Wave Good-Bye Now, Baby Blue, You're Exploding Like a Star in the Room

Every time I sit down to try to write about how I'm feeling about Goose, I find I don't know what to say. There are all kinds of emotions roiling inside me, but I don't know how to express myself. I'm just such a mess right now. I love him, and I accept that he doesn't feel the same way about me. I accept that whatever he felt for me was ephemeral and that as soon as he found himself back in his usual orbit, I faded into a vague memory that occasionally popped up to pester him in the present. Goose is not the first man I've ever met in my life who acted at one point in time like I meant something to him and at a later point in time like I was a bit of a nuisance. I don't like any of that, but I can accept it. In a sad way, it makes more sense to me than if he behaved the way I want him to. I'm not sure I would know how to react if he kept up a vigorous correspondence, broke up with his girlfriend, and suggested we try having a relationship. I would be happy, but it would be terra incognita for me.

The problem is that while I can accept that he has disengaged from me, I can't quite disengage from him. When I severed all ties with The Only Living Boy in New York, it felt like making a clean slice. When I think about him now, I feel no regret or longing. I feel angry with him, and I also feel finished with that relationship. I don't feel that way about Goose. When I tell myself that I need to accept that Goose doesn't want me in his life, my throat closes up and my eyes fill up with tears. When I see his stupid status updates on Facebook, I feel pangs that he's online but not responding to me. When I think about de-friending him on Facebook, the pangs are even worse.

I'm like a two-year-old, basically. Something I want is being taken away, and I just want to sit down on my bottom and sob about it. I can't be an adult and acknowledge the fact that this person doesn't give a shit about me and is therefore someone about whom I should not give a shit. This is exactly why I'm going to end up alone.