Yeah, Intelligent Input, Darlin;. Why Don't You Just Have Another Beer Then?

I could hit Paprika in the crotch with a bat three times, and he would still be way ahead of the game. I reminded him that I'm going to Guatemala this weekend (a trip I paid for before I found out I was getting laid off), and he responded thusly:

"Um... I know already had this discussion, but shouldn't you be saving money?? Are you going to come back with a huge crush on a guy from new zealand, frisian islands, malta, or some other island state?"

Kangaroo Jack

This is what Paprika thinks I should say to Goose: "Tell him something like, "Kangaroo, it was nice to get to know you. Peru was fun. I hope you the best. Take care." Done. La fin."

Well, You're Kinda Looking at Me Like I've Got to Set You Free, You Know I Can't Be Nobody

I haven't talked to Goose much since the awkward conversation we had a few days ago about my coming to Australia (or not), but I've been thinking about it a lot.

Paprika got my foot broken off in his ass yesterday for asking if I had arrived at "desperation station." Paprika is not the first person to suggest that I might have been too intense in suggesting that I go to Australia to visit Goose, but it isn't cool to accuse a friend of being desperate. I concede that my actions were a little on the bold side, but, in my defense, it didn't (and still doesn't) seem like a big leap from his assumption that I would drop whatever I'm doing and fly to Las Vegas to spend time with him to going to Sydney to spend time with him there. Paprika apologized after I called him an asshole for deliberately being hurtful about something I'm already hurt about.

As for Goose, I don't know what I'm going to do about him. I've been giving myself a little space from him the past couple of days, but I don't want to lose him completely. My guess, based on his behavior subsequent to our awkward conversation, is that he would prefer to keep me in his back pocket and just press through the awkwardness like it never happened. I'm okay with the latter, if not the former, and I don't get the impression that it would be well-received if I tried to address the awkwardness directly. I love Goose very much, but I've started to develop a less favorable image of him over the last few days. The way he interacts with me tells me that he's not completely committed to his girlfriend (he might be keeping his junk in his pants, but he's emotionally unfaithful, which I think is just as bad), and that tells me that he probably wouldn't be completely committed to me either if he promoted me to the status of girlfriend. Maybe he just needs some time to grow up, or maybe not. But I obviously need to manage my expectations of him if I want to continue being his friend.

All of this led me straight back to where these things usually lead me: to The Only Living Boy in New York. The Only Living Boy in New York has many, many shortcomings, but he always makes me feel wanted, and that's what I need right now because Goose made me feel unwanted. When I told The Only Living Boy in New York that I liked him (both times), he said he just wanted to be friends. I figured that was just some male bullshit to blow me off, but he genuinely puts in effort to stay in touch and, when he can, spend time with me. I wish he had romantic feelings for me, but I still feel loved just because of how committed he is to the friendship. It makes me feel special, and when Goose is treating me like his dirty mistress, it's nice to feel special.

God Can Be Funny at a Cocktail Party When Listening to a Good God-Themed Joke

Do you know how I know that God is a man? Because if God were a woman, we females would not need males to perpetuate the species.

I have a male friend we can call Paprika. Paprika and I have never met in person. We know each other through a blog I used to have about four years ago. We emailed back and forth for awhile, got into a little tiff, and then I didn't hear from him again until about a year ago when he sent me a Facebook friend request. At the time, he told me that he found me because Facebook went through his email address book, found my email and sent me the request. This is bullshit. The email address he had for me was the one associated with the blog, not the one I use on Facebook. I don't even have that old email address anymore. This leads to the inevitable conclusions that: (1) he intentionally set out to find and friend me on Facebook and (2) he lied about it for some reason. Since we reconnected, we've talked almost every day, often multiple times per day, by email. When I say "multiple," I don't mean two or three. I mean upwards of a dozen times per day. I even helped him find his new job.

Now, it may seem strange that I have a close friend of several years acquaintance that I have never met in person. It seems strange to me, at least. I've floated the idea to Paprika several times of getting together in person, either in my city or his, and I invited him to join me on a weekend trip I have planned to Guatemala in November. On each occasion, he has rebuffed me. I told myself that these were obviously the terms on which he could offer his friendship -- we could know each other electronically but that was as far as it could go. It still seems pretty weird to me, but I like Paprika, so I'm willing to work within his parameters.

But now he's pissing me off. He's clearly so jealous of Goose he could spit. I know this primarily because he comments on Goose's physical appearance, calling him "tiny," "small-featured" and "Jewish-looking." (I'm not sure that "Jewish-looking" is an insult, but it didn't sound like a compliment either.) Goose is not a tall man (I estimate his height at about 5'9" or 5'10") but he's not a midget, and I don't think any of his features are particularly small (Goose would want me to note that his junk, in particular, is not small). My point isn't whether what Paprika says is true or not but rather that he is making an elementary play out of the Jealous Person's Playbook (which I wrote): denigrating the physical appearance of one's rival. He also theorized that Goose and I have about a month of awkward emails ahead of us, followed by never talking to one another again and that we should have just had sex on the trip because then we could have chalked it up to a vacation fling. Now, Paprika may be completely right about that. He may, in fact, possess the ability to see the future. I've stated repeatedly here and in my real life that the overwhelming odds have Goose and me never seeing one another again, regardless of how strong our connection felt when we were together. But the issue here is not what will happen between Goose and me but how much Paprika seems to hope for that outcome.

I told Paprika he was jealous and that maybe he should have taken me up on one of my many invitations to get together for a visit. He told me I was funny. Fine. Play that game. I admit that it's unlikely that Goose will be the man who takes me off the market, but it'll be somebody someday (I hope). In the meantime, Paprika needs either to put up or shut up. Assface.