"Why Are You So Far Away?" She Said "Why Won't You Ever Know That I'm In Love With You?"

It was hard to be in my old city and not contact The Only Living Boy in New York. I thought that maybe if I thought about him hard enough, he would appear out of thin air, but it turns out that that doesn't work. I guess all that reading of Lois Duncan books in my youth did not help my psychokinetic powers develop.

I keep thinking that it's going to get easier and I won't miss him so much. Some days, I feel fine, but other days, I think I'm going to have to break my hands to keep myself from emailing him. It helps that I don't know what I would say. I've already said (twice) that I basically love him and want the two of us to be together and his response (twice) has been, "Bored now." What else is there to say? The same thing, only louder? The same thing, only more desperate and pathetic? Lie to him and say that I don't still want the same things I wanted before, which will inevitably lead us back to saying the same thing again only louder, more desperate and more pathetic?

I wish that someone in real life would develop the technology from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind so I could just erase him from my brain and not feel sad and miss him any more. I'm proud of myself for staying strong and not emailing him, but I wish that I would magically feel better. I wish that I could find someone else to replace him, and I thought Snowflake might be that person, but he seems uncertain about whether he would like to apply for the job.

Ugh. I just want to scream.