Take This Job and Shove It?

My mom gave me the full-court press today on quitting my day job.

When I first started interviewing with law firms, my law school's career services office talked a lot about the "culture" of particular firms. I always thought they were bullshitting me. How can an office have a culture? Now that I've worked at a few places, I see they were right.

My day job's culture is not a good fit for me. I can't tell if I'm a lot smarter or a lot dumber than my co-workers, but I find myself feeling like I don't get it and don't fit in. For example, in our document review, there's a side issue we're supposed to keep an eye out for, and, if we find it, we're supposed to tag the document as highly confidential. I thought this was a tangential issue, but we've been getting emails with sample documents attached every day this week. I can't tell how any one group of documents materially differs from any other, so I'm wondering if I just don't get whatever it is I'm supposed to be learning or if the rest of the group just enjoys repeating themselves. If I'm making mistakes on this coding issue, then continuing to send these documents is not correcting the issue. If I'm not making mistakes, then there is no need to waste my time with these documents. This is just one minor situation, but it provides insight into my basic problem with this job. It's like having someone tell you a joke that you don't think is funny even after you hear the explanation.

Mom's thinks that my dissatisfaction with the job will lead to my having a bad attitude and getting fired for something like insubordination. I hope that I manage to avoid taking a surly tone with anyone at work (the fact that I rarely see anyone else from the group and communication is typically by email has to help me), but I can't swear that I haven't. Mom contends that, since I have a night job that provides me with an income, I should quit my day job.

I don't like being clubbed about the head with my mom's opinions, but she has a point. If you hate your job, you aren't going to do a good job at it. But right now, I don't feel comfortable handing in my notice because I don't have a replacement job. I was able to live on the income from my night job before I had my day job, but it was tight. With two jobs, I'm able to work on paying off my credit card bills. If I succeed in finishing that project, I hope to save money. I need to get a little more excited about finding another job though because the situation at work is not untenable yet, but I could see it going that way.

Thirteen Going on Thirty

I'm back from my birthday travels! It was a great trip with my family, but now I'm exhausted, and I have a sunburn on my scalp. (That's always a delight, especially when it starts to peel.)

I'm hoping to start down new, more positive paths in this next decade of my life. While I was away, I decided it was time to shake off my case of nerves concerning my dealings with my insurance guy. I emailed him today to thank him for his concern (regarding my finance issues) but tell him that I'm still canceling the policy. I didn't want to be nasty to him, but I wanted to be firm. I think I accomplished that goal. If I end up finding another lucrative, permanent job, I will pursue other investment vehicles anyway (possibly through another agent, since I'm still a little huffy with this fellow for not immediately bringing up this issue when I got laid off).

I'm also hoping to cauterize my Goose-related wounds. No one will be surprised to hear that he did not acknowledge my birthday at all. After I knit him a beautiful scarf for his birthday, he didn't even write "happy birthday" on my Facebook wall, a feat performed by many people I barely know and rarely speak to. Unacceptable. Unacceptable. No more.

So, at this point, I'm still trying to get unpacked from my trip and get photos together to send back to local people we met who agreed to be in photos with us and who I promised to send copies of the photos to. I'm also trying to wash volcano dust out of the handbag I took on the trip, which is a new one for me, and find places to display all the treasures I brought home with me.

I decided the tone for my next decade was set by a little episode that occurred on my birthday. When my family and I were descending from our hike to the top of the volcano, we ran into some American tourists who had run out of batteries in their camera. This is a major bummer for many obvious reasons, not least of which is the fact that we were in one of the few countries in the world that allows tourists to monkey around atop active volcanoes. I had spare batteries in my voluminous handbag and was able to save their day by giving them some. They were incredibly appreciative. The good karma from that act should start me off in the right direction.

Your Own Personal Jesus

I went to high school with a lot of evangelical Protestants -- the type of people who hand out pamphlets with Biblical evidence to disprove evolution or the Big Bang theory. My family is not religious, but I see the appeal. When you participate in a religion, you receive a system to help you deal with the world and commune with forces beyond yourself. Everyone needs to do these things.

If you don't attach yourself to a religion, then you're left to figure out how to cope with the joys and pains of life on your own. You have to ask yourself questions like, "What is my relationship with a higher power, or do I even believe one exists?" or "What will I see as ethical or unethical behavior?" In my family, we're making it up as we go along. I envied my evangelical buddies in high school because someone else already created a solution to those dilemmas that they could adopt as their own.

Something similar is happening to me now as I try to figure out what my life will be in my post-layoff world. When I worked at a big law firm, my choices were made for me. The culture of those firms dictated my values and goals, so I didn't have to give those matters much thought. Now that I'm out on my own, I'm struggling to make these decisions for myself. I hope it will ultimately be more rewarding, but it is definitely more difficult.

