I'm Starting With the Man in the Mirror

I quit my job!

Yes, that sound you hear is a gospel choir singing "Hallelujah."

I was offered that other temp job today, and I jumped on that shit. I'm taking a pay cut to go there, so I was a little reluctant, but I'm doing it anyway. When I was growing up, my mom used to keep a page from a page-a-day calendar on her office bulletin board with the quote, "Unhappiness can be a great motivator if we don't get too comfortable with it." I normally don't pay any attention to platitudes like that, but that one stuck with me, and it applies in this situation.

I was unhappy at my day job, but it had three things going for it. First and most importantly, it paid better than other temp jobs available to me. Second, it was familiar. I've had a lot of changes in the past year, which has made me cherish the familiar, even if the familiar is also unpleasant. Third, even though I was unhappy, it was usually a manageable level of unhappiness. My supervisor was predictably shitty to me -- he didn't try to get creative with his shitty behavior, probably because he isn't smart enough to innovate. In other words, I became comfortable with my unhappiness and it wasn't motivating me to find something better.

I feel good about making this change. It might not lead to a better employment situation, but I feel empowered because I took action to change a bad situation instead of just complaining about it.

If You Wanna Make the World a Better Place, Take a Look at Yourself and Then Make a Change

It's no secret that I haven't been happy about my employment situation, populated as my workplace is by abusive bullies. I have considered many times whether I ought to quit even before I find another job to replace this one, just to salvage some sanity and self-esteem, especially since I have a second income through my night job.

I have stayed thus far because this job pays significantly more than any other unskilled temporary position I have seen in the marketplace -- almost twice as much, in fact. Financially, staying is the right choice.

Today, I received an email about a temp position that caught my eye. It pays less than my current day job but more than a lot of what I've seen advertised. I think it pays enough that I could make the financial transition with minimal pain. I sent in my materials, and I am now being considered.

My biggest concern about taking this job (if it's offered to me) is whether I'm going from one negative workplace environment to another equally negative one for less money. In other words, am I jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire? Throughout my struggles to deal with my career setback in the economic downturn, I've been trying to learn some recession lessons that I might be able to carry with me during rosier times. One question I'm asking myself right now is whether, when faced with an insupportable situation like the one at my day job, it is a good idea to take a risk even knowing that it might fail.

Taking chances and making changes are both hard. I'm comfortable taking chances in certain areas of my life (witness my love of travel) but not others (witness my constant choice of unavailable men). Based on my selection of law as a profession, I would say that I am uncomfortable taking chances when it comes to my career. Being laid off has made me even more risk-averse because my self-confidence is bruised, making me less likely to believe in my own instincts.

I hope that one day, when I look back on this period of adversity in my life, I see it as a time of tremendous personal growth. I have spent the past year or so outside of my comfort zone more often than ever before, and this instance is another example of that. Normally, when faced with a decision of whether to stay in a shitty job that pays well and is familiar or leave for a different, lower-paying job that might also be shitty, I would stay with the pat hand. Now, I'm at least trying to change jobs in the hope of being happier at work even though there is a chance that I won't be.

It's Always the Same, It's Just a Shame, That's All

When I got home from my vacation on Sunday, I found the rejection letter from the place I interviewed before I left. That was a big let-down.

I had reservations about going to this firm. I wasn't enamored of the idea of moving back to the Bean (though I wasn't strongly opposed to it either) and I heard that this firm treated some of its employees really poorly (though that probably describes every major law firm in this economic climate). I wasn't sure I wanted to be in a job working almost exclusively for one partner, subject entirely to his whims and moods. In other words, given that I need to stay with my next employer for a minimum of three years, it might not have been a great situation for me. That said, I was deeply disappointed to be passed over. Maybe a day will come when I look back and think I dodged a bullet, but today is not that day. I thought I did well at the interview, or at least that I did my best, and it hurts not to be chosen.

Coming back from vacation was really hard today. I don't think anyone is happy on the first day back to work after a fun trip, but I was completely miserable. It was so refreshing to be away from work and away from all the attendant indignities and humiliations that accompany each and every day of this job. People treated me like a human being, worthy of respect.

Sitting at my desk, I contemplated my choices. Basically, I can quit or I can stay. If I quit, all evidence suggests that I won't be able to replace the job with another similarly-paying temp job. I guarantee that after a week of gleeful elation and triumph over quitting my hated job, panic will set in and I will stop remembering the truth of how awful the job is and start regretting that I surrendered a decently-paying temp assignment. If I stay, the job will continue eroding my already-diminished self-esteem. These are not great choices.

The best case scenario is obviously to leave the job under the positive circumstances of finding alternate employment elsewhere. So far, this has not happened. On the positive side, I've been getting more interest from employers in interviewing me lately, which is encouraging. On the negative side, none of these interviews has led to an offer of employment. It's demoralizing to continue sending out resume after resume (usually at least five per day) and going on the occasional interview without anything to show for it. When I talk to other people, I can feel their relief at not being me rolling off of them like a tidal wave. I'm afraid that when I actually do find a job, I won't have anything left to give my employer. I'm even more afraid that I'll never find a job at all.

And Now For Something Completely Different

I had my interview yesterday. I think it went okay. The most interesting part about it was that I switched up my usual interview style for something completely different.

I knew when I applied for this job and was invited for an interview that I didn't have the exact type of experience they were looking for. However, it doesn't say on my resume that I do. Their decision to interview me anyway made me think that they were willing to train a new employee, possibly because no one with a lot of experience applied. The partner who interviewed me asked me about my experience in his practice area, and I told him about one related transaction and a few semi-related transactions, but he didn't seem impressed. I started to feel like the interview wasn't going well. Honestly, it pissed me off a little bit because I paid for expensive train tickets to get to the interview and took a day off without pay to be there. My resume details my experience, and they shouldn't have invited me for an interview if it was insufficient.

