I heard from the Egypt guy again today! I was incredibly excited to open up my email and see one from him. He didn't have anything too substantive to say -- just wanted to know the details of my plans to get revenge on him for leaving a hickey on my neck (I assume he wanted those details to be as dirty as possible) and to reiterate his desire to come visit me here.
When I thought that Catalano was going to come visit in January, I was nervous and on edge. But when I think about this guy coming to visit, I feel happy and excited. I can't wait for him to get here. Obviously, April is two months away, and who knows if he'll actually follow through, but I'm hopeful. We'll see.
Showing posts with label Catalano. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Catalano. Show all posts
Friday, February 20, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
I've Realized That I Just Don't Love You, Not Like I Used To
Catalano is officially deleted out of my cell phone. He never responded to my email from the Friday before last. I kept thinking that he would, and when he didn't, I became more and more hurt and pissed.
Catalano's main virtue as a man and a friend was his willingness to apologize when he did something hurtful. That is a good quality to have, but its value is diminished by the fact that he keeps doing things that he needs to apologize for. At some point (and this is that point), I have to say that whether he means to be a jerk or not, he's not a good friend to me and having him in my life is more trouble than it is worth.
Catalano's main virtue as a man and a friend was his willingness to apologize when he did something hurtful. That is a good quality to have, but its value is diminished by the fact that he keeps doing things that he needs to apologize for. At some point (and this is that point), I have to say that whether he means to be a jerk or not, he's not a good friend to me and having him in my life is more trouble than it is worth.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Some Shit I Definitely Don't Need
Still nothing from Catalano. It occurred to me this morning that he may have had to prepare for a trial this weekend after all, but my very next thought after that was, "I do not care." Being up to his eyeballs in trial preparation this weekend is a perfectly rational reason not to respond to my email, but it doesn't erase the sting of the weird text message fight we had. And all his reticence has done, regardless of why it is happening, is give me more time to think and get pissed off.
He was offended that I de-friended him after not hearing from him pursuant to his previous plan to visit between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and he said he wanted to come this weekend because a three-day weekend would give him a chance to spend more time with me. Then, the day before he was supposed to come, he has some weird malfunction and decides he doesn't want to come. Even worse, he manages to make me feel bad about it first and push me into being the one to suggest he not come. As the grand finale, when I try to smooth things over, he makes no reply. Rawr!
He was offended that I de-friended him after not hearing from him pursuant to his previous plan to visit between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and he said he wanted to come this weekend because a three-day weekend would give him a chance to spend more time with me. Then, the day before he was supposed to come, he has some weird malfunction and decides he doesn't want to come. Even worse, he manages to make me feel bad about it first and push me into being the one to suggest he not come. As the grand finale, when I try to smooth things over, he makes no reply. Rawr!
Sunday, January 18, 2009
He's the Time Taken Up But There's Never Enough and He's All That I Need to Fall Into
I still haven't heard anything from Catalano in response to my email Friday morning. Not an email, not a phone call, not even a stupid text message. Catalano has an iPhone from which he has sent me emails on numerous occasions, so I have no doubt that he received and read my email and has simply chosen not to respond yet. The best case scenario is that he is trying to compose his thoughts for a pithy, heartfelt reply, but I can hardly get that statement out without snickering.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
So I Drive Home Alone, As I Turn Out the Light, I'll Put His Picture Down and Maybe Get Some Sleep Tonight
Still no response from Catalano. My mom thinks, and I'm not currently inclined to disagree, that it's time for him to make his way to the dumpster permanently. It's not cool for him to keep crawling out of the mists of the past to make me feel bad about myself. I don't know why it was easier to jettison The Only Living Boy in New York than Catalano, but I think it's because Catalano is genuinely remorseful when he hurts me and is just sad and confused in the wake of his break-up. I feel for him, but I have my own sanity to protect. He isn't my responsibility.
