You're Vain, Your Games, You're Insecure, You Love Me, You Like Her, You Make Me Laugh, You Make Me Cry

I need to slap myself in the face over The Only Living Boy in New York. We had a fight today (he wouldn't characterize it that way) over some straight-up stupid shit, and it made me realize that I need to take some control over this situation and stop letting him dictate the terms of our relationship. (Tough talk considering what a big wimp I am when it comes to him, but I'm trying to change that.)

The Only Living Boy in New York and I have a mutual friend, a young woman who works with him (and, consequently, who used to work with me). He's been referring to this young woman as "Honeybee" in a play on her name that makes me very suspicious about the true nature of his feelings for her, so that's what I'll call her here. (As a side bar, I asked him point-blank if he had romantic feelings for Honeybee, and he denied it.) Honeybee has a fruit allergy. Back when Benessimo was still working with us, I made him this cake with cherries in it (which was delicious, by the way), and I specifically told Honeybee not to eat the cake because she would have an allergic reaction. She ate it anyway, and she broke out in some hives. For reasons I cannot possibly understand, she decided to tell The Only Living Boy in New York that I tried to poison her by feeding her fruit. He sent me an email accusing me of this and telling me that I was evil. I told him that I had explained to her that the cake had fruit in it and directed her not to eat it for that reason. He told me that Honeybees are attracted to sweet things and that I should have known she would eat it and then he called me evil again. I told him that I hated them both and that he sucks. I told her that she shouldn't have said those things to him, and her response was not to take it seriously.

I know he said these things to me to tease me. I know she didn't say anything to him to make me look bad. She doesn't have my overly-sensitive nature (that must be very nice for her), and she's a flirt, and she has stated that she can get any guy she wants to be interested in her. I don't think it would occur to her to exclude someone her friend likes from the universe of guys she wants to draw in. Even though I shouldn't take their comments to heart, I have, and I'm pissed at both of them, but mostly at him.

I wish I could be honest with him and say that I want him to resist being seduced by Honeybee (I mean that figuratively...mostly) and to stop teasing me and admit that he likes me as much as I like him. But I feel like we've already had the second part of that conversation, and if we can't have the second part, the first part doesn't matter very much. I've already made myself completely emotionally open to him when I told him that I liked him last Christmas. I can't continue to do it; it would be degrading and embarrassing.

Every month, I vow to unlink myself from The Only Living Boy in New York. I don't know what it's going to take for me to do that. If he comes back to me and tells me, let's say, that he and his girlfriend got engaged or, potentially even worse, he broke up with his girlfriend without simultaneously making a move to shove his tongue down my throat, I am going to be devastated and angry about wasting my time. The person I'll be angriest with will be me.

I can't abdicate responsibility for my own emotional wellbeing. No matter what happens with The Only Living Boy in New York, I have to be in charge of my own feelings. I truly believe that The Only Living Boy in New York likes me in a romantic sense, but he continues to stay with his current girlfriend and he continues not to tell me that he wants us to be together. Actions may speak louder than words, but words are not meaningless. His actions say he likes me, but his words say that he wants to ride things out with his girlfriend (in fairness, some of his actions, namely the inaction of not breaking up with his girlfriend).

I don't know where all of this leaves me. I have to do what makes me happy, and I have to work with the information that I have right now, not with the information that I hope will become true in the future.