At that point in the interview, I had a mini-dialogue with myself that took place in about a millisecond. I decided that I wanted to be offered this job. I hate my current day job (my night job is okay, but it's petering out), and while I'm not so keen on moving, I could wrap my mind around it. I liked the partner I met, and I could see myself being satisfied working with him. So, I had only one real option if I wanted to give myself any chance at getting an offer: sell myself.

I am not good at self-promotion. In the past, I haven't needed to be. My resume and my accomplishments speak for themselves, and employers took note. In this economy, with so many similarly highly-qualified applicants looking for work, my credentials alone will probably not be enough to land me a job. In this situation, I did everything I could to convince the interviewer that my personality is a good fit for the firm's culture and that I am a smart person who will pick up the work quickly to compensate for my lack of experience.

I don't know if it will work. The partner may have mentally checked out of the interview the minute he heard about my experience shortage. But this was the only play available to me, and I tried to make the most of it. I'm proud of myself for trying something new, and I hope the gambit pays off.

I should say that I didn't try the drastic maneuver that Mango advocated, which was to exaggerate my experience. According to his shady ass, my unwillingness to lie means I will not last long in the legal profession. Personally, I'm hoping to get this job, but I'd rather not get it and be honest about my experience than deceive my employer into hiring me. It's not like they won't figure out that I lied, and then I'd probably get fired. I have enough problems without that blot on my escutcheon.

The Tyranny of Evil Men

I learned something yesterday about the corporate culture of my day job that helped me to understand why everyone thinks my temp supervisor is so delightful when he is, in fact, a complete weenis. The managing partner of the firm thinks it's appropriate to scream obscenities at his subordinates (i.e., everyone) until they cry. The Ghost of Christmas Future said that he yells at his secretary when she leaves her desk to go to the bathroom. What is the poor woman supposed to do? Pee in her trash can? Rumor has it that she keeps a journal of everything he says to her, and I hope she uses that information to sue his ass off one day. (I'm not really sure what cause of action she could use. As I understand it, one defense to a claim of hostile work environment is that the defendant was an asshole to everyone. Nice.)

When the leader of the firm sets the example that it is perfectly acceptable to be abusive to underlings, then how can I be surprised that my temp supervisor is horrible to me? When you compare his passive-aggressive pettiness to the cruelty of his ultimate boss, he looks like a sweetie-pie.

Do I Make Your Heart Beat Like an 808 Drum? Is My Love Your Drug?

Mango is a shitty boyfriend. Besides the facts that he moved in with his girlfriend to avoid finding a warm grate on which to make his home and that he has no intention of either marrying her or telling her he doesn't want to marry her (facts that are pretty damning), he is also not thoughtful.

I asked him today if he would get me a cookie when he went out to get his lunch. I started out about halfway kidding about it, but when he humorlessly refused, I got annoyed. He told me that he doesn't even get his girlfriend cookies when she asks for them. At that point, I scratched him right off my list of potential boyfriends.

It's one thing for him to refuse to get me a cookie, even though he was pretty much just being a dick. But his girlfriend asks him for cookies and he doesn't provide them? No. That is breaking the basic code of conduct for being a boyfriend. I don't expect a man to read my mind, but if I ask him to give me something specific, and it is within his power to do so, then I expect him to do it. I think men are hardwired to provide for the women they like. It's embedded into their DNA as hunter-gatherers. In my opinion, if I ask a man to hunt and gather for me and he won't do it, then he's not very interested in me and is kind of a shithead.

Casey Jones, You'd Better Watch Your Speed

Sometimes, I think the only reason my temp supervisor hasn't tried to get me fired yet is because he'd hate to miss out on the chance to be a dick to me. I emailed him this morning to alert him to the fact that I'm going to be out of town on Wednesday. I let him know that I'm going to be spending seven or eight hours on the Acela train, which has wireless internet access (the only thing I need to do my job), and requested permission to work remotely. He sent me a response email just saying, "You cannot work remotely." No explanation, no reason. Just no.

I understand that working remotely is a privilege and not a right. But I have asked to work remotely only once before, and I don't think it's unreasonable to work remotely once every couple months. I'm going to be stuck on a train for the span of a work day, and I thought it would be beneficial both to me and to my employer for me to use that to work. Apparently, he prefers to be petty and vindictive than to make money for the firm by having an employee do billable work. I also think that unless you are a parent telling a child to do something, "no" is not a sufficient response. It needs to be no plus a reason, like, "No, because we're not allowing anyone to work remotely." Right now, I just feel like he's saying no to me because he doesn't like me.

I really don't understand what this guy's problem is. I get the sense that I offended him or pissed him off somehow (as opposed to the possibility that he just doesn't like me because our personalities don't gel) to his petty, unprofessional behavior. Whatever I did, it was unintentional. I hate confronting problems directly, but if I thought it would help, I would ask him what I did to offend him in the hopes of clearing the air and moving on to a more productive relationship. With his personality, I think that would do more harm than good.

I feel so frustrated. I can't really leave this job right now, but I am constantly panicked that he's going to try to find a way to get rid of me. He's the only supervisor-level attorney who works with the temps, so if he bad-mouths me to his superiors, there isn't anyone to stick up for me. Also, everyone else in the firm adores him. Every single day, at least one person tells me how nice he is. It's like I'm living in The Emperor's New Clothes but instead of the emperor being naked, the emperor is a colossal dickweed. I'm putting a lot of unhealthy pressure on myself to knock Wednesday's interview out of the park just because I'm desperate to move on to a new and (one hopes) better position. Until I can find something else, I guess I just have to tolerate him.