In other news, I had acupuncture and cupping today to alleviate the chronic pain in my neck (though ditching Catalano might have cured that -- har har). The photo is the results of the cupping. Nasty.
Friday, January 16, 2009
He's the Song in the Car I Keep Singing, Don't Know Why I Do
Me to him at 11:15 this morning:
Hi [Catalano],
I feel awkward about how we left things last night. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable or that you can't visit, but the phrasing of what you said made me wonder if you saw something happening or hoped for something happening between us in the future. I'm sorry for the bad timing, because I know the conversation is awkward so soon after things with [the ex-girlfriend]. I hope you're doing well, and you can always talk to me about whatever is going on.
[Known Associate]
No response.
Hi [Catalano],
I feel awkward about how we left things last night. I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable or that you can't visit, but the phrasing of what you said made me wonder if you saw something happening or hoped for something happening between us in the future. I'm sorry for the bad timing, because I know the conversation is awkward so soon after things with [the ex-girlfriend]. I hope you're doing well, and you can always talk to me about whatever is going on.
[Known Associate]
No response.
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Teardrops on my Guitar
Catalano isn't coming.
That is unsurprising. What surprised me is how it came about that he isn't coming.
He texted me this afternoon as I was leaving work to get a pedicure and a Brazilian wax (ouch, by the way) to find out if I have to work this weekend. I said I did not and asked if he did. He said that, as of now, he also does not have to work this weekend. So, I asked if that meant he planned to come visit me. He said that if the weather didn't get worse, he would come, and then he said that he wanted to clarify that, contrary to what he agreed to before, he would rather sleep on the couch than share the bed with me.
That upset me. I had been wondering what his expectations are since we planned this rendezvous, and his saying that made me feel like he was rejecting me. It also made me feel like he was pulling the classic Catalano move of acting interested (in agreeing to share the bed initially) and then taking it back. He said that after everything that happened with his ex-girlfriend, he would rather take the couch. So, I asked if something was going on with his ex-girlfriend, and he said there wasn't but that it had been only a couple of months, and he wasn't ready. I asked if that meant he foresaw being ready or something happening between us at some future point, and he said he didn't know, but that nothing could happen right now. Then he decided not to come this weekend. He says we'll do it another weekend, but I don't think he really will. In fact, I would be surprised if we talk again. It seemed like one of those conversations (via text message) that became more intense than either person really meant for it to become and then ends up ending the friendship.
I'm so disappointed. I didn't know what I wanted to happen between Catalano and me this weekend, but I always hoped something would happen between us eventually. For him, it has been only a couple of months since he broke up with his long-time girlfriend (so his feelings of unreadiness to move on are completely valid), but for me, it has been two and a half years of waiting for him to realize she sucks and try something with me instead (these feelings are also valid). Now I just feel sad and confused.
That is unsurprising. What surprised me is how it came about that he isn't coming.
He texted me this afternoon as I was leaving work to get a pedicure and a Brazilian wax (ouch, by the way) to find out if I have to work this weekend. I said I did not and asked if he did. He said that, as of now, he also does not have to work this weekend. So, I asked if that meant he planned to come visit me. He said that if the weather didn't get worse, he would come, and then he said that he wanted to clarify that, contrary to what he agreed to before, he would rather sleep on the couch than share the bed with me.
That upset me. I had been wondering what his expectations are since we planned this rendezvous, and his saying that made me feel like he was rejecting me. It also made me feel like he was pulling the classic Catalano move of acting interested (in agreeing to share the bed initially) and then taking it back. He said that after everything that happened with his ex-girlfriend, he would rather take the couch. So, I asked if something was going on with his ex-girlfriend, and he said there wasn't but that it had been only a couple of months, and he wasn't ready. I asked if that meant he foresaw being ready or something happening between us at some future point, and he said he didn't know, but that nothing could happen right now. Then he decided not to come this weekend. He says we'll do it another weekend, but I don't think he really will. In fact, I would be surprised if we talk again. It seemed like one of those conversations (via text message) that became more intense than either person really meant for it to become and then ends up ending the friendship.
