What Is and What Maybe Could Be Someday But Probably Won't

I talked to Mango yesterday and had the chance to employ the girlfriend-mentioning strategy advocated by Tilty. I think it was pretty effective. I asked whether he and his girlfriend had any plans for the weekend, and I inquired about her job search with numerous follow-up questions. He may now think I'm trying to write an unauthorized biography of his girlfriend, but she was definitely mentioned frequently enough that she could not have been far out of his mind during the entire conversation. Maybe I can make this friendship work after all.

What Is and What Should Never Be

I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about guys I've dated or wanted to date who are jerks, but I do have one former love interest who is an awesome guy.

This guy was a friend of mine for a year or so before we dated. A lot of drama went into the decision to try dating, mostly revolving around who was more interested than whom at what point in time. When we finally started dating, we managed to keep it together for only a matter of about two weeks before he called it off. He broke my heart, and I cried every day for a month. It took a lot of time and effort, but we eventually patched things up. By now, I think we've been friends for seven or eight years.

This guy and I have had some major fights during the course of our friendship, some of which involved whether or not to transition to a romantic relationship and some of which involved other things. Every time, we could have let the friendship end, and we usually didn't talk for a few months, but we always found our way back to being friends. I asked myself why that was when I flew to his city to visit him two years ago, and I determined that it was because he and I really love each other.

That realization begs the question: In what way do we love each other? I think the answer is: as good friends.

As I mentioned, this guy is fantastic. He's smart, he's funny, he's handsome, he's kind. He's everything that anyone could ever want. Since we live on opposite coasts now, we see each other rarely, but we keep in touch by phone and email. The past two times I've seen him (the aforementioned visit to his city two years ago and his current visit to my city), I've wondered whether our relationship might take a romantic turn again. After all, we love each other, we each think the other one is awesome, so what's the problem? Why on earth would we not want to be together? I don't know.

I guess I can blame it on chemistry, or maybe on fate. Neither of us seems attracted to each other in a romantic sense. Back when we tried dating, I think we both were trying to convince ourselves that we did, could or should have those feelings, but they weren't there. We're fated to be in each other's lives, but we're not romantically compatible. It's kind of a bummer, really. I mean, it's wonderful to have him as a friend, and I'm glad that our attempts to see if more was possible didn't ruin things, but it's hard to accept that the two of us can care about each other so much and still not be able to make a relationship work.

Boy, You Lookin' Like You Like What You See. Won't You Come Over and Check Up On It?

My work friend (who will henceforth be known as Mango) told me today that he liked my sweater. In my experience, when a heterosexual man compliments a woman on her attire, it's because he wants to sex her up. The only exceptions I can think of off the top of my head are if the man is solicited for his opinion or if it is the woman's wedding day. This is not helping my efforts to be just work friends.

My friend Tilty, herself a girlfriend of many years, told me that the best approach in this situation is for me to bring up Mango's girlfriend as much as possible. Tilty said that Mango's girlfriend needs to be the third person present (in spirit) at all times. That's a good idea in theory, but when a guy walks by your desk in full stride and tosses out a compliment, it's hard to yell after him, "Thanks! Does your girlfriend have a similar sweater?"

The Look of Love

I recently made a new friend at work. This guy is cute, smart and funny, but he's a little socially awkward and is thus kind of an office oddball. I didn't like him when I first met him, but he has grown on me over time. I'm attracted to him, and I get the vibe that he is attracted to me as well.

But.

He has a live-in girlfriend. Even though "romantic attractions to guys with girlfriends" is second on my list of much-loved activities right after "darting to and fro between various foreign countries," I'm trying to reform. Getting interested in guys with girlfriends has led only to tears in the past, and I have no reason to believe it won't continue to lead there in the future. I still think this guy is nice, and I'd like to develop with him a workplace friendship of convenience that makes the day pass more pleasantly for both of us. Win-win!

But.

The dude is giving off serious vibes of being interested. I'm not saying he acts like he's interested in dumping his girlfriend and taking up with me, but he's interested in seeing me in my pajamas for sure. I was in his office today trying to get him to trade my crumpled, ripped dollar bill for a crisper one that the vending machine in our office (a finicky beast) would take, and he gave me total sex daggers when I leaned across his desk to take the money from him. I thought I might have flashed him some boob, but when I leaned over in the bathroom to see what he might have seen, the girls were locked and loaded and not trying to leap into anyone's field of vision. Trouble is brewing here.

If They Say "Why? Why?," Tell 'Em That It's Human Nature

I got a Facebook friend request from The New Guy this morning. This bolsters my opinion that men think that if they just wait for the appropriate length of time, the woman they have offended will have forgotten their anger and the relationship can be reset. Gentlemen of the world, this is not so.

I would love to unleash my resentment of The New Guy as freely as I spewed forth my anger at The Only Living Boy in New York, but The New Guy is abusive and insane enough to make me afraid for my safety if I provoke him. So, I will just ignore him instead.

