We Are a Fever, We Are a Fever, We Ain't Born Typical

Is there any aspect of my life that I'm not aggressively trying to fuck up this week? Seriously, I'm like Edward Scissorhands before he figures out that he can use his scissorhands to cut hair and prune hedges.

I talked to Goose this morning, and he revealed the terrible news that he isn't coming to the United States in October after all. His boss was able to get his paperwork in order (his boss can bite me, by the way). I countered this information by suggesting I visit him in Sydney. Initially, he seemed somewhat receptive, suggesting he could show me around and listing some of the local attractions. But relatively quickly, I felt like he was trying to back-pedal and discourage me from going. He told me I shouldn't come across just to see him because of the cost. (Like, why else would I go to Sydney? I've been to Australia before. It's just a version of the United States that you have to spend a fucking day on a tuna can of a plane to get to. Not that it's not a nice place, but it doesn't have anything I haven't seen already when I was there before that we don't have here other than Goose.) And then he said that he is going to be away for most of the rest of the year and gave me the dates (which...yeah, he is). And he said that he doesn't have any leave for the rest of the year, so he's free only on the weekends. At that point, even though it was 6:30 in the morning, I cottoned on to the fact that he just doesn't want me to come. I don't think it's that he doesn't want to see me since he seemed keen to see me in Las Vegas, so I assume it's that he doesn't want me in the same country as his girlfriend. (That would probably be an awkward conversation between the two of them. Like, "Oh, hey, so I almost cheated on you with this girl on vacation. And now she's in my town, staying at my apartment. Everything's cool!")

It made me feel like shit. I am crazy about this guy (literally, probably), and I would be thrilled if he came to my town, even if I couldn't spend as much time with him as I would like. Whether it was reasonable or not, I wanted him to have that same reaction. Instead, he seemed a little panicky about the idea.

It's entirely possible that I'm being too intense about this. Anyone who knows me, if asked to pick five words to describe me, would pick the word "intense." Most people would probably choose it first or second. If I could stop being intense, I would, but I haven't been able to figure out how to do that yet. I could pretend not to be intense for Goose's benefit, but if he fell in love with some mellow version of me, he would be in for a bad and unfair surprise when the truth came out down the road.

I think Goose knew he put his foot in it and hurt my feelings a little after I said good-bye somewhat abruptly because there was an email from him when I got to work. He didn't refer to our conversation, but he sent me some information about how big scarves like the one I made him for his birthday are the must-have accessory for men in the fall/winter season. He told me I was right on the money and then was joking with me about his junk (his favorite topic). In my experience, guys tend to jolly girls along like this when they know they've done something wrong but either don't know exactly what it was or don't want to discuss it directly.

So, he obviously still wants to talk to me because we were emailing. But somehow, I still feel like I've become The Other Woman. And I just generally feel shitty.