It Was Awesome But We Lost It, It's Not Possible For Me Not To Care

It's easy to talk a big game about severing, or at least loosening, ties with The Only Living Boy in New York, but it's much more difficult to actually do it. It's more difficult even to think about doing it.

I had a long drive today, and it gave me way too much time to think about The Only Living Boy in New York and listen to Miley Cyrus songs (she is a poet). In the 10 months or so that I've known him, The Only Living Boy in New York has become my person. He's the one I want to tell everything from the important stuff to the dumb stuff. I think I've become his person too, judging by the fact that he emails me over the stupidest stuff, like if the vending machine malfunctions and gives him two pieces of candy when he paid for only one. It's hard to think about going through next week without being in constant communication with him.

I'm trying to remind myself that talking to him all the time is a habit, and habits can be changed. It's not easy, but it's possible. In this case, I would say it's necessary. If The Only Living Boy in New York and I are going to be each other's person, then he should at least be having sex with me and introducing me to people as his girlfriend. I'm tired of being in these relationships that have emotional intimacy and no other kind. I deserve and want more than that.

When I talked to my mom about The Only Living Boy in New York last night, I tried to frame my decision to take a step back from him as a win-win for me. If I pull back, he must either pull back as well (thus getting me out of a dead-end relationship: win) or surge forward (thus moving us forward into an actual relationship: win). I wish that he and I could have a real discussion about what is going on, but I think the onus is on him to bring it up since I already told him I like him, and I don't really see him doing that. I want to tell him that I know what I want (him) and that while he acts like he has feelings for me, he's not actually doing anything to make a relationship with me happen. If he doesn't have those feelings or if he can't or won't do anything about them, I can't continue to invest in him.

This whole situation really blows. I really care about this person, and I don't want to lose him from my life. The obvious response to that complaint is something like, "Well, if you like him so much, then why can't you keep him as a friend?" My answer is that he's not a very good friend because if he doesn't actually have the kinds of feelings for me that he acts like he has, then he is, as I previously suggested, just using my feelings for him to feel better about himself and that's a shitty thing to do to a friend.

There was a time (let's call that time "two days ago") when I thought The Only Living Boy in New York and I would end up getting married eventually. If I had to predict right now what the future of our relationship will be, I would say that he's going to pull back out of embarrassment and uncertainty, and I'm going to pull back out of embarrassment and irritation, and what was once a nurturing and rewarding relationship is going to turn into an awkward mess. I wish that weren't the case, but I don't know how to avoid it. I could pretend that I don't feel the way that I feel, but papering over the problem just means it will come back later down the road and we'll have to deal with it then. I could also initiate the discussion about it, but I think that is the road to disaster. I think the only way this might turn out well -- and this possibility is a slim one at best -- is if he misses me and reaches out across the distance. But I don't think that's really going to happen.