He Said, "You're Really an Ugly Girl"

I do not have thick hair. I accept this about myself. I wish I had the hair of Serena van der Woodsen (and so does Blake Lively, because homegirl wears a lot of extensions), but this is just not what genetics has in store for me. Fine.

When I was in school, I saw a dermatologist to have a mole removed, and she noticed that my hair seemed to be thinning a little on top. (I had just discontinued the use of birth control and lost a little hair in the process.) She told me to start using Rogaine to regenerate the hair, and even though I did it, I hated it. Rogaine is a product for men who are losing their hair. I'm a woman. I'm not supposed to lose my hair. Having to use Rogaine made me feel unfeminine and unattractive (though admittedly not as unfeminine and unattractive as a bald spot). I used it for awhile until my dermatologist was satisfied that my little hair follicles had been whipped back into hair-growing shape, and then I discontinued it.

It's hard to convey the sense of shame I felt at having to use Rogaine and at having this thinning hair problem. I hid the Rogaine in my apartment with a level of secretiveness that I probably would not have used to hide, say, my heroin kit. I struggle with feeling attractive, and I'm not a dainty Tinkerbell of a girl, so having to use a product for men just made me feel more butch.

Those feelings came rushing back up to the surface when Cindy Kim suggested I take an anti-androgen medication to cure my (alleged) acne. I wanted to punch him with my manly fists because it made me feel like there was something wrong with me that I would need to take medication to suppress male hormones. (Maybe this is how Jamie Lee Curtis feels about those persistent rumors that she is a hermaphrodite.) Then today, I went to my dermatologist, and she brought up, sua sponte, my fucking thinning hair. I was devastated. I thought my hair was looking better. And now I have to go back on fucking Rogaine again and Propecia, which are both medications for men, and the most I can hope for is to retain the hair I currently have. Plus, my dermatologist recommended that I use Bumble + Bumble's hair powder, which, let me be the first to tell you, is basically spray-on hair. Like from those cheesy infomercials. Spray-on hair. I have no dignity left because my hair comes from an aerosol can. Plus, PLUS, I am now on yet another medication for my acne, so I am currently taking one oral antibiotic and two topical creams for the acne. And all of these medications are expensive, especially the Propecia, which is not covered by insurance (though bizarrely, you can get a AAA discount on it). It is expensive to be ugly.

I just feel so demoralized. I am paying good money to have unwanted hair on the rest of my body permanently lasered away, and yet I am trying like hell to get some hair to grow on top of my head (and in the meantime, I am just going to spray on fucking fake hair out of a fucking CAN). I feel so unattractive and butch and gross. I just want to be feminine and pretty with clear skin and a reasonable amount of hair. Not even thick hair! Just a reasonable amount! But alas, it is not to be.