Well, You're Kinda Looking at Me Like I've Got to Set You Free, You Know I Can't Be Nobody

I haven't talked to Goose much since the awkward conversation we had a few days ago about my coming to Australia (or not), but I've been thinking about it a lot.

Paprika got my foot broken off in his ass yesterday for asking if I had arrived at "desperation station." Paprika is not the first person to suggest that I might have been too intense in suggesting that I go to Australia to visit Goose, but it isn't cool to accuse a friend of being desperate. I concede that my actions were a little on the bold side, but, in my defense, it didn't (and still doesn't) seem like a big leap from his assumption that I would drop whatever I'm doing and fly to Las Vegas to spend time with him to going to Sydney to spend time with him there. Paprika apologized after I called him an asshole for deliberately being hurtful about something I'm already hurt about.

As for Goose, I don't know what I'm going to do about him. I've been giving myself a little space from him the past couple of days, but I don't want to lose him completely. My guess, based on his behavior subsequent to our awkward conversation, is that he would prefer to keep me in his back pocket and just press through the awkwardness like it never happened. I'm okay with the latter, if not the former, and I don't get the impression that it would be well-received if I tried to address the awkwardness directly. I love Goose very much, but I've started to develop a less favorable image of him over the last few days. The way he interacts with me tells me that he's not completely committed to his girlfriend (he might be keeping his junk in his pants, but he's emotionally unfaithful, which I think is just as bad), and that tells me that he probably wouldn't be completely committed to me either if he promoted me to the status of girlfriend. Maybe he just needs some time to grow up, or maybe not. But I obviously need to manage my expectations of him if I want to continue being his friend.

All of this led me straight back to where these things usually lead me: to The Only Living Boy in New York. The Only Living Boy in New York has many, many shortcomings, but he always makes me feel wanted, and that's what I need right now because Goose made me feel unwanted. When I told The Only Living Boy in New York that I liked him (both times), he said he just wanted to be friends. I figured that was just some male bullshit to blow me off, but he genuinely puts in effort to stay in touch and, when he can, spend time with me. I wish he had romantic feelings for me, but I still feel loved just because of how committed he is to the friendship. It makes me feel special, and when Goose is treating me like his dirty mistress, it's nice to feel special.