I Got a Desk Full of Papers That Mean Nothing at All, Sometimes I Catch Myself Staring into Space Counting Down the Hours 'Til I Get to See Your Face

I started a little temp job today doing document review for three or four weeks. It's legal drudgery, but I'm hopeful that this will generate some income to replenish the bank account. My bank account is not at rock bottom, but I don't want to wait until it is before I think about taking on some work to funnel more money into it.

It's strange to say, but now that I've been unemployed for almost two months, I'm more reluctant than ever to take a job that doesn't feel right to me. I talked to my mom about it, and she said she hears the same thing from other people who have been laid off. When I found out I was going to lose my job back in April, I was riddled with anxiety and desperate to find any other job. After I actually ended work at the end of June, the worst was over. The unthinkable had happened, and I survived. The world didn't end because I became unemployed. Maybe I even learned a few things with the time I had to think.

I was unhappy at my old job. Most lawyers at big law firms are. The hours are horrendous and unpredictable, the partners are sociopaths (with some notable exceptions) and the clients are unreasonably demanding and create all kinds of unnecessary emergencies due to their own procrastination. The pay is excellent, but after awhile, you fail to be satisfied enough by the paycheck that you are willing to smile about the down sides of the job. Most lawyers at big law firms put their shoulders to the wheel and then complain ceaselessly to anyone who will listen. It's not a great way to live, and I probably could have done it for the rest of my life, but I'm glad that that is no longer an option for me. (This is not to say that I feel like my law firm did me a favor by laying me off. They treated me shabbily, without regard to the sacrifices and contributions I made, and I hope that the office burns to the ground with most of the managing staff still inside.) So, I realized that maybe I could find a job that wouldn't pay as much but also wouldn't make me as miserable.

I also over-identified with my profession. I couldn't see any identity for myself other than "attorney." When I grieved the loss of my job, it wasn't just the loss of a paycheck (though that was obviously an important factor). It was also the loss of my sense of self. Who was I if not an attorney at a prestigious firm? What identity did I have without the cache that came from being employed by a certain place? At first, I didn't know at all. But now I have come to realize that I have a rich, multi-dimensional identity that has nothing at all to do with what I do for a living (though I think that one's profession always does and likely should play some role in defining one's sense of self, there isn't any good reason for me to define myself by a job that I loathe).

When I saw the movie Adaptation in 2002, one of the lines really stuck with me: "You are what you love, not what loves you." I agree with that, and I have come to agree with it even more since being laid off. My job did not love me, and I did not love it. Therefore, I was not my job. Instead, I am a friend, a sister, a daughter, a mommy (to a truculent dog), a volunteer, a traveler and a lot of other things. Most recently, I have become the woman (or a woman) who loves Goose. He doesn't have to love me back (though I think he does) for my love for him to transform me. It's enough that I am sending out that love and positivity, that alone is enough to fundamentally alter me as a person.