I Can Tell That We Are Gonna Be Friends

Cindy Kim and I are officially just friends.

We went out to dinner last night, and the topic of his party came up. He asked again whether I had liked any of his friends, and I used this second opportunity to ask him whether he was trying to fix me up with one of them. He said that he didn't have any particular one in mind, but that he thought I might be interested in one of them. He mentioned that his female friends tell him that it's hard to meet a nice guy. He also said, "Just go ahead and order it. You're not on a date," in response to my consideration of whether I was going to order this really fatty menu item. As the conversation wore on, I was able to bring up our mutual friend's statement that he (Cindy Kim) dates only Jewish girls. Cindy Kim confirmed that this is true, and that he doesn't even allow for the possibility that a nice, non-Jewish girl might convert because something doesn't sit right with him about a religious conversion being motivated by a desire to get married to a particular person rather than true belief in that religion. (Which...okay, fair enough.)

At first, I was disappointed to discover for sure that we are in the friends realm. I have not enjoyed being confused about the status of our relationship, but thinking that Cindy Kim liked me made me consider him more carefully and realize that he is a caring, thoughtful, funny person (acne comment notwithstanding). Even though I wasn't initially open to the idea of a relationship with him, I came to believe that he is at least the kind of person I would want to be with. But as the evening continued and I thought about it, I decided that knowing our status, even if it was a little disappointing, was better because not having to wonder what the status was allowed me to relax and enjoy his company.

I also think that Cindy Kim does like me. I did not imagine the times that he referenced our being on a date, and he clearly thinks about me when I'm not around. He also wore the shirt I bought him on our outing last night. But, I'm not Jewish and converting wouldn't cut the mustard for him, so friendship is the farthest we can go. It's not personal. I'm just not Jewish, and he is, and that's that.

Because I feel the need to constantly learn lessons from these kinds of situations, I have come up with two take-away points from this Cindy Kim situation. First, the desire or lack of desire of one person to be in a relationship with another person is not personal. In the case of Cindy Kim and me, it's easy to believe that because I can blame Judaism. But even the instances where there are no identifiable obstacles to the relationship, and where it is hard not to take the object of one's affections' lack of interest personally, it really isn't personal. You like who you like. Who likes you likes you. Second, I need to be more open-minded about dating and give people more of a chance. Cindy Kim was not someone with whom I initially wanted to be in a relationship, but when I allowed myself to really consider the possibility, it started to appeal to me. Cindy Kim and I discussed last night how some people's steady state is being single and some people's steady state is being in a relationship. I am definitely a member of the former group. As much as I profess an interest in meeting someone, when I was confronted with the possibility of being in a relationship with Cindy Kim, I shut up like a clam. The idea of having to be emotionally and physically vulnerable with someone scared me, and my immediate response was to tense up and shut down. I really had to force myself even to think about whether it was something I might want to do enough to overcome those knee-jerk reactions (which had nothing to do with Cindy Kim himself). Cindy Kim, thanks to Judaism, turned out to be a test of the emergency broadcast system, but if I meet someone with whom there is the actual possibility of a relationship, I am going to have to work hard to stay out of my own way.

So, anyway, I'm still a little bummed about the Cindy Kim situation withering on the vine, but at least I know now. We still have fun together, and we have things in common that we like to talk about, so I think we'll continue on as we are now.