Big Girl, You Are Beautiful

In a big surprise to no one, the new guy and I fought today. Today's fight was over my eating and exercise habits.

As a bit of back story, I am very defensive about my eating habits and somewhat defensive about my exercise habits. My dad spent my entire childhood micro-managing my food intake until he gave me an eating disorder and ruined our relationship. So, when the new guy starts in about what I should and shouldn't be eating and how much I need to demonstrate discipline by exercising, I am quick to take umbrage.

I'm not even sure what set him off. At some point in the past, maybe about a month ago, he and I talked about maybe going to a sporting event together. I don't care a whit for sports, so I said I would go only if there were snacks. On Sunday, he asked what I planned to do all day, and I said I was having brunch with Teeny and then demolishing the contents of my Easter basket. (I was not actually doing this because I had already decimated the contents on Saturday and saved only one delicious Reese's Peanut Butter Cup egg for Sunday.) Then we were texting today, and he asked if I plan to work out with him (doing cardio and weights, he specified) while he's here, and I told him I did not foresee that.

His response was to send me a lengthy text message as follows:

"Can you at least make a concious [sic] effort to be a little active for me? Im [sic] sorry if this comes across so harsh but I really did not appreciate how you spent all day eating candy and chocolate the other day, just because it was easter [sic]. To me that tells a lot about you, how you dont [sic] care about your health and you're very careless with your body. If you want to be with me, please for god's sake, take care of yourself. You could potentially put yourself into serious danger. And what tears me up inside is you dont [sic] take it seriously. You know I like you and you know I care about you. But if you continue to act like this without some health discipline, then I dont [sic] know if I can pursue a relationship with you."

He then proceeded to call me and lambaste me for fifteen minutes on this same theme. During the phone conversation, I asked him several times to lower his voice and stop yelling at me, and he apologized for shouting.

Many things piss me off about his attitude here. First, and I pointed this out to him, he isn't here and he really has no idea how much I exercise or what my eating habits are. I am certain that I do not care about exercise and diet as much as he does, and I have never pretended otherwise. But I do take pretty decent care of myself. I don't like to run or go to the gym, but I do a lot of walking and I do yoga. Back when I still had a job, I also did Pilates, but I can't really afford that at the moment. As for eating, I have lost 40 pounds in the past year, and I think my eating habits are pretty healthy overall. I would not deny that there is room for improvement, but I find that if I eat really unhealthy food, it makes me feel nauseous, so I don't do it very much. Lately, my eating habits have been worse because I'm stress eating because of my job situation, but that is temporary.

Second, even if I were eating as if my one goal in life was to emulate the physique of the mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, I don't think it's his business. Either be with me or don't, but don't try to control me by dictating what I should eat. If I want to spend the entire day eating candy and chocolate, the only person who suffers for that is me.

Third, he keeps telling me he likes me, but it rings false. I think he likes some modified version of me. Like, me but with a gym membership. Or me but with a fondness for long-distance running. In other words, not me. It makes me feel like he's more interested in controlling me or turning me into the person he wants me to be than just enjoying my company. Frankly, if I wanted some asshole in my life to control my food intake and disparage my exercise routine, I would reconcile with my father and maybe at least secure my place in his will.

Fourth, he treats diet and exercise like born-agains treat Christianity. He recently got into working out and eating healthy and lost a substantial amount of weight, and I commend him for that. I'm happy that he is healthier and feeling better about himself. That doesn't mean that I need to convert to his religion or that I need to subscribe to it with the same level of zeal. Personally, I think that an overall healthy diet is the best way to go, but it is not going to hurt anyone to have nachos once a year at a hockey game. It is not going to hurt anyone to have a cookie now and then or order dessert in a restaurant. To me, to cut all junk food or baked goods out of my life would be to greatly diminish the amount of joy I can experience. I love crappy food and I love sugary food. I don't want to eat it all the time because that would make me both sick and morbidly obese, but life would be pretty joyless with no cupcakes in it. If he doesn't feel that way, that's perfectly fine, but he needs to understand that that's his choice, and I'm allowed to make my own choices. I told him that he needs to understand that I have this covered ("this" meaning "staying healthy") and treat me like an adult, but I don't think he was even listening to me at that point in the "conversation."

I'm at the point now where I'm about ready to tell him to fuck off. (In other words, "Tuesday.") I don't know why I feel more resigned about the fate of our relationship after this conversation than I did after his scathing email of a few weeks ago, but I do. I just can't see spending the rest of my life with him giving me a dirty look every time I eat a cookie. That sounds miserable.