Since travel is my passion in life, I've been considering whether the long-term travel lifestyle is for me. There are a number of wonderful podcasts and blogs out there created by people who are living this way, such as the Indie Travel Podcast, Ott's World, or Almost Fearless. These folks have been traveling continuously for years at a time and have seen some amazing things. It is so tempting to follow their example and strike out for adventure, and it would be great to plug into the systems they've created for dealing with their journeys through the world, but I have decided that that won't work for me right now.

It turns out that I like working. I don't necessarily like my job, but when I'm not working, I feel lost. When I say "working," I mean for someone else. I don't have any interest in the headaches and logistical planning that come with being a business owner, but I like showing up somewhere every day. Somehow, this increases my self-esteem because I'm depended on, I have people to talk to, and I have something to do. If I traveled full time, I would miss that. I think my ideal is to work somewhere with minimal responsibilities that would allow me to leave the country four or five times per year.

I'm Your Biggest Fan, I'll Follow You Until You Love Me

Damn. Today was just a fucking hell of a day.

It started pretty much right away when my dog decided to bark at nothing at 2am, waking me up. Then, at 4am, my smoke detector battery decided to alert me to its low-ness with a series of annoying, sleep-repelling beeps. At 7am, I was jazzed to get into my thin pants, but this triumph was mooted when I stepped on the cuff of the pants going up the stairs and ripped them. The garment transformed instantly from thin pants into a dust rag.

Then, while I was at work, I heard from my insurance guy again. He's persisting in his desire to talk to me about my options as far as insurance goes. He pointed out that if I cancel now, I lose all the money I put in. He is quite correct in this point, but it is equally true that if I want to keep the money I put in, I have to continue putting in money. The money I've put in already is a sunk cost, and I think continuing to put in money I don't have to protect what I've put in already is false economy. I was tired and wound up about leaving on my vacation tomorrow, so this was really stressing me out. At the moment, I've decided I don't need to return his email. I already told him what I want to do, and while I think he has some valid points about the benefits of keeping the insurance, I have already decided that the deficits outweigh the benefits, and I don't want to hear a sales pitch.

Then, when I got home, I discovered that I had a birthday card awaiting me from Sniffles. I haven't talked much about Sniffles here, but she was my best friend in high school and college. We had a falling out in 2004. The short version is that I was going through a difficult break-up with a guy who had been one of my best friends and who had really broken my heart (who is, interestingly enough, still my friend now). She really didn't have much patience for this, and I didn't feel like she was being supportive. I withdrew emotionally and started avoiding her phone calls. Before we had a chance to work out our problems, I entered into another relationship that ended in spectacular failure (Doug Funny) and found out I wasn't getting an offer from my 2L summer employer. (If you are not an attorney, you might not understand the importance of getting an offer from your summer employer. About 97% of people get offers. If you don't get one, you are a fucking pariah. I was deprived of an offer for no reason I've ever been told or been able to deduce, and it literally took years before I overcame that blot on my escutcheon.) After two major break-ups in a few months and a significant career setback, I just did not have the energy to deal with Sniffles and repairing our relationship.

Despite having been one of my best friends, Sniffles' subsequent behavior suggested she did not know me very well at all. If I'm mad at someone, I need my space. She responded to this by calling me every single day, despite my never returning her calls. Finally, she switched to email, and around Christmas, I emailed her back and said, as nicely as I could, that I didn't want to continue the friendship. The last two years, she has been sending me birthday cards.

I realize that it sounds childish to complain about being sent a birthday card. But it's my birthday, and I feel territorial about it. I don't want people using it as a springboard for their own agendas. It just feels inappropriate to me. I also don't think that her continued efforts to reintroduce herself into my life are a nice gesture. I've already told her what I want, and now she puts me in a position of having to be mean to her. Maybe she doesn't understand why I don't want to be friends, but continuing to try to be friends just makes me want to be friends even less.

I really don't know how to respond to these various encroachments on my emotional personal space. My fervent desire to avoid conflict pretty much turns my life into pre-World War II Europe, with me playing the part of Neville Chamberlain and everyone else demanding Lebensraum. With some people, ignoring them just does not make them go away. Yet, at the same time, it's hard to insist on boundaries (especially when those boundaries are "don't contact me ever again") without feeling mean. I guess it's mean whether you go the passive route or the aggressive route.

Little Voice

When I was a toddler, I decided I was going to wear only skirts and dresses. No shorts. No pants. I don't remember this, but my mom has been flogging this story to death for years. She tells me that I made this decision right after she bought me a bunch of cute shorts outfits and that when she tried to force me into them, I turned into the octopus child (early warning signs?). While she was jamming me into the shirt, I was divesting myself of the shorts. I didn't put on a pair of pants or shorts until I was in first grade and I wanted the freedom to do flips on the playground equipment.

Obviously, I didn't have a problem saying "no" back then. How did I forget that critical life skill?

