You Say I Only Hear What I Want To

The Cindy Kim has forced me to face some harsh truths about myself. Specifically, I am confronted squarely with the fact that while I frequently profess to want to be in a relationship, my actions say otherwise.

It is no secret that I am routinely attracted to men who are unavailable, usually because they're involved in other relationships but sometimes also because they are too emotionally stunted to give of themselves to another person. I have blamed the girlfriend-having problem with the fact that, at my stage of life, most people are paired off, so most men you meet are already committing their resources elsewhere. That's true to an extent, but I think the real problem is that I don't feel safe enough to let my guard down enough to truly like a man and let him like me unless I know nothing can happen between us.

Sometimes, to be fair to myself, I have been surprised by the revelation that a girlfriend existed after I started to develop feelings for a guy. Such was the case with one whom we shall call The Only Living Boy in New York. He and I fraternized at my old job for about six weeks before he slipped the girlfriend into conversation, and even then, he mentioned her only in passing and only to point out something about which she liked to complain. I can't blame myself for being interested in him up to that point because I thought I was dealing with a single guy who was giving off the impression of being interested in me. But I continued (and continue) to invest in the relationship even after the girlfriend was revealed, I moved to a different city several hours away, and I told him how I felt about him and he told me he wanted to stay with his girlfriend. Don't get me wrong -- he's a nice guy and I enjoy emailing with him, but when I think about it, I see that his main appeal to me as a love interest is his unavailability. I can let him see me because nothing is going to come of it.

I don't know why I sabotage myself like this. I'm sure part of it is that being in a relationship is messy and unpredictable, and I like being in control. Another part of it is that as much as being in a relationship has its allure, I am accustomed to being independent and having only myself (and Teh Doggeh) to answer to. Another part of it is that I've been hurt in the past, and I'm not anxious to get hurt again (although this is really the lamest part, since liking unavailable people is like a trapdoor into Getting Hurt).

I also don't know what to do about this now that I've really identified and acknowledged it as a problem. My usual impulse is to formulate a plan of very intense action to eradicate the problem (this is why Blair is my favorite character on Gossip Girl, the greatest show ever on television). But this time, I think that's the wrong approach (sorry, Blair). I think I just have to give myself a break. The hardest part is probably owning up to this tendency and admitting that I have misgivings about being in any kind of romantic relationship. Once the problem moves out of the subconscious and into the conscious, maybe it will take care of itself while I take care of myself.