Leaving Las Vegas

Las Vegas is becoming my new Toronto. I have planned to visit Toronto with two different men I've been interested in. Guess how many times I've been to Toronto. Zero. Las Vegas is starting to become the same way.

The more I think about Goose's announcement that he is planning to come to Las Vegas in early 2010, the more tense I feel. After much consultation with friends and family as well as much soul searching, I concluded that I must tell him we can only see each other if he's single.

If Goose and I see each other, we are going to have sex. If that happens when we're both single, it could be sticky. If that happens when he's in a relationship, it will definitely be a nightmare. I'll be broken-hearted and feel used, and he'll be disgusted with himself and never talk to me again. Also, I'll probably have wasted a bunch of money going to see him for the privilege of feeling cheap. And of course, it's disrespectful to his girlfriend (though I won't lie -- that's the least of my worries). Insisting upon his single status as a condition to visiting is the right thing to do.

So why don't I feel better about it? Basically, I think that if I tell Goose how it is, he's going to tell me that he prefers to remain in his relationship and forgo the chance to see me, which is also going to break my heart (though for less money than if I traveled to Las Vegas to let him do it in person). I also really want to see him. I love this man, and I think he's the one. There's a big part of me that says I should be content with whatever level of involvement he chooses to have with me, even if it means I just get the crumbs. It's not exactly that I feel I deserve so little; it's that a big part of me would rather have crumbs from Goose than the entirety of someone I want less.

In truth, I think I'm going to lose Goose either way. I don't think he'll choose me over his girlfriend, and I don't think he'd ever speak to me again if he cheated on his girlfriend with me. (When I say "cheated," I mean physically. There are extremely persuasive arguments to be made that he has already cheated on her emotionally with me and that inviting me to spend time with him while he's here on business would be further emotional cheating even if he keeps his hands to himself.) It's just a matter of how I want things to end, and I guess I would rather they end while I still have a little dignity.