It's Always the Same, It's Just a Shame, That's All

When I got home from my vacation on Sunday, I found the rejection letter from the place I interviewed before I left. That was a big let-down.

I had reservations about going to this firm. I wasn't enamored of the idea of moving back to the Bean (though I wasn't strongly opposed to it either) and I heard that this firm treated some of its employees really poorly (though that probably describes every major law firm in this economic climate). I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a job working almost exclusively for one partner, subject entirely to his whims and moods. In other words, given that I need to stay with my next employer for a minimum of three years, it might not have been a great situation for me. That said, I was deeply disappointed to be passed over. Maybe a day will come when I look back and think I dodged a bullet, but today is not that day. I thought I did well at the interview, or at least that I did my best, and it hurts not to be chosen.

Coming back from vacation was really hard today. I don't think anyone is happy on the first day back to work after a fun trip, but I was completely miserable. It was so refreshing to be away from work and away from all the attendant indignities and humiliations that accompany each and every day of this job. People treated me like a human being, worthy of respect.

Sitting at my desk, I contemplated my choices. Basically, I can quit or I can stay. If I quit, all evidence suggests that I won't be able to replace the job with another similarly-paying temp job. I guarantee that after a week of gleeful elation and triumph over quitting my hated job, panic will set in and I will stop remembering the truth of how awful the job is and start regretting that I surrendered a decently-paying temp assignment. If I stay, the job will continue eroding my already-diminished self-esteem. These are not great choices.

The best case scenario is obviously to leave the job under the positive circumstances of finding alternate employment elsewhere. So far, this has not happened. On the positive side, I've been getting more interest from employers in interviewing me lately, which is encouraging. On the negative side, none of these interviews has led to an offer of employment. It's demoralizing to continue sending out resume after resume (usually at least five per day) and going on the occasional interview without anything to show for it. When I talk to other people, I can feel their relief at not being me rolling off of them like a tidal wave. I'm afraid that when I actually do find a job, I won't have anything left to give my employer. I'm even more afraid that I'll never find a job at all.