Damn. Today was just a fucking hell of a day.
It started pretty much right away when my dog decided to bark at nothing at 2am, waking me up. Then, at 4am, my smoke detector battery decided to alert me to its low-ness with a series of annoying, sleep-repelling beeps. At 7am, I was jazzed to get into my thin pants, but this triumph was mooted when I stepped on the cuff of the pants going up the stairs and ripped them. The garment transformed instantly from thin pants into a dust rag.
Then, while I was at work, I heard from my insurance guy again. He's persisting in his desire to talk to me about my options as far as insurance goes. He pointed out that if I cancel now, I lose all the money I put in. He is quite correct in this point, but it is equally true that if I want to keep the money I put in, I have to continue putting in money. The money I've put in already is a sunk cost, and I think continuing to put in money I don't have to protect what I've put in already is false economy. I was tired and wound up about leaving on my vacation tomorrow, so this was really stressing me out. At the moment, I've decided I don't need to return his email. I already told him what I want to do, and while I think he has some valid points about the benefits of keeping the insurance, I have already decided that the deficits outweigh the benefits, and I don't want to hear a sales pitch.
Then, when I got home, I discovered that I had a birthday card awaiting me from Sniffles. I haven't talked much about Sniffles here, but she was my best friend in high school and college. We had a falling out in 2004. The short version is that I was going through a difficult break-up with a guy who had been one of my best friends and who had really broken my heart (who is, interestingly enough, still my friend now). She really didn't have much patience for this, and I didn't feel like she was being supportive. I withdrew emotionally and started avoiding her phone calls. Before we had a chance to work out our problems, I entered into another relationship that ended in spectacular failure (Doug Funny) and found out I wasn't getting an offer from my 2L summer employer. (If you are not an attorney, you might not understand the importance of getting an offer from your summer employer. About 97% of people get offers. If you don't get one, you are a fucking pariah. I was deprived of an offer for no reason I've ever been told or been able to deduce, and it literally took years before I overcame that blot on my escutcheon.) After two major break-ups in a few months and a significant career setback, I just did not have the energy to deal with Sniffles and repairing our relationship.
Despite having been one of my best friends, Sniffles' subsequent behavior suggested she did not know me very well at all. If I'm mad at someone, I need my space. She responded to this by calling me every single day, despite my never returning her calls. Finally, she switched to email, and around Christmas, I emailed her back and said, as nicely as I could, that I didn't want to continue the friendship. The last two years, she has been sending me birthday cards.
I realize that it sounds childish to complain about being sent a birthday card. But it's my birthday, and I feel territorial about it. I don't want people using it as a springboard for their own agendas. It just feels inappropriate to me. I also don't think that her continued efforts to reintroduce herself into my life are a nice gesture. I've already told her what I want, and now she puts me in a position of having to be mean to her. Maybe she doesn't understand why I don't want to be friends, but continuing to try to be friends just makes me want to be friends even less.
I really don't know how to respond to these various encroachments on my emotional personal space. My fervent desire to avoid conflict pretty much turns my life into pre-World War II Europe, with me playing the part of Neville Chamberlain and everyone else demanding Lebensraum. With some people, ignoring them just does not make them go away. Yet, at the same time, it's hard to insist on boundaries (especially when those boundaries are "don't contact me ever again") without feeling mean. I guess it's mean whether you go the passive route or the aggressive route.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment