surprise to no one, the new guy and I fought today. Today's fight was over my eating and exercise habits.

As a bit of back story, I am very defensive about my eating habits and somewhat defensive about my exercise habits. My dad spent my entire childhood micro-managing my food intake until he gave me an eating disorder and ruined our relationship. So, when the new guy starts in about what I should and shouldn't be eating and how much I need to demonstrate discipline by exercising, I am quick to take umbrage.

I'm not even sure what set him off. At some point in the past, maybe about a month ago, he and I talked about maybe going to a sporting event together. I don't care a whit for sports, so I said I would go only if there were snacks. On Sunday, he asked what I planned to do all day, and I said I was having brunch with Teeny and then demolishing the contents of my Easter basket. (I was not actually doing this because I had already decimated the contents on Saturday and saved only one delicious Reese's Peanut Butter Cup egg for Sunday.) Then we were texting today, and he asked if I plan to work out with him (doing cardio and weights, he specified) while he's here, and I told him I did not foresee that.

His response was to send me a lengthy text message as follows:

"Can you at least make a concious [sic] effort to be a little active for me? Im [sic] sorry if this comes across so harsh but I really did not appreciate how you spent all day eating candy and chocolate the other day, just because it was easter [sic]. To me that tells a lot about you, how you dont [sic] care about your health and you're very careless with your body. If you want to be with me, please for god's sake, take care of yourself. You could potentially put yourself into serious danger. And what tears me up inside is you dont [sic] take it seriously. You know I like you and you know I care about you. But if you continue to act like this without some health discipline, then I dont [sic] know if I can pursue a relationship with you."

He then proceeded to call me and lambaste me for fifteen minutes on this same theme. During the phone conversation, I asked him several times to lower his voice and stop yelling at me, and he apologized for shouting.

Many things piss me off about his attitude here. First, and I pointed this out to him, he isn't here and he really has no idea how much I exercise or what my eating habits are. I am certain that I do not care about exercise and diet as much as he does, and I have never pretended otherwise. But I do take pretty decent care of myself. I don't like to run or go to the gym, but I do a lot of walking and I do yoga. Back when I still had a job, I also did Pilates, but I can't really afford that at the moment. As for eating, I have lost 40 pounds in the past year, and I think my eating habits are pretty healthy overall. I would not deny that there is room for improvement, but I find that if I eat really unhealthy food, it makes me feel nauseous, so I don't do it very much. Lately, my eating habits have been worse because I'm stress eating because of my job situation, but that is temporary.

Second, even if I were eating as if my one goal in life was to emulate the physique of the mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, I don't think it's his business. Either be with me or don't, but don't try to control me by dictating what I should eat. If I want to spend the entire day eating candy and chocolate, the only person who suffers for that is me.

Third, he keeps telling me he likes me, but it rings false. I think he likes some modified version of me. Like, me but with a gym membership. Or me but with a fondness for long-distance running. In other words, not me. It makes me feel like he's more interested in controlling me or turning me into the person he wants me to be than just enjoying my company. Frankly, if I wanted some asshole in my life to control my food intake and disparage my exercise routine, I would reconcile with my father and maybe at least secure my place in his will.

Fourth, he treats diet and exercise like born-agains treat Christianity. He recently got into working out and eating healthy and lost a substantial amount of weight, and I commend him for that. I'm happy that he is healthier and feeling better about himself. That doesn't mean that I need to convert to his religion or that I need to subscribe to it with the same level of zeal. Personally, I think that an overall healthy diet is the best way to go, but it is not going to hurt anyone to have nachos once a year at a hockey game. It is not going to hurt anyone to have a cookie now and then or order dessert in a restaurant. To me, to cut all junk food or baked goods out of my life would be to greatly diminish the amount of joy I can experience. I love crappy food and I love sugary food. I don't want to eat it all the time because that would make me both sick and morbidly obese, but life would be pretty joyless with no cupcakes in it. If he doesn't feel that way, that's perfectly fine, but he needs to understand that that's his choice, and I'm allowed to make my own choices. I told him that he needs to understand that I have this covered ("this" meaning "staying healthy") and treat me like an adult, but I don't think he was even listening to me at that point in the "conversation."