I'm so disappointed. I didn't know what I wanted to happen between Catalano and me this weekend, but I always hoped something would happen between us eventually. For him, it has been only a couple of months since he broke up with his long-time girlfriend (so his feelings of unreadiness to move on are completely valid), but for me, it has been two and a half years of waiting for him to realize she sucks and try something with me instead (these feelings are also valid). Now I just feel sad and confused.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Crazy Train
Catalano hasn't emailed me since Monday, and now I'm convincing myself (baselessly, I admit) that he's blowing me off about this weekend. In between assuring myself that he isn't coming, I'm winding myself up about whether he expects us to have sex if he does come (there's almost a pun in there). And, of course, my concern about that is that he's going to have sex with me and then his ex-girlfriend is going to snap her fingers and he's going to callously cast me aside and get back with her because he's in love with her and not with me. I think it might be time to go to bed before I drive myself completely insane.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Weekend Update
I talked to a friend of mine last night about Catalano's (purported) upcoming visit, and she helped to put my mind at ease. She opined that, given that there has been some flirtation between us in the past, he's probably coming up here with an open mind just to see what might happen. I can deal with that, especially since I'm approaching the weekend with the same mindset. This friend is also Jewish and is dating a guy who is Christian, and she assured me that if being with someone Jewish is important to him, that will come up earlier rather than later.
Unfortunately, now that I'm feeling cheerier, Catalano has stopped responding to my emails. I emailed him yesterday and then emailed him again this morning, and he didn't respond to either. Rawr.
Unfortunately, now that I'm feeling cheerier, Catalano has stopped responding to my emails. I emailed him yesterday and then emailed him again this morning, and he didn't respond to either. Rawr.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
If I Stay in One Place, I Lose My Mind, I'm a Pretty Impossible Lady to be With
Catalano purports that he's coming for a visit.
He discovered that I de-friended him on the social networking site we both use, and he texted me late Sunday night to ask what was wrong. I emailed him on Monday to say that he'd led me to believe he wanted to come visit me and then blew me off, and that it made me feel like he only talked to me when he wanted something (long story). He explained that his brother had come to town from Asia and he wanted to talk to me to see if the invitation to visit was still open. So, then I felt guilty for acting like a nutburger.
So, now I guess he might actually come. I'm freaking out about so many different things that it is hard to narrow down the freak-outs. Here is the list of everything I've had a panic attack about:
1. That he might not actually come.
2. That he might come and not make any kind of move on me.
3. That he will come, make a move, and I will have to actually have sex with him.
3a. And that he'll never call me again.
3b. And that it will lead to a long distance relationship.
3b1. That will lead to his expecting me to convert to Judaism.
He discovered that I de-friended him on the social networking site we both use, and he texted me late Sunday night to ask what was wrong. I emailed him on Monday to say that he'd led me to believe he wanted to come visit me and then blew me off, and that it made me feel like he only talked to me when he wanted something (long story). He explained that his brother had come to town from Asia and he wanted to talk to me to see if the invitation to visit was still open. So, then I felt guilty for acting like a nutburger.
So, now I guess he might actually come. I'm freaking out about so many different things that it is hard to narrow down the freak-outs. Here is the list of everything I've had a panic attack about:
1. That he might not actually come.
2. That he might come and not make any kind of move on me.
3. That he will come, make a move, and I will have to actually have sex with him.
3a. And that he'll never call me again.
3b. And that it will lead to a long distance relationship.
3b1. That will lead to his expecting me to convert to Judaism.
Monday, December 1, 2008
When You Call, I'm Pressing Seven, Don't Want to Hear Your Messages, I'm Trying to Erase You From My Mind
I am in a self-esteem free-fall. I have been thinking of asking my salsa crush to my friend's annual holiday party this weekend. Half the world is invited to this party. People fly in from around the country to attend. I figured it would be a low-pressure, low-cost way for us to spend time together and get to know each other outside the scope of his employment. It's all well and good to dance with him and visit him at his bartending job, but, at some point, if the relationship is to progress even to a real friendship, we need to hang out when he's not being paid to be with me. Otherwise, he's, like, my gigolo or something, and that is unsavory.
