"Why Are You So Far Away?" She Said "Why Won't You Ever Know That I'm In Love With You?"

It was hard to be in my old city and not contact The Only Living Boy in New York. I thought that maybe if I thought about him hard enough, he would appear out of thin air, but it turns out that that doesn't work. I guess all that reading of Lois Duncan books in my youth did not help my psychokinetic powers develop.

I keep thinking that it's going to get easier and I won't miss him so much. Some days, I feel fine, but other days, I think I'm going to have to break my hands to keep myself from emailing him. It helps that I don't know what I would say. I've already said (twice) that I basically love him and want the two of us to be together and his response (twice) has been, "Bored now." What else is there to say? The same thing, only louder? The same thing, only more desperate and pathetic? Lie to him and say that I don't still want the same things I wanted before, which will inevitably lead us back to saying the same thing again only louder, more desperate and more pathetic?

I wish that someone in real life would develop the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so I could just erase him from my brain and not feel sad and miss him any more. I'm proud of myself for staying strong and not emailing him, but I wish that I would magically feel better. I wish that I could find someone else to replace him, and I thought Snowflake might be that person, but he seems uncertain about whether he would like to apply for the job.

Ugh. I just want to scream.

My Mind Has Changed My Body's Frame, But, God, I Like It

The weight loss slowed down a little bit this week. I lost only 0.4 pounds, but it still beats gaining.

In other news, Snowflake and I went out for another cookie today. When I asked him about his plans for the weekend, he mentioned that he is going out of town to visit a girl he is "sort of" dating from his hometown (located no fewer than six hours away, so not exactly right around the corner). He indicated that although she is "nice" and "a cute girl" (lovely lukewarm sentiments), he isn't so into her because she's not "intellectually curious" and "the conversations are blah." I wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him while pointing out that his conversations with me are scintillating and effervescent. Despite the fact that I had to spend some of my Weight Watchers points on eating the cookie, it was worth it because I found out why he's been sending me these crazy mixed signals. If he doesn't know what's going on in his dating life, how can he possibly send out any kind of clear message one way or another about his level of interest in me?

If I Call You, Don't Make a Fuss, Don't Tell Your Friends About the Two of Us

Snowflake is officially a fuckwad. I thought he might contact me either to apologize for not returning my call or suggest alternate plans or both, but he didn't. I felt stupid, but as my mom pointed out, you can't assume people are lying every time they say something, at least until they prove themselves untrustworthy.

20 Years of Snow Falling...20 Years of Strangers Looking Into Each Other's Eyes

So, of course Snowflake acted like a jerk today. That must be Rule #1 in the manual The Only Living Boy in New York hands out at his Mixed Messages seminars. I got one joking email from him this morning, which was directed to two of our other friends at work as well as me. A little after two, I decided to call him (since he really isn't so great with email), and he said that he might have to get on a conference call between then and three, but he would call me back. For the record, his stupid ass must still be on that conference call because I haven't heard from him. Jerkwad.

Skinny Bitch

I have now lost 22 pounds! I am very proud of myself.

The cute guy from work (who probably ought to get a blog name, so I'll call him Snowflake) and I got a cookie together yesterday (he paid), which cost me a few Weight Watchers points but was worth it for the delicious treat and company. There was definite flirting, and we went for a little walk together and he stood so close to me that I was thinking, "Leave room for the holy spirit! Not." Today, we talked on the phone, and there was discussion of getting a cookie again tomorrow so I can treat him this time. I don't know if it will really happen, and I don't want to get my hopes up since Snowflake seems to have attended The Only Living Boy in New York's award-winning seminar on sending mixed signals, but we shall see. We're going to have to start making out soon so that at least if I'm cramming high-calories snacks into my maw, I can be counterbalancing it with the earning of activity points.