I'm at the point now where I'm about ready to tell him to fuck off. (In other words, "Tuesday.") I don't know why I feel more resigned about the fate of our relationship after this conversation than I did after his scathing email of a few weeks ago, but I do. I just can't see spending the rest of my life with him giving me a dirty look every time I eat a cookie. That sounds miserable.

I Get So Tired of Working So Hard for Our Survival. I Look to the Time With You to Keep Me Awake and Alive.

My morale is higher today than it was yesterday.

I had brunch with Teeny this morning, and we had a good chat. We didn't set out to sort out my life, but in the course of our discussion, I organized some thoughts that have been rattling around in my brain since I found out I'm losing my job. I guess that's one of the reasons Teeny is such a cherished friend -- she helps me to understand myself better.

As a smart, ambitious young lady, I have focused on clearly measurable markers of success. Specifically, I attended fancy-pants schools and scratched and clawed to practice at a fancy-pants law firm. Being able to say I went to a certain school or that I practice at a certain firm is like the grown-up equivalent of SAT scores -- it's a clear indicator of aptitude. Yet it is like the SATs in another way -- it is largely meaningless bullshit. I enjoy the law, but I don't love it. It's a means to an end, a way that I can pass the time and fund the things in my life that really matter to me.

What really matters to me? That's an easy question. My family, Teh Doggeh, my friends, yoga, baking, cooking, travel and writing. I need to find a job that will pay me enough money and give me enough time to pursue those interests.

Oh, and the new guy texted me this morning. He's coming to visit. He wanted to come today, but I think he might come next weekend instead.

Love, I Get So Lost Sometimes. Days Pass, and This Emptiness Fills My Heart.

I'm really struggling today with all the stuff that's going on, or going wrong, with my life. It's not that anything new has happened, but some days are harder than others and this is one of the harder days.

I have a massive Excel spreadsheet with multiple worksheet pages detailing all the jobs to which I've applied in the past ten days. I would estimate there are upwards of 350 law firms on there as well as a small smattering of government and in-house positions. It's pretty damn impressive, I have to say. Most of the law firms on the spreadsheet are places I doubt are hiring and, even if they were, would be unlikely to be interested in someone of my qualifications. Out of the, say, 200 most highly-regarded firms on the spreadsheet, I would be bowled over if I got two interviews. Unsolicited resumes don't tend to yield a large number of interviews.

I still haven't heard anything from the new guy. At this point, I should not be remotely surprised by that, but I am. How could he just ignore me like this? It's so callous. When he said he needed to gather his thoughts, apparently the thoughts he gathered went something like, "I do not care about this woman or respect her feelings even a tee-tiny bit." Part of me wants to send him an email telling him to go fuck himself, but since I would really be doing that only to get him to pay attention to me, which would make me just the kind of desperate, pathetic person he accused me of being.

I just want something good to happen. Now, if possible.

Who Are You?

My mom told me that I need to figure out who I am, after I lamented to her that my life is in a shambles because I'm imminently unemployed and being completely ignored by the new boy. According to my mom, I cannot be defined by my job or my romantic relationships (or lack thereof). At first, I rolled my eyes at her as I usually do whenever she starts talking about touchy-feely stuff, but it stayed with me.

I was thinking about the conversation in which my employer's emissary informed me that my services would no longer be required. I was grinding my teeth so hard that I thought I was going to snap a molar in two, and I kept thinking that as smart as I am, I don't understand why I keep failing in my career. I interrupted my inner rant by telling myself that I just can't allow these things in. I have to be selective in which perceptions of other people I internalize.

It occurred to me that this might be what my mom meant when she said I need to figure out who I am. If I know who I am, then it is easier to determine which perceptions to absorb and which to let bead up and roll off my skin.

I Don't Know Why You Say Good-Bye, I Say Hello

So much going on today. All of it good, which is a nice change of pace.

(1) The new guy didn't call. That's probably good. The problem with the mind games he's playing is that I'm losing interest more so than getting wound up and sad that I haven't heard from him. I just can't get past the fact that he didn't say anything to me about my losing my job. That's a dick move. I have too much else to focus on right now. Fuck off, new guy.

