Baby Vamp

I succumbed (suck-umbed?) to the call of the Twilight series this weekend. I didn't have any plans, as per usual, so I bought all three of the books and read them. The books are long, but since they are aimed at young adult readers, they don't take very much time to read. I remain convinced that L.J. Smith's The Vampire Diaries were a major inspiration for this series, but they were entertaining books. My only complaint is that the heroine ends up with the guy I was rooting against (this always happens to me -- I rooted for Felicity and Noel, Joey and Dawson, Sydney Bristow and Will, Jim Halpert and Karen, etc.), but they were pretty good.

Other than reading these vampire books, I ate. I recently (as in, last Wednesday) decided to join Weight Watchers online, and I don't think I've ever been hungrier. Weight Watchers has a choice of two plans, but the one I chose allows me to eat any amount of food I want as long as I choose from a list a of "core foods." So, if I feel like eating a whole jar of dill pickles, that's no problem. I can also eat as much 94% fat-free microwave popcorn and drink as much Diet Coke as I want.

Why did I join Weight Watchers? I don't really think I'm fat, though I have to concede that I'm at the larger end of mainstream sizing. Lately, I've been going to a more challenging exercise class and the changes I've noticed in my body have made me more confident that I've been in a long time. Bizarrely, I think the very fact that I've been feeling better about myself influenced my decision -- like, I felt like I deserved to feel even better about myself than I already do. I would be lying if I didn't also concede that The Only Living Boy in New York played a role in the decision. I don't honestly think that my physical appearance impacted his decision because the fact that someone is aesthetically pleasing does not always mean you want to be in a relationship with that person and sometimes, you want to be in relationships with people who are not traditionally good-looking. However, if and when I run into him again, I don't want him to think, "There's what I'm definitely not missing." It's kind of the same strategy Anne Hathaway is employing against Raffaelo Follieri. Plus, I really need to stop attracting these emotionally unavailable men (The Only Living Boy in New York is just Puffy Redux, but there have been others as well like Doug Funny). Maybe if I felt better about myself, I would attract guys who felt better about themselves. Or maybe I would attract more guys period, and I could weed out the emotionally damaged ones.

I have some definite concerns about losing weight. The first and silliest is the feeling that I don't want to date anybody who wouldn't have been attracted to me at my larger size, assuming I succeed in losing weight. That's just dumb, but it's something I think about. The second is that I want to make sure that as I'm effectuating a physical change, I'm dealing with the psychological aspects as well. I mean, I didn't let my weight get to a level with which I'm not comfortable because I was just that hungry. Eating has an emotional component for me as well as a physical one, and I would say the emotional is more important. Food is something I've had a love-hate relationship with my whole life, and a few years ago, I just decided to stop caring about what I ate or trying to go on a diet. The first diet I can remember being on was when I was eight years old, and I was off and on them basically until I went to law school. I think that taking that time just to eat what I wanted without judging myself had the healthy effect of breaking me of the shame associated with eating, but it didn't cure me of the desire to use food to self-soothe. If I'm upset, my first thought is to eat either because I want to feel the comfort of building a protective layer of fat around myself or because I want to punish myself by being fatter. My weight has yo-yoed over the years almost as much as Oprah's, and while I'm not at the biggest I've ever been, I'm probably toward the top end. I think the reason I haven't sustained any of the weight losses I've achieved over the years is because I never dealt with the psychological motivations for eating (well, that and the fact that I haven't always used the healthiest methods to lose weight). It's not something I'm going to resolve in one night, but if I hope to make any kind of lasting change in my life, it must be addressed.

Maybe if lose weight, I can find myself a cute vampire and/or werewolf boyfriend like Bella in the Twilight series.