When I was in high school, dating my first serious boyfriend, I said something about "if [boyfriend] and I got married" in biology class. My biology teacher immediately scoffed and said, "You're not going to marry him." She thought it was ridiculous to think that anyone would marry her high school sweetheart.
I did not marry this guy. In fact, we broke up my sophomore year of high school and, in typical high school fashion, ignored each other's existences for the remainder of our time in high school. When I was in law school, he passed away under mysterious circumstances that were thought to be either suicide or drug overdose. Very sad. I also didn't marry my subsequent serious high school boyfriend, who later married my Asian doppelganger and impregnated her, not in that order.
Despite my having fulfilled my biology teacher's prediction, I have learned that a large percentage of my high school classmates did indeed marry their high school sweethearts or people they knew in high school.
I find myself now having just turned 30. Unlike most of my high school classmates, I am not married and I have no children. I have not even had a serious boyfriend since that second high school paramour. The man I consider the love of my life (Goose) is currently off in his own country, shittily ignoring me. My current life plan involves disentangling myself from my commitments to home ownership and steady employment to (eventually) travel the world on a more full-time basis.
Did I miss my chance to get married and have children? I realize that, biologically, I'm not out of time yet and probably won't be for ten or more years. But given that I rarely meet men I'm interested in and never meet single men who are interested in me, I can hear my ovaries giving up the ghost. Should I have tried harder to make things work with my high school boyfriend? I thought I would have lots of other choices after him, but it hasn't turned out that way.
When I had dinner with my friend a few weeks ago, she told me that she's in love with her husband and very happy, but she didn't marry the love of her life. If I get married, I feel like that's how I'm going to feel too. In one way, it would be a happy ending to find someone I can be happy and share my life with. In another way, it's a sad ending because I want to be married to the love of my life. It's hard to imagine committing my life to someone when part of my heart belongs to someone else.
Am I throwing myself into travel because I'm running to something (finding myself, or whatever you want to call it) or running away from something (loneliness, regret, a sense that I should have gotten married younger and had some babies)? Is it sad or brave to make the best of your life when you haven't made the best choices or when the one you want doesn't want you?
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2 comments:
To answer your question, you didn't miss your chance to get married and have children. There are a lot of men out there .... also looking for someone... and if you've not been in a serious relationship since high school... I would say that this is a really good time to find yourself... to discover if changes should be made on the inside and outside... and then go from there... don't give up on meeting that special someone... I don't believe in the notion that there is only one person in the world out there for us... if that were true then there would be no breaking up or divorces... so consider what it is you desire in a mate and then.... make the necessary changes needed so that he can find you... if you get what I mean:)
I think Tim Minchin puts it best
here
http://www.wikio.com/video/2781581
But yeah - there's no perfect answer - any relationship will take work, and you do have to be happy with your choice, but realise that someone else isn't the love of your life - it didn't work out so that's proof that they aren't - the real love of your life would be the person who cares enough for you to work at it, and vice versa.
And being free and single, while sometimes lonely, is not all bad, all the freedom, no compromises, enjoy it!!!
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