(2) I got asked in for a job interview! I'm going in next week. An interview is not an offer, and I'm not sure the firm actually pays enough for me to survive on, but it's a start.

and

(3) I'm talking to The Only Living Boy in New York again.

Don't Go Breakin' My Heart

This is the letter I wish I could write to the new guy.

Dear [name]:

I don't think we should keep in touch anymore. Right now, I'm going through the difficult transition of finding a new job (and possibly having to relocate) and dealing with the disappointment of losing a job at which I worked really hard. I need to focus my energy on my career right now, and I can't have my energy drained by being upset with you. And lately, every interaction I've had with you has been upsetting.

We had a fight a few weeks ago, and I thought we planned to talk the following day, and I didn't hear from you. Then, when I did hear from you, you said a lot of hurtful things. I know you apologized, and I didn't field the apology in a very forgiving way, but when I asked you what you wanted, you said you guessed that was good-bye. That wasn't what I meant, but I took that to be what you wanted. After a week passed, and I reached out to you to try to resolve things, you said you needed to gather your thoughts. That's entirely valid, but you've been gathering your thoughts for a week and a half, in addition to the week you already had before that to gather your thoughts. No one's thoughts need that much gathering or, if they do, what you're really thinking is that you don't give all that much of a shit about me. It's fine if you don't want to be my boyfriend or embark on a serious relationship at this juncture because we don't really know each other well enough. But it's not fine if you can't even be a halfway decent friend, which requires doing what you say you're going to do. You didn't even say anything about my losing my job.

I don't know what happened here. When things first started out, you were calling every day, and we were having these awesome conversations, and it seemed like there was a lot of potential. Then, all of a sudden, things just went right to hell. I'm sad and disappointed, but I just don't have the energy to try any harder.

Me

Miss Saigon

I had a down day today. It was just one of those days when everything seems to be piling up, and I let myself get overwhelmed.

The new guy still hasn't called. He mentioned this morning that he would try to call me today or tonight, but he hasn't. It really pisses me off. Do I not deserve better than this? We are talking about a man who said some horrible things to me, then blew me off. Then, I reached out to him to smooth things over, and he said he needed some time to think (in addition to the week he'd already had) and has since not called for a week and a half. What the fuck? I'm angry with him for being insensitive, and I'm angry with myself for spending so much energy on someone who doesn't really give a shit about me.

In addition, I'm sweating the job stuff. It's ridiculous because I need to pace myself on the stress and despair and it is really too early to expect firms to have responded to me yet anyway.

So, to cheer myself up, I'm researching a trip online (I know -- put on your "big surprise!" face). In my dream scenario, I find a job before my term at the current place expires on June 30 and they let me start in late July or August 1 and I have time to take a lengthy trip to southeast Asia. It's far from a certainty that I'll be able to swing that, but it gives me something to hope for.

She Works Hard for the Money (doot doot doot doot)

It's Day #5 of my job search, and I feel the first frisson of discouragement. This is not good. It is way too early in the process to feel discouraged, especially when there are places out there hiring. I keep reminding myself that I may already have applied for my future job. Plus, new positions may become available as the process goes on. Still, I hate having things as important as my future employment unsettled like this. It's stressful, and it's giving me insomnia.

On the positive side, I finally heard back from the new boy. I haven't heard much (just a quick Facebook message), but he says he misses talking to me. My solution to that would be for him to call me, but men are not as smart as women, so it may take him a little longer to come up with that.

I Was Looking for a Job and Then I Found a Job and Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now

I was reading a magazine once, and I saw a quote from someone (I think it was Diane von Furstenberg, not Gandhi or anyone like that) that said, "They can't take from you what you've already had." The quote resonated and has stuck with me through the years. When I read it, I had what Oprah's magazine calls "an a-ha moment."

In one light, the quote directs us not to delay joy. This is the reason that I travel so compulsively. I want to make sure that if something happens tomorrow that ends my ability to travel, that I have had at least some of the experiences I want to have. It wouldn't be enough, but it would be something.

