The Way We Were

In the past week, I feel like I've taken the table that is my life and completely upended it. I've basically taken a few situations that I was manageably unhappy about and taken the risk of changing them. I've already mentioned my job, but wait! There's more!

I also started speaking to my father again after barely talking to him for the past eight years. My father and I had a troubled, tumultuous relationship for most of my childhood and young adulthood, and, as I've said before, I severed contact with him not long after I graduated from college. It doesn't take a psychology degree to know that my flawed skills at choosing suitable male partners stem from my fractured relationship with my dad. A lot of people think I'm attracted to guys with girlfriends, but it's more complex than that. I'm attracted to guys who have something else in their lives that is their number one priority (see, e.g., Goose, who has a girlfriend but whose main priority is his job), like my dad with his work and his money and his hoarding problem. What I continually hope for is the guy choosing me over whatever this other priority is, which will make me feel important and worthy. So far, this hasn't happened.

My mom held the strong opinion that "healing the relationship" (her words, or maybe Dr. Phil's) with my father would allow me to stop the cycle of choosing unavailable men and maybe get, like, a real boyfriend. I'm not so sure. My dad is still who he is. I don't know how to accept him the way he is and not feel disappointed in his lack of fathering skills. I am trying though. I emailed him to wish him a happy birthday the other day, and he sent me a short, pleasant response. I was surprised, since I thought he would send some overwrought email simultaneously praising me for renewing contact with him and lambasting me for freezing him out for so long. He showed admirable self-restraint though, so maybe I don't know him as well as I thought. So, getting back in touch with Dad ended up being anti-climactic, but I hope it's leading toward a positive end.

In the sillier realm of things, I also planned a trip to Asia for September and bought a new couch from a neighbor who is moving away. I know putting a new piece of furniture on par with a new job or a fresh start with my dad is ridiculous, but when all the changes started piling up, I felt overwhelmed.