Octopussy

Sometimes, I find myself doing something that repulses me as I'm doing it, yet I cannot stop myself. Specifically, I'm in this situation with a guy I'll call London Calling in which I think I've led him to believe I'm madly in love with him and he doesn't reciprocate those feelings and I don't even really feel that way. What the hell am I doing, and when did I turn into a clingy Carrie Bradshaw?

London Calling is, frankly, a pretty awesome guy. He's handsome, funny, smart, and exactly the type of man I'd be interested in dating if he lived nearby. However, as his blog moniker suggests, he does not live in my country. It's pretty rich for me to discount London Calling as a potential partner for living in another country when I'm madly in love with Goose who lives on the other side of the world, but I'm in love with Goose. That makes a big difference. London Calling is someone I'd like to get to know better, but geographic differences make it difficult. If either of us was really enamored of the other, I think the distance would be surmountable, but I guess we're just not that interested.

And yet. AND YET. I have been acting completely clingy to this man. I am fawning all over him and throwing myself at him, and I hate myself for it, yet I haven't been able to stop myself. It's like watching a car accident in slow motion and being powerless to stop it. This guy probably thinks I am planning our wedding -- and I couldn't blame him for thinking that -- but I'm in love with someone else.

So, why am I acting this way? I've been going through a lonely period since I was laid off last June. I'm just not in a good place in my life right now. I feel like I'm going nowhere or maybe even going backward while my friends are progressing in their personal and professional lives. My friends are getting exciting assignments at work, getting engaged and having babies. I'm not saying those are necessarily the things I want, but the point is that they are moving forward, and I'm staying in the same place. It's sad to be left behind, and it's scary to think my friends might be outgrowing me as they have all these new experiences I can't relate to. I'm very lucky to have friends and family I can talk to about my job-related concerns or my romantic concerns, but it's not the same as having a partner by my side on a daily basis. It also doesn't help that I have all this emotion related to Goose percolating, which I can't unload on Goose. So, I end up transferring that emotion to London Calling or other random people.

Clingy behavior is, obviously, quite unattractive. I don't like when other people cling on to me, and I'm not normally an octopus, but I'm just floundering around for something to cling on to because I feel adrift.