In another light (one I've been considering more this week), the quote counsels us to take stock in the face of setbacks and figure out what resources we have going forward. I could not be more pissed off that my current employer is asking me to leave. It is utter bullshit, and I deserve far better treatment after everything I've done for these ingrates. I hope the office burns down with about half the employees still inside (a certain half -- not just any random half). Right now, those feelings of bitterness and rage, while entirely valid, are not helpful or productive in moving forward to my next job. But despite how shoddily my employer is treating me, the experience of working there has not been a waste at all. I moved to a new city where I've always wanted to live at their expense, I took and passed a bar exam in a new state at their expense, I added some new skills to my toolbox, I made some new friends, I added a prestigious employer to my resume, and I have access to a wealth of institutional wisdom that I intend to appropriate when I leave.

I'm trying really hard to be as positive as possible about this situation and to see it as an opportunity. I've been out of school for a little less than four years, and yet I've already endured the no-offer from my 2L summer employer and now I'm going through this. It discourages me because I look at my friends and think that I am as smart as they are, I work as hard as they do, and the school I went to is as highly-regarded as any school any of them went to, and yet they have not known the career misfortunes that I have. It's useless to compare oneself to other people, but it's also inevitable.

My mom told me I need to consider what I'm putting out to the universe. (She spent the weekend with her two sisters, who are both very big on putting things out to the universe. They have been big on this for years, maybe decades. Certainly long before anyone had ever heard of The Secret.) When I stop rolling my eyes at the New Agey-ness of that to consider the question, I realize that I haven't been happy at my firm in quite awhile. I like a lot of things about my profession, but I don't like the garbage that goes along with doing it at the top level. After I got the no-offer, it was important to me to be hired by a highly-ranked firm to prove to myself that I could do it. When I finally achieved that goal, I realized at some level that just because I can do something doesn't necessarily make it a good idea.

Overall, I like what I do. I don't know that I feel "called" to do it, but I enjoy it. I like helping clients to identify their problems and solve them, I like being part of a team, I enjoy research and writing, and I generally like feeling as if what I do helps someone. The way we do things at my current place of work (and this is something that goes throughout the profession at that tier, not just in this one location), there's a lot of excess crap that gets in the way of the stuff I actually like. For instance, tying my bonus to a certain number of billable hours encourages me to do things as inefficiently as possible or to do things myself that I should delegate to a subordinate. That doesn't benefit the client or, really, me in the sense that I'm not learning anything. The politics are also a total quagmire. Every office has politics regardless of what line of work is involved, but figuring out the politics of an office with 1000 people (literally) working in it is just beyond me. I am not that Machiavellian. Blair Waldorf probably isn't that Machiavellian. When you get to the top levels at a place like where I work, there are a few genuinely cool people, but they are curious aberrations. For the most part, to succeed in that environment, you have to subsume everything that makes you human. You have to turn yourself into a sociopath, if you aren't one already. I'm not down for that.

Ultimately, I think this situation is for the best. I doubt I would have chosen to leave the level of practice that I was at on my own because the money is too good. But now that I'm forced to go, I am optimistic that it will turn out for the best.

Take This Job and Shove It

Well, it finally happened. I got word from the corporate overlords that I'm being asked to leave the firm at the end of June. I knew it was a possibility, but it still shocked me when it actually happened. Maybe what surprised me the most is how unfair it is. I had some negative reviews (undeserved, but there they were), and I did everything the firm asked of me and more to overcome them, and I achieved the results I was told I needed to achieve to keep my job, and it still turned out the same way as if I had done nothing. What a disappointment.

Now, I'm on the job hunt. The economy is bleak right now, but places are still hiring. I've been sending my resume around and trying to connect with friends and family to ask them to pass on any opportunities they hear about. Not much else I can do, really.

After my experience of not receiving an offer from my 2L summer employer, I learned that career setbacks are common and that they are also survivable. I'm nervous about finding a job, but I know that I will ultimately land okay. I'm a smart person with a couple of fancy degrees to my name, and I'll work my ass off until I find a job. I'm hopeful that I will look back on this bullshit one day as a blessing in disguise -- the push I needed to leave a job that wasn't making me happy anyway. I doubt that day will come until after I'm ensconced in a new position.