Bills, Bills, Bills

My new year's resolution for 2010 is to pay off my credit card debt.

I'm sure I'm not alone in having an amount of credit card debt that freaks me out a little bit, but everyone who finds themselves in that situation gets there their own way. I've made numerous attempts over the years to rid myself of the scourge of credit card debt without success. I started thinking about that today, and it occurs to me that I failed because I never addressed the underlying issues that lead me to overspend.

Overspending, for me, is like overeating. It's pretty much exactly like overeating. The two problems both originate from issues of control, punishing myself, shame and a sense of lack. I grew up feeling like I never had enough love from my father, so I tried to fill the void with food and goods. I hate feeling out of control of my life, so I cheer myself up when things get hairy with rewards of food and goods. When I see a reading on the scale or the balance on my credit card statements, I feel ashamed of my lack of self-control, which then leads to further binging. And at some level, I suppose all this emanates from a feeling that I don't deserve real love and happiness, so I try to make do with substitutes.

I've more or less got my food issues in hand. I'm far from perfect, and it's a constant struggle, but I'm doing pretty well. Now it's time to address the overspending.

Two things need to happen in concert for me to be done with this issue. First, I need to make enough money to be able to pay off my outstanding debt. To that end, I started working a second job a few weeks ago. At this point, I've earned enough money to pay off the smallest of my three credit card bills, so I'm happy about that. The job could end at any time, but at least I'm making progress. Second, I have to believe I deserve real love, real things, real happiness. That's the part I haven't quite figured out yet.