They Say the Next Big Thing is Here, That the Revolution's Near, But to Me It Seems Quite Clear

I love history. Lately, I have been listening to audio books (since I can do that while I work) by Antonia Fraser and Alison Weir about Louis XIV of France and the wives of Henry VIII of England. Even though the Sun King's reign ended almost 300 years ago in 1715 and the Fat King's reign ended even longer ago in 1547, there are lessons with modern-day applicability to be learned from the their stories and those of their wives and children. To wit:

1. You never know what twists fate might take. When Francoise d'Aubigne became the governess to Louis XIV's bastard children by his mistress, Athenais the marquise of Montespan, I doubt she thought she would one day become his wife in a morganatic marriage. Since the marriage was never formally confirmed and Francoise was therefore not Louis XIV's queen, the common assumption is that they married for love. I find it hard to imagine falling in love with a man after riding herd over his passel of illegitimate brats, but apparently it can happen.

2. You have to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. When Kenny Rogers shared those immortal words with us, he may have been thinking of Katherine of Aragon. Ol' Katherine married her dead husband's brother, which would have been considered incest at that time if the first marriage had been consummated. Many historians believe it was not, and Katherine certainly harped on the fact of her virginity until the veins stood out in her forehead. In the end, all she did was to make things harder on herself and her child by not twigging to the fact that the king didn't give two shits about her virginity at the time of her marriage. He wanted to marry Anne Boleyn, the old queen was in the way, and he was going to win no matter if Katherine of Aragon had five hymens on their wedding night. Had she agreed, at the very least, to release him from the marriage by going to a convent, she would have had a much better time of it. Certainly Anna of Cleves, Henry VIII's fourth wife, figured this out. When Henry decided she was too ugly to get it up for (I am being crude, but his own accounts at the time were not much classier), she consented to annul the marriage and got to live pretty well after that.

3. Just because someone is your soul mate doesn't mean the marriage will work out. Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn were mad for each other, pretty much literally. They swirled around each other for seven years while Katherine of Aragon was busy being shrill and missing the point, and it took only about five seconds of being married for things to turn to crap. About three years after their marriage, he chose to break up with her by cleaving her head from her body. (Sub-point: Don't get involved with someone who can lawfully have your head chopped off.)

4. There is no sense in holding grudges because someone who hurts you today may help you tomorrow. Elizabeth I had Mary, Queen of Scots beheaded, but then she allowed Mary, Queen of Scots's son, James VI, to succeed her to the throne. It may seem like no one could ever do something to make it up to you after they murdered your mother, but bequeathing to you the throne of England would be a good start.

April, Fools.

One year ago today, I found out that I was being let go from my job. Early 2009 had been pretty good to me. I got involved with The New Guy, and I thought we would probably be married before long. I had been doing well at work after receiving some negative reviews the previous fall (these reviews were unfair, but they nonetheless existed and were something I had to overcome in spite of not having deserved them in the first place). My estranged friend Sniffles had sent me a birthday card in March 2009 in the hope of reconciliation, and I had strongly considered it because I was so happy and wanted to share that happiness with my former friend.

It was truly amazing how quickly everything changed. The New Guy and my employer nearly simultaneously revealed themselves to be duplicitous and unkind jerks. After that, my life went spinning off down a path I had not anticipated. I moved, I went to Peru and met Goose, I worked at various temporary jobs. There were good moments, but it was not a good year.

It was, however, an eventful year. I learned how much change can be packed into one short year. When I found out I was losing my job, I thought I would have a new one before my three-month lame duck period at my old job elapsed. I never dreamed that a year later, I would still want for permanent employment. And, of course, I am not married or even dating anyone at the moment.

Right now, I feel like I'm just treading water. Everything I do is just to keep my head above the surface, and none of it feels like I'm advancing toward my goal or toward any positive outcome at all. I send off resumes and hear nothing. The last two interviews I have had did not result in job offers, and the companies did not even have the courtesy to send me a rejection letter. (I have to say that I think that is very rude. If someone goes to the trouble of being interviewed, the company owes that person the courtesy of a rejection letter.) I've entirely abandoned any serious thoughts of dating. I try to remind myself that I can't know what seeds I've sown will germinate, but it feels like none of them ever will.

I'm trying to remind myself that just as things changed dramatically from April 2009 to April 2010, things might change equally dramatically (and, I hope, for the better this time) between April 2010 and April 2011. I'm just so ready for this ordeal of the employment search to end. It seems like other people I know are finding other jobs with ease, and that makes me feel more discouraged than ever. I know I have to keep trying, but it's hard to keep up my enthusiasm for the project. I am tired of looking for a job. I am tired of getting advice from my friends on what I "should" do (all of them seem to think I should be a writer, which is very flattering, but it's not exactly something you can just magically do and I think it pays only a few people very well at all). I just want to get a job that is at least moderately enjoyable and have some real health insurance again.