I'm going away this weekend, so I was checking my bank account. I scanned through the list of recent debits and credits and noticed a sizable charge from my insurance company. It occurred to me that I had seen another sizable charge from them recently, and it didn't seem to me that I should be getting charged so much so frequently. When I had first seen the charge, I thought the insurance company started billing me for my life insurance all at once for the year instead of month by month. Then I noticed the usual life insurance charge in addition to this other, big charge, and I decided I needed to get to the bottom of it.

I emailed my insurance representative, but he didn't email me back in twenty minutes, so I started to freak out. (I understand that twenty minutes is an unbelievably short window of time to give someone to respond to an email inquiry, but I was just noticing that I had been charged over a thousand dollars for an expense I couldn't remember anything about.) I called the insurance company's main number and found out that these were charges for a disability and term life insurance policy I had signed up for. Lest I give the impression that my insurance representative is a thief, once the customer service person told me what it was, I remembered signing up for it. However, a lot has changed in my life since I signed up for these types of insurance a year and a half ago. A year and a half ago, I worked at an extremely high-paying job and had excellent health insurance. Now, I'm temping, working two jobs to make ends meet, and, while I have health insurance, it's not good. It will keep me from going bankrupt if I have to go to the hospital (a big plus), but the deductible and co-pays are so high that I don't want to go to the doctor for anything less than my leg hanging on by a thread. So, I opted to cancel these policies (and I'll get some money back on the whole life insurance policy because the policy has some value to it).

So, as I should have anticipated (were I not so proud of myself for resolving the issue and getting some money back) that my insurance representative was going to fly into a frenzy over this. He sent me an email and left me a voice mail to tell me that we need to discuss my options because canceling the policies is the worst option.

This situation is one of those "this bothers me now and in five years I won't even remember it happened" situations. It is, in fact, the epitome of such a situation. But right now, it's stressing me out. For some reason that I don't understand, I find it really hard to say to this person, who is essentially my employee, that I don't agree with his opinion and I'm going to do what I want to do. He's a nice guy, but he's a sales person, so of course he's going to pressure me into keeping these policies. And if I were still in the same position I was when I took out the policies, I'd agree with him, but I'm not. I don't know why I have so much trouble asserting myself that I can't even say to someone I don't care that much about: "Thanks for your thoughts, but I'm going to do what I want." Maybe if he was trying to force me into a pair of shorts, I would find my backbone more easily.

Ask, and Ye Shall Receive

Maybe there is something to John 16:24. Today, when I was reading the Almost Fearless blog, I found this article about not caring what other people think. Unfortunately, this fellow is talking about not caring what people in general think of you. I won't pretend it's easy not to care what people in general think of you, but I submit that it is more difficult not to care what a specific person you've come to care about thinks of you. But it's a start.

Octopussy

Sometimes, I find myself doing something that repulses me as I'm doing it, yet I cannot stop myself. Specifically, I'm in this situation with a guy I'll call London Calling in which I think I've led him to believe I'm madly in love with him and he doesn't reciprocate those feelings and I don't even really feel that way. What the hell am I doing, and when did I turn into a clingy Carrie Bradshaw?

London Calling is, frankly, a pretty awesome guy. He's handsome, funny, smart, and exactly the type of man I'd be interested in dating if he lived nearby. However, as his blog moniker suggests, he does not live in my country. It's pretty rich for me to discount London Calling as a potential partner for living in another country when I'm madly in love with Goose who lives on the other side of the world, but I'm in love with Goose. That makes a big difference. London Calling is someone I'd like to get to know better, but geographic differences make it difficult. If either of us was really enamored of the other, I think the distance would be surmountable, but I guess we're just not that interested.

And yet. AND YET. I have been acting completely clingy to this man. I am fawning all over him and throwing myself at him, and I hate myself for it, yet I haven't been able to stop myself. It's like watching a car accident in slow motion and being powerless to stop it. This guy probably thinks I am planning our wedding -- and I couldn't blame him for thinking that -- but I'm in love with someone else.

So, why am I acting this way? I've been going through a lonely period since I was laid off last June. I'm just not in a good place in my life right now. I feel like I'm going nowhere or maybe even going backward while my friends are progressing in their personal and professional lives. My friends are getting exciting assignments at work, getting engaged and having babies. I'm not saying those are necessarily the things I want, but the point is that they are moving forward, and I'm staying in the same place. It's sad to be left behind, and it's scary to think my friends might be outgrowing me as they have all these new experiences I can't relate to. I'm very lucky to have friends and family I can talk to about my job-related concerns or my romantic concerns, but it's not the same as having a partner by my side on a daily basis. It also doesn't help that I have all this emotion related to Goose percolating, which I can't unload on Goose. So, I end up transferring that emotion to London Calling or other random people.

Clingy behavior is, obviously, quite unattractive. I don't like when other people cling on to me, and I'm not normally an octopus, but I'm just floundering around for something to cling on to because I feel adrift.