Anyway, I have worked myself into a complete tizzy over whether I should even invite him to the party and, if so, how I should go about doing it. A crush is supposed to be fun. A friendship is supposed to be fun. Putting a heap of pressure on myself is not fun.
On top of that, I am about ready to murder Catalano. Catalano, for those who haven't known me long, is a guy I went on a couple of dates with in my old city. Basically, he would call me to hang out when he was on the outs with his girlfriend. She was (and, I think, still is) very into the make-up-break-up routine, and I guess he is too since he continues to participate in whatever games she wants to play. He eventually reconciled with her for a sizeable chunk of time, and I called him out on sending mixed signals. He apologized, and we resolved to be friends. That went fine as long as he was still with her, but they broke up again recently and, true to form, he started calling me a lot more often. He even said on several occasions that he planned to come visit me between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I emailed him to suggest two possible weekends (this weekend and the following weekend), and he didn't say anything to me about that, even though he responded to other aspects of the email.
At this point, I feel like he treats me like the runner-up for his affections and calls me only because he can't stand to be alone for five seconds. It's not flattering to feel like a guy is only calling because he can't be with the person he really likes or that I would be dropped like a hot potato as soon as his ex-girlfriend decided she wanted him back (which I am convinced she will because in the two years I have known him, they have broken up and gotten back together about four times). I am fine with our being friends, but I do have feelings for him. Those feelings don't get in our way as long as he's being clear with the message that all he wants is friendship, but everything is in a tumult as soon as he starts hinting that he might be interested in more. Then, of course, I get my feelings hurt when he doesn't follow through with those hints. I wish that I could just stop having those feelings for him so I wouldn't get my hopes up when he starts hinting, but as much as I've tried, that hasn't happened. I care about him, but I'm wondering if the only solution is for us to go our separate ways and stop trying to be friends.
Anyway, I have worked myself into a complete tizzy over whether I should even invite him to the party and, if so, how I should go about doing it. A crush is supposed to be fun. A friendship is supposed to be fun. Putting a heap of pressure on myself is not fun.
On top of that, I am about ready to murder Catalano. Catalano, for those who haven't known me long, is a guy I went on a couple of dates with in my old city. Basically, he would call me to hang out when he was on the outs with his girlfriend. She was (and, I think, still is) very into the make-up-break-up routine, and I guess he is too since he continues to participate in whatever games she wants to play. He eventually reconciled with her for a sizeable chunk of time, and I called him out on sending mixed signals. He apologized, and we resolved to be friends. That went fine as long as he was still with her, but they broke up again recently and, true to form, he started calling me a lot more often. He even said on several occasions that he planned to come visit me between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I emailed him to suggest two possible weekends (this weekend and the following weekend), and he didn't say anything to me about that, even though he responded to other aspects of the email.
At this point, I feel like he treats me like the runner-up for his affections and calls me only because he can't stand to be alone for five seconds. It's not flattering to feel like a guy is only calling because he can't be with the person he really likes or that I would be dropped like a hot potato as soon as his ex-girlfriend decided she wanted him back (which I am convinced she will because in the two years I have known him, they have broken up and gotten back together about four times). I am fine with our being friends, but I do have feelings for him. Those feelings don't get in our way as long as he's being clear with the message that all he wants is friendship, but everything is in a tumult as soon as he starts hinting that he might be interested in more. Then, of course, I get my feelings hurt when he doesn't follow through with those hints. I wish that I could just stop having those feelings for him so I wouldn't get my hopes up when he starts hinting, but as much as I've tried, that hasn't happened. I care about him, but I'm wondering if the only solution is for us to go our separate ways and stop